TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE
Waking up with a feeling you wanted to forget everything but your system is stopping you is like frisson. I'm too scared of what's going to happen next with the queue of these events.
I'm heaving up badly while getting up to bed. I calmed myself when I was just in the brink of tearing up. And that's it. Breakdowns in the middle of
3 AM. I couldn't sleep after that so tried studying but my eyes kept on betraying me.
Kung magpakamatay na lang kaya ako? No one will care naman, right? I don't have any family left. My relatives don't like me. I think it will be better if I'll just kill myself since my life is useless now.
I kept crying while cutting slits on my wrist. Sinabunutan ko pa ang buhok ko. I feel frustrated. Gusto ko na lang mawala. Gusto ko na lang maglaho. Wala nang pag asa yung buhay ko na ito.
I wonder why I became a Psychology student when indeed, I'm mentally unstable.
Kahit gusto ko nang mamatay sa araw na iyon, I tried going to school even when I looked like mentally unhinged. Maputla at mapula pa yung mata at katawan ko habang sumasakay ng jeep papuntang paaralan.
"Miss, are you okay? You're about to stumble." She touched my back when I felt devoid from sleep so I got dark circles. I'm in no mood to mutter something so I shut her up by nodding and walking past her. Naramdaman niya naman iyon kaya hindi na niya ako kinausap.
Seeing the students without a lot on their plates and laughing while treating everything like a cakewalk made me queasy. I do know that they also have problems they have to solve but their facade is just unstoppable so they do look happy as always while me, already giving up.
"Miss Vernon, are you even listening? I'm calling you several times and to think you're inside that daydreaming of yours made so pissed. Nagsasalita ako rito kaya marunong kayong makinig."
I silently bowed my head because of that humiliation. Mas lalo akong nahiya kasi alam kong nandito yung chinito na iyon at ka block mate ko pa.
The prof looks like I just cut her patience. I sometimes hope that they can also see the students suffering. Kahit gusto ko na ngang sumuko, nanatili pa rin akong pumasok.
Teachers used to be the second parents but the way they are treating the students is just so absurd. Sila ang nagiging instrumento para matuto tayo pero hindi man lang nila tayo maintindihan. Yes, we do have problems but they must also check up if their students are in good condition by asking them if they're okay and not humiliating them in front of everyone. Oh yes, I forgot that everything is realistic now. Ni wala na akong nakitang teachers na marunong umintindi sa mga estudyante. That's why students have mental issues due to them. They are incapable of listening and would let us do a stack of projects and school works in a minimum of time even if it's difficult for time management.
I jut down notes while silently sobbing. Of course, I'm on my own now. Ako lang mag aayos sa mga problema ko. I can feel my hands shaking a bit but I balled it into a fist while breathing slowly. I pressed my eyes tightly to calm myself. I don't wanna cry anymore. Gusto ko na lang pumikit palagi.
"Breathe in and out slowly." I'm horrified when he tried to touch my balled fingers. He tried to intertwine our fingers while urging me to breathe.
His masculine hands gently pressing my fragile one sent shivers down my spine. Hindi ako mapakali dahil todo tingin siya sa akin bawat oras. I can't even concentrate while listening cause everytime he looks at me with those chinky eyes, I suddenly melted.
He kept on massaging my fingers while writing. It's not difficult for him since he's left handed and I'm sitting beside him on the right portion. He's drawing circles in the middle part of it hanggang sa mapunta iyon sa wrist ko. I suddenly got nervous since his fingers were already near my slits. It is forbidden for him to have a glimpse of it.
Nagulat siguro siya kaya inalam niya kung ano iyon pero hinaklit ko yung kamay ko dahil ayaw kong makita niya kung paano ko sinubukang patayin ang sarili. It should remain hidden, how can I even vanish from this world when someone already knew about my existence? Tama na sana kung sila Rivo lang pero meron na namang dumagdag. I don't want to cause any ruckus when I'm attempting to leave.
"Fuck!"
