With You [minjoon]

twelve

Huge trigger warning for this one (suicide).

_

That was possibly the best dream he'd ever had. Seeing Namjoon, well and alive, suddenly all better. Happy and smiling.

But now he was awake, not ready to face reality. His back was faced to Namjoon. He couldn't hear any breathing aside from his own. He knew what he was going to see the moment he turned around. A limp, lifeless body. A corpse.

He lay there for a while, shivering. He felt cold and empty inside. Like the hole in his heart was reopening.

He felt a light weight on his waist. He had felt it the entire night. He looked down, seeing a pale hand on his side. He carefully grazed it with the tip of his fingers. It was cold; icy.

Slowly, he turned around. He saw it. He couldn't contain himself. Flashbacks played in his mind. Jihyun. Taehyung. Seokjin. They had the same lifeless looks on their faces when he last saw them.

He felt tears prickling in his eyes. They uncontrollably streamed down his cheeks. He was dead. Right before him.

He sobbed, sobbed for so long. He didn't know how long. He clung onto Namjoon's lifeless body, wishing he were still there with him.

He wished to be in Namjoon's arms. His safe place.

His tears landed on the ring. He vowed to never take it off. He could never forget about Namjoon; the man who healed him yet broke him.

He felt sick. Lying next to a dead man. Someone he loved dearly. He couldn't believe it. Namjoon was really gone.

He choked on a sob, sliding out of the bed. He couldn't lie next to him anymore. It hurt too much. Everyone he loved was dead.

It was his fault.

It was his fault everyone died.

He wasn't taking good enough care of those he loved.

Maybe it was his fault Namjoon died so soon. Perhaps he could've lived on for longer had he not been going out with him.

He didn't deserve to live. He was horrible for robbing Namjoon of his final days. For neglecting Ddosun's health out of self-pity. For not calling Seokjin. For not being able to help Taehyung.

Last night, he had hoped that he would wake up and Namjoon would magically have been cured of his cancer. But that wasn't realistic.

His body shook with sobs.

He had lost him.

_

It wasn't until Jimin saw his own reflection on the bus that he realized he wasn't himself. There was nothing left of the person he used to be.

He stared at himself. The suit he wore loosely hung off his body, like it belonged to a bigger person. His hair was growing long again. Dark circles rested under his eyes. He looked sickly.

Who was he? He didn't recognize himself anymore.

The bus drove off, and Jimin reminded himself he needed to get to the funeral in time.

He walked there in silence and with an aching heart. He missed Namjoon so much. He wanted to be in his arms again. He wanted to feel him in his presence.

The moment he laid his gaze on Namjoon's casket he felt tears welling up in his eyes. He remembered his face from that morning. He looked so lifeless.

It was something Jimin felt like he would never forget, like it was engraved in his mind.