KINNPORSCHE: TimeTayTem Story

Chapter 3: Everything Sweet Isn't Sugar Coated

Time

I looked between Tae and Tem. It had been half an hour since anyone had said a word. We were all seated on the floor. In my head rushed a million thoughts that I was desperate to get rid of. In Tem’s eyes, as he fixated on Tae, was a yearning I had never seen before. The kind of burning need that blurred lines set in place to create boundaries. In Tae’s body was quiet relaxation, as if he had resigned himself to the inevitable. I wondered what that was.

Tae’s phone rang, breaking us out of the trance we were in.

“Hello?” He smiled at the phone. “I am so sorry that I am late P’Payu, something came up, and I couldn’t make it on time. Is it okay if we met a bit later as soon as I have tied up all my loose ends?”

A Loose end? Is that what I had been reduced to?

P’Payu was the slick-talking firstborn son of an energy tycoon. He was as rich as he was handsome, tall with dark hair and peculiar eyes and a body covered in ink of art creeping up his neck. From the first moment I saw him in a charity auction, I knew he was trouble. Tae and I were no more than twenty-two, diving into the business world and trying to create names among our peers. His name had been whispered in our circles praising him for his business acumen and I was curious to put a face to the name. But while I saw him, he fixated on Tae – dashing in a black suit and blue streaks in his hair, a childlike smile on his face.

I watched, stomach in knots, as he scrambled through the crowd of eager on-lookers trying to capture his attention, making his way toward us. I remember his eyes in hues of green and gold stubbornly engrossed in Tae as he introduced himself. His voice was indelibly painted in desire as he spoke and spoke and spoke about fictitious things meant to charm my love. I clung to Tae that evening as the realization of his power over people came over me. It wasn’t just me that was mesmerized by him, everyone else saw what I saw. It terrified me. For the first time, I felt this gnawing gap between us that had never existed before, and I couldn’t explain it. And maybe that night was the beginning of the end for us.

Did you think you were the only one indulging in the pleasures other men have to offer?

I could not comprehend anything past this. The truth in that statement was like rancid bile that sat in my throat; no matter what, I couldn’t get rid of it. Had Tae given himself over to others?

“Who is P’Payu exactly?” Tem asked, breaking my train of thought. Only then did I realize that Tae had finished his phone conversation. “What’s your relationship?”

Tae looked at me without saying anything.

“Tae,” Tem called, agitated. “Say something.”

I don’t know why but I understood Tem’s agitation. Insecurity is a fast-acting disease. It pours into every cell, thickens the lens, distorts the view, and erupts in jealousy.

“Do you remember the first time we met P’Payu?” Tae asked finally. “At that charity event, we went to. We felt so out of depth that day, sticking to the corner of the room, clinging to each other’s sweaty hands, as we drank that awful wine they offered. I have never loved you more than I loved you at that moment.”

I needed a drink, something cold and hard. Getting up from the floor, I moved to the bar and poured myself a bottle of scotch. Tae followed and poured himself a drink as well, leaning against the bar counter to look into my eyes.

“Something changed that night and I could never understand what it was. I’ve always wanted to ask what it was. What is it that made you stop loving me the way you did before?”

I wanted to say so much, so many words, say them out loud, tell him everything but I couldn’t make my mouth speak. There was so much to say but all I could get out was, “isn’t it hypocritical for you to judge me for my indiscretions while doing the same thing behind my back?”

“You believe I’ve been sleeping around behind your back?” he asked. “Like you have?”

Laughing lightly, I pointed to Tem, still on the floor, smoking a cigarette.

“We were not together,” he whispered. “I broke up with you before I got with him. We are not the same.”

“And did it make you feel better?” I asked coldly. “Making the man I have been sleeping with fall in love with you?”

“He’s not in love with me.”

“Don’t speak for me,” Tem warmed.

“What do any of you know about love?” Tae shouted slamming the glass of whiskey on the counter. Pulling at his hair, he moved toward the window under the sun’s light, and it danced beautifully atop his hair. Strands of blond toppled out of his scalp, cascading down to his neck against skin so perfect. It made a contrast that only served to make him appear more daunting. He was truly a magnificent sight to behold, with scarlet lips, and crystal-white teeth.

“Honestly!?”

“I know enough…” Tem scrambled from the floor and stood. He pulled at the end of the cigarette and then blew it out. I watched the smoke dance in the air like a trapped dancer. “I love your eyes and how they wander when you’re thinking. The way you smile at nothing and laugh at everything. I love your optimism despite the mileage and baggage of grief you’ve travelled. Should I continue because I could go on forever?”

It felt like we were on opposite sides pleading our case in a court of law. Who loves Tae more? Who deserves him? Why should he stay with you? I did not know what to say to win my case. I never did. But if I could force my mouth to open and say what was deep inside my brain, I would say that I loved him. HIM. Who else could it be? And it meant everything to me but to anyone else, it was just a word.

“What you love is what I offer you, which is in itself unstable, and therefore when the bloom of fulfilment which you’re desiring is over, Tem, you’ll take wings and fly away, just like Time, despite all your words and promises.”

As they argued back and forth on the validity of Tem’s love, I realized something, I had broken him. Ever the optimist, Tae saw the good in every situation. A few years ago, I thought it was naïