Explaining myself

More poetry I guess

If I turned around and walked away, would you notice I'm gone,
Would you even care?
When you look at me, do you see the smile on my face,
Or do you see the tears I fight to hold inside?
Do you see a strong, willful woman I portray,
Or the scared little girl who never quite goes away?
If I broke down and lost all control,
Would you know how to handle me,
Would you hold me 'til I stop shaking,
Kiss away all of my tears?
Would you know how to lift me up
From a place far below recognition?
You see a sexy, loving woman,
But I'm so much more.
I'm sad,
I'm lonely,
I'm unpredictable,
I'm broken,
I'm irrational,
I'm complicated.
You say you want me,
But you don't even know.
You see who I let you see,
Who I've always let you see,
But what about the real me,
The everyday me,
The girl who never seems to get anything right
The one who could break down at any given moment
And have no clue why.
I try so hard to fight away my doubts
For a while they bury themselves away,
So far away that I think they're gone forever,
But I guess nothing lasts forever,
Because the pain and tears always find their way back to me.
Can you handle me,
Can you handle ALL of me?
Am I worth the time,
Do you really love me enough
To stand by me through all my troubles,
Or am I just too broken for you?

Much time I now spend, watching
Watching as others pass by, living
Living their lives
I watch not for care of wanting to know them
Or even so as to learn from what they do and say
I simply watch...and wonder
Wondering why. Why do I feel this way?
Wondering how. How have I come to this point?
Wondering when. When can I ever hope to feel again?
As I watch, I remember
Remember what it was like...
To feel as they feel
To laugh as they laugh
To cry as they cry
To hope as they hope
To hurt as they hurt
To love, to hate, to long, to fear, to yearn...to rejoice...to live
But such is all that I have...memories
Memories which flow before my mind's eye
Even as the people flow before my gaze
And I, I sit quietly in the shadow...
And wonder