Yes, it's a whisper but I'm still shocked with the way he muttered the profanity. Mabuti na lang talaga at hindi iyon narinig ng prof kasi may mapupunta talaga sa detention.
Lutang ako the whole hour. I can't even peek my eyes and widen my ears to listen. I was with my train of thoughts the whole day. Iniisip pa rin yung ginawa niya. I guess shock was an understatement kasi it didn't feel like it. It was more than that.
Ang tanong kasi, bakit ba bigla na lang siyang lumapit sa akin? We're not even that close after the incident we were in.
Naglalakad ako sa school grounds while heading m way home. June pa lang pero ayoko nang mag aral. Pagod na ako sa lahat pero hindi ko naman magawang iwanan kasi may pumipigil.
I literally looked like a zombie kaya I was thankful that they didn't look my way or I'm just invisible in their point of view that I do feel lowkey.
After the rain, I smell petrichor. Parang sumasabay iyon sa mood ko kaya ginusto kong maglakad sa patungo sa bahay kahit malayo. I was listening to music naman to loosen up my mood while eating street foods na nadadaanan ko. It was still 4 PM and I have the guts to go mall hopping. Malapit lang kasi ang Ayala sa SM at same rin sa Robinson's. Wala naman akong planong bumili but strolling made me feel unease like I have to unwind with all the problems I am facing now and we don't have any homeworks so.
Wala naman talaga akong masyadong kakilala dito sa Cebu since palipat lipat kami due to our businesses. From Davao to Manila to Davao again to Cagayan De Oro to Bohol then here sa Cebu. Nagmukha na nga kaming Nomads since we don't have permament adress since our business requires travelling kasi gusto ni dad na maayos ang pamumuno ng mga tao pinaghirapan niya. Since, I was the one left alone, nasa akin lahat ng mana. It was plenty but I don't think na kakayanin ko ito. I'm suicidal tapos maghahandle pa ako ng business when in fact I can't even take care of myself. In consequence, the business would go bankrupt if ako ang namuno.
Dad didn't teach me or instruct me everything what to do kaya wala akong ka ideya sa gagawin. I was left here alone and helpless.
Phoebe Bridger's Funeral was blasting as a background music at parang sinadya talaga iyong
i-play. Dude, I love Phoebe Bridger's but not today.
Nag strolling ako hanggang nahanap ko ang Starbucks at nag order. I went to Fully Booked with a cup of coffee in my hands habang namili ng libro since it was beside naman. Pagkatapos, umupo muna ako sa labas since there's a balcony in here. Uminom ako habang nagbabasa at nagpasya nang umuwi since naikot ko naman na ang tatlong mall. Wala pa ngang plano bumili, pero may paperbags namang bitbit, the irony.
Habang umuuwi, hindi ko na mapigilang tumingin sa likod. It gets really weird since it felt like someone was watching and following me from behind. Not now, I'm in no mood to experience some horror stuffs. While walking inside the building of a condominium, doon lang talaga ako napanatag kasi may may guards na nagbabantay.
This day was weird and exhausting. I've tried ending my life, being humiliated and being followed creepily. Not interesting.
I went to the bathroom and took a little rest inside the bathtub. I calmed my sanity for a while then went outside. Nagbihis na rin ako ng PJs ko while jumping in my bed.
My eyes was a bit sore now from crying but I couldn't let myself sleep. I can't fight the urge to close my eyes. It's frustrating. I changed my position but it wouldn't still work.
And suddenly, out of my trance, the doorbell suddenly chimed. Lutang pa ako noon at tumayo pero paulit-ulit iyong tumunog at dahil sa galit ko, I opened the door and yelled, "What the fuck is wrong with you?!"
He smirked. His dimples showed up then his adam's apple bobbed up and down while I was still pissed. Mas lalo akong nainis, how can he be that gorgeous without doing an effort?
"As your new neighbor, I'm here to bring you food to eat so don't be mad at me, Miss. I'm just showing a good impression to my new neighbor since we'll be seeing each other a lot." He winked. "I'm Rouge Zoriel, love for short."
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happiest new year, folks! let's all strive for happiness and peace this year!!!
