Tall Child

[ Slight Inspiration: First Love / Late Spring (Mitski) ]

I feel as though I was never supposed to grow up.

Loud voice, squeaking laugh, and lisped words. The hesitation, the need for guidance whenever something requires action. No idea where to go in life, just that it's being lived. All are traits of a child, and all are traits I hold. They're all traits that never went away.

Others often don't mature until they're in high school, but I had to do it much earlier. Always told that I was well-spoken and "mature for my age"... now I feel like I'm going backwards while everyone else finally catches up and gets further than I ever got in maturity. It feels like some people are made to grow up, and some people aren't. I feel like I'm one of the latter.

I feel like it's not right that I'm still here.

It's not in a suicidal way, although I know that's what it sounds like. I just... don't understand. How is everyone else not as afraid as I am? They're all driving and discussing their number one colleges... Why am I still hugging my childhood plushie wondering how I failed someone, or why they left?

At some point, once my mind had enough, it stopped. I don't know when that point was. It stands still, stuck in the past where I ate too much candy, and where I giggled about the sticky bugs on the ceiling. It misses people that are far gone, and it begs for them to come back. My body is now far past the point where it outgrew my mind.

I feel like a tall child.