Shy Girl

Chapter 1 - hey girl i'm i fucking died

It was early in the morning, almost three, and I was wide awake. I was thinking about my new neighbor, a guy named Paul. I wanted to say that he was the cutest guy I had ever met, but really we actually didn't meet. I was walking back to my apartment yesterday when I saw him unpacking his things in the place right across from mine. He looked up and waved at me, smiling. My heart skipped a beat.

He was gorgeous. He was a hulking man with deep brown hair and eyes, and there were a few stubblies on his chin. His eyebrows were incredibly thick and pronounced. He introduced himself, but all I could manage to say back was a weak "hi" and "I'm Iracema". He told me he was looking forward to being my neighbor before walking back into his apartment.

I had been thinking about all the things I could say if I ran into him again, and about all the things that he might say back. I did feel stupid thinking this much about a guy I had only met once, but something about him made me feel so overwhelmed. I sat up from my bed and walked towards the bathroom, wanting to splash some water on my face. There was no point in trying to go back to sleep, so I might as well have stayed awake, right? When I walked into the hallway, I heard a voice behind me.

"Hey, what are you still doing up?"

I whirled around, facing the front door. Selena, my best friend, was walking in, She shut the door behind her.

"Rough night?" she asked.

I shrugged in response. She turned the light on, burning my eyes at first. She sat down on the couch, patting the seat next to her and prompting me to sit down next to her.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"It's dumb," I responded, somewhat apprehensive about telling her. I knew she meant well, but sometimes her teasing actually hurt a little. She poked my arm.

"Come on, you can tell me anything," she prodded.

I sighed, giving in. "You know our new neighbor? Paul?"

"The guy with the eyebrows?" I nodded. "Yeah, I know him. What's up?"

"I... I think I like him...?" I stuttered. I looked over to see the look on her face, but it was plain and I couldn't really read her expression.

"Why is it keeping you up this late?"

Why was she asking so many questions? I didn't have the answers, so I just shrugged again. She was still my best friend though, so I began to think out loud.

"I don't really know. I guess there was just something about him? We never really talked but I've been thinking a lot about him lately. It's stupid. I guess I want to talk to him, but..."

"But what?"

"I... I'm scared. I'm too scared to talk to him," I answered. Now that I was actually going through everything in my mind, the stress of the situation started to get to me. Even thinking about talking to a guy made me queasy. It wasn't even about Paul at this point, it was just about talking to a new person in general. I crossed my arms to try and secure myself, but it was no use. Selena put a hand on my shoulder suddenly, scattering my thoughts. She knew my mind was racing.

"Listen," she started, her voice actually soothing instead of rough, "I know talking can get overwhelming for you. I know you have real bad anxiety and you want to be able to talk to people, but you don't have to go through it alone. If you want to talk to this guy, I can come with you. You also don't have to take such big steps. Just start small. Say hello, initiate small talk or something."

I knew she made sense. I agreed with everything she said and it actually did kind of make me feel better, but it was still so scary to me.

"I don't know if I can even start, Selena. I just get all flustered and my hands get all clammy and I feel dizzy and it's embarrassing and I'm just standing there like an idiot stumbling over my own words--"

"Woah!" she interrupted. "Calm the fuck down. I did say you didn't have to go alone. How about I come with you? You know, be your wing-man?"

"...Really?"

"Yeah. You'll feel better once you start talking to him, I promise."

"Are you drunk?"

"What? What the fuck, why would you ask that?"

"You're being nice to me and it's kinda freaking me out, is all."

Selena furrowed her eyebrows, giving me a look that told me she was two seconds from kicking me in the throat.

"Sorry, sorry, it's... maybe you're right." Now, if I did end up fucking up majorly and embarrassing myself, I'd have to leave. Just get in the car, and leave. But, there was also a chance that maybe he would like me back. Maybe he likes awkward girls? That thought was reassuring, but still... UGH. All the thoughts in my head kept weaving around, going back and forth.

"Come on, say yes you idiot. You know you want to," Selena teased.

For some reason, I gave in. "Fine..."

"Alright!" Selena cheered. "Now go the fuck to sleep. We can talk to him in the morning, if you're ready."

"Okay," I squeaked nervously as Selena left for her room. She said a 'goodnight' before shutting the door and disappearing. I got up and walked into mine, throwing myself onto the bed and burying my face in my pillow. I felt so stupid gushing for a guy like this, a guy I had JUST met. It was elementary, sickening too, the way I giggled to myself at the thought of holding his hand or kissing his cheek.

I threw myself back around so that I could look up at the blank ceiling. My thoughts didn't stop racing, but it didn't matter. Selena was going to make sure that I talked to him. She was always pushing me out of my comfort zone. I could tell it was out of genuine support and love, and yeah, I needed it sometimes. But it stressed me out. The thought of embarrassing myself was just too much to bear. I closed my eyes, forcing myself to fall asleep. It didn't really work for a while, but I did end up falling asleep before the sun began to rise.

***

When I woke up, my sheets were soaked from nervous sweat and clung to my skin. It was disgusting, but I was sort of used to it. I pushed myself up to my feet, yawning and preparing myself for the day. It was relatively early in the morning, so I knew I hadn't slept much. Still, it was better than nothing. I felt like a bundle of nerves. I did not want to leave the apartment. It felt like I was doing too much, like I was overwhelming my body and I was going to throw up.

I walked into the bathroom to change and brush my teeth, taking off my sweaty pajamas and throwing them into the hamper. Once I finished brushing my teeth, I looked up and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I turned around to change. I was a big girl, there was no sugarcoating it. Some days it didn't bother me, and others it made me feel disgusted. It was something that I couldn't help. I decided to throw on a bigger hoodie to help cover up my weight and nervously walked into the living room. Selena was up, watching her pop tarts toast. She looked up at me.

"What's with the hoodie? It's supposed to be pretty hot today," she said. I didn't know what to say in response, but I sensed that she knew the answer. She didn't say anything either for a moment. Her pop tarts sprang from the toaster and she put them on her plate.

"We'll go over after we eat breakfast, alright?"

I nodded, though I was too nauseous to eat anything. I just stood and watched as she ate, not knowing what to do or even think. I felt like I was going to explode. Selena finally stood up and motioned for me to follow her. I didn't want to do this. I did. I didn't. I did? I didn't fucking know.