She looked up at the mirror only to see her bloodshot puffy green eyes stare at her with humiliation and shame. Mercury cried her way home, and when she arrived she cried some more. She felt embarrassed and ashamed. She felt like an idiot for believing she ever even had an opportunity to hold Donovan's heart.
Donovan the hateful and rude older guy who she knew for basically her whole life. She didn't understand what it was about him that made her always crawl back in her knees to him. He was always a negative person to be around. A person who always took dabs at someone's self esteem. Mercury believed she had inherited her father's addictive and self-destructive personality. She was addicted to his aura, his companionship, and negative energy. She truly believed she was going insane, she wished she didn't have feelings for such a horrible person.
Mercury hated herself for her stupidity, her lack of self-esteem and respect for herself for putting up with someone like that, but truthfully she couldn't ignore her emotions. She despised herself for craving the attention, and affection of someone like him.
Mercury had always searched for the love of people who never seemed to return it.
Mercury seemed to always be consumed by destructive relationships.
She couldn't help but realize the parallels of her love life, with her destructive relationship with her father. Watching her abusive father dwindle into addiction, she couldn't help but feel that she could of saved him. Saved her father from overdosing, saving her father to become a better man. But truth was, she couldn't, she couldn't help everyone. The more individuals she attempts to help the more damaged and broken she becomes.
She wished and wished to be loved, however childish that sounded. What she truly wanted was a chance at happiness, a chance to finally feel content with her life.
Everyday Mercury wore a mask, a mask that showed a happy young girl. A girl without a troubling past. A girl who didn't struggle to get through her day. Truth is, everyday she woke up scared for the day, anxious for the future, whilst ignoring the deepening pain in her heart.
The pain of not having a father, the pain of her father's addiction consuming him to the point where he was no longer recognizable, no longer logical and kind.
She always excused her father's reckless behavior, her father's abuse. Mercury always excused others as she couldn't, no wouldn't, accept the fact that her father simply didn't love her enough.
After some inner turmoil, and some self-loathing, Mercury had come to the conclusion that this was somehow all her fault. She seemed to always believe that she was the reason for why she couldn't have any friends, the reason as to why she's never really been involved with anyone romantically. She didn't want to lose the only other person in her life, Donovan.
So she decided that she would apologize. She just couldn't lose him, she really didn't have anyone else in her life.
Maybe she was a masochist, or maybe she was simply stupid. Mercury didn't know definitively on what was going through her mind. But she definitely knew that she did not want to be alone.
The insecurity within Mercury growing like a virus inside her, it was slowly consuming her, slowly destroying her. Although, she did occasionally have insecurities about her appearance her biggest insecurity was the fact that she believed she was incapable of love.
Everyone around her has denied her of love. Her father permanently damaging her perception of love to the point that she tried her hardest to please others, to spread love with the false hope that it would be reciprocated. But the truth was, people just took advantage of her and didn't seem to care about her despite her over the top efforts to please everyone.
