Dance of Sorrow and Starlight: Caspian and Ramandu's Daughter Oneshots

Stellae Doloris

TW: Infertility, miscarriage/stillbirth/infant loss, grief

Dedicated to all those who have suffered the pain of child loss: parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, and uncles. Your pain is seen, and your loss is honored.

In Memory of All Little Babies gone Home to God. May their stories bring us closer to heaven.

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"We shall find our little ones again up above" -St. Zelie Martin

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She was finally asleep. Her lips and skin were still pale, and her hands were clammy, but she looked peaceful enough. That's all that Caspian wanted at the moment. He kissed her forehead gently and left the room.

Without thinking about where he was going, he headed for the Eastern exit. He needed the sea. He needed the salt air. And so that's where he went. He sat down in the sand, watching the waves ripple on the horizon.

They'd had so much hope.

How foolish he had been.

"Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong?" She asked between sobs, clenching Caspian's hand so tight she left nail marks. He didn't feel it.

"No, my love, of course not. There was nothing any of us could have done. You know that."

"You shouldn't have married me."

Caspian's eyes filled with fear, "No, no. Don't say that." He brushed his hand through her hair.

She shook her head, face crumpling as a new sob ripped from her chest. "You deserve to be a father."

"Lils," He put a finger beneath her chin, and tilted her head to look him in the eye. "Lils, look at me. I am a father."

3 times in 12 years. Two boys and a girl. This would have been their first daughter. This was their first daughter.

"I want to hold my baby," she had said.

"Are you sure, sweetheart?"

She nodded. "I want to hold my baby."

Caspian walked over to the midwife, who handed him the small child. 24 weeks. She fit in his hand. Subconsciously, he waited to feel the rise and fall of the little ribs, but it didn't come. He knew it wouldn't. But he still couldn't wrap his head around it. He laid his daughter on his wife's chest, and he watched in awe as she cupped her hand around her, as if to shield her from the evils of the world. Even now, her maternal instincts were in full swing. Even now, she was protecting her baby. He was scared of what would happen when they had to take the baby away. He wanted her to have this moment, but how could he ever let it end?

He took a deep breath of the sea-salt air, letting it quiet his thoughts. He couldn't cry inside the palace. He had to be strong for Lils. He couldn't let her see him break. Her heart was already too shattered, his pain would only make hers worse. But he wouldn't leave her side when she was awake. She needed someone to lean on.

Sand shifted beside him and he looked over. Drinian.

The lord lowered himself to the ground. He gave no greeting, watching the distant sky.

"How are you holding up?" he asked.

Caspian hung his head, then looked up at the horizon. "I don't think I even have an answer for that."