Do you ever feel like you are about to die? Like your head is submerged under water and every time you try to take in a breathe your lungs just flood with fluid until they feel like they are about to explode inside you chest? Like with every second that passes your vision becomes more blurred till the world around you feels like it is spinning on five axis all at once? Like every noise or sound around you is being played through a speaker in every corner of the room, over lapping and merging into one sound that is so unbearable you can't even begin to think straight? Like your body begins to burn and itch and just scream at you in pain, telling you to break down on the floor and dissolve into nothing where you stand? That tightening feeling around your throat? That sickening feeling in your stomach? That burning sensation in your eyes?
But to everyone around you, you just stand there. Not paying attention, Getting in the way, staring into nothing when you should be doing something. To the rest of them, you are just distracted. To the rest of them, you're just lazy. To the rest of them, you are unfocused.
But to you, it feels like everything around you is falling apart.
But you cant tell them that. You cant even get out a word. Like your tongue has been cut off and every time you try to say a single thing- nothing. Not even a sound. So you give up eventually. Learn to suffer in the silence on your own. Learn to shut off before you can get to the point where you physically cant do anything. Nobody understands it. Maybe thats just how its meant to be. Maybe it is all just in your head. But it always feels real. Every part of it. From the slight over sensitivity and itchy palms that always come before the fall. The tightening feeling that takes over your body, becoming overly aware of everything around you.
It always starts the same. Every time. Just sometimes it takes over faster than you can get a handle of it. Before you can even attempt to numb out and ignore all the feelings. Before you can warn someone you know you can trust.
When it does happen, You only want those one or two people to talk to you. But at the same time you don't want to be a burden to them, especially when it starts to happen so often. You know it's annoying, Inconvenient, stupid even. You want them, but you don't want to want them. Then there is the matter if someone who is not them tries to comfort you. Or even worse, Tries to hug you to make you feel better. The way the burning begins to spread like wildfire, compared to the soothing touch of your people. The way all the hairs on your body start to stand upright, body seizing up, wishing you could just disappear there and then. It just makes the whole process speed up.
Then, there's THE question. The one you wish people wouldn't ask.
"Are you okay?"
Or even, "Whats wrong?"
Both seem to trigger the landslide. Setting the downfall into motion. You can understand why they would ask it. And at times they catch it early you appreciate it, being able to get your worries off your chest before you break and snap or fall apart. But when you have already felt he process really start to set into motion, you really wish they wouldn't, knowing full well that its only going to give the process a nudge forward. But then there is also the case hat they ask you after getting out of the situation, now this one only applies when asked by one of your specific people, and they ask you and you can appreciate the space to let go, let the pain flood through you as you have them to comfort you. But this rarely happens, and only when you have reached a real breaking point and you not even worry about hurting them anymore because the pain becomes too much.
Has this ever reached the lint of becoming your daily life?
Because it is what mine has become...
And I can't stand it.
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Thank you for reading :)
