Love hurts - Drarry

5. Reminders of him

After the first few 4 days of mild oral sex.
Harry had stopped coming around.
He'd come back late and he'd leave early.
He avoided Draco at all costs.
Because he knew after the first time he slept with Draco that he couldn't do it again.
If he did, he would be ruined forever.
He didn't know it, he could fucking feel it creep into his mind body and soul.
And if scared the crap out of him.

____

Dear Diary,

Our arrangement... me and Harry.. us fucking is going okay.
It been a week.
Not only did fucking a man after such a long time... After him felt so good... Merlin
I had forgotten the feeling of taking someone.

It wasn't that i was using Potter, we didn't have much of a choice in this matter.

And i did slightly hold sexual feelings towards him, but only because his body ... It resembled him.
Yes. I am still not over him.
I don't think I will ever get over Atlas.
I still remember how his body withered under me when I ran my hands through his messy hair down his chest and abs.
How he would cum just by a simple ass grab.

How he would beg me to take him, how he... How he would tell me he loved me as we would cum, him in my arms and me inside him, me holding him against the wall.
He loved that. He loved it when I held him by his ass, pounding inside him, looking deep in his eyes as we both would come undone.

Harry reminds me too much of him. Eventhough they are so fucking different .
He has green eyes, Atlas had brown, the kind that made your heart melt.
Harry was fiesty when I fucked him... Atlas was soft, obeying and... Well he was the only person I actually loved, Harry on the other hand, I hated.
I know hate is a strong word, but i didn't like him. At all.
Not after him humiliatimg me .
Repeatedly.

Atlas never. I mean NEVER disrespected me. Even when I was a dick to him.

He is the reason I loved potions so much.

He practically taught me everything I knew.

He was six years older than me, and father had gotten him to live with us, he said dark lord wanted me to take snapes place one day.
He needed a wizard who could make class A potions. Be it truth potions or death sips.
But my father had started giving me shit about the fact that i was distracted.
Yes i was fucking distracted, i had to work for the dark lord when I grew up.

I still remember how in three months, he'd turned into the only constant in my life.
The way he'd make fun of me and make me smile.
I remember the night we kissed for the first time.
He made me want to be good.
He made me want to run away with him, leave the word Malfoy behind and just run away.
But... Well. Let's not relive the dark days?
I will one day write about it.. but only after the wounds have healed.
And let's just be real, Harry's just a fuck toy.

I am in our dorm, mine and Harry's, i am hard as a rock obviously.
He hasn't come back yet.
I have been sitting here for the past hour.

I had given Harry rules, i had to because after Atlas? I don't EVER want to love again.
Sex can make you feel things that may not be there.
And i dont want to feel anything. Not for Atlas, not for Harry, not for fucking anyone.

I just hope i am able to fix my mind one day.

But it is not my fault that people around me disappear, not because it's natural, no. But because my father can ever let me be happy.

Sometimes I'm so sad , i want to die.

But we've all felt that once right?

The person i loved, left me broken.
And when my heart shattered, some peaces were forever lost.
They can never come back to me again.
And without pieces, something broken can never be whole again.

All i can do right now is be happy with the gift that God has given me.
Because i know that after this month, any reminder of Atlas will be forever gone.

My reminder of him, lives inside Harry.
Because aside from Atlas, anyone close to making me feel that feeling again, the feeling of relief, adrenaline and the mere thread of happiness i felt for him. I can only feel through Harry .

Harry is the only reminder of him.
And as much as i hate it.
I don't feel ashamed to deny the fact that i am using Potter.
Because that's what shattered hearts do, they use temporary things to fill the gaps, ignoring the enevitable ... That after being broken, nothing can fix us. Ever.

Guess I've heart it right.
Hurt people just hurt people.
D.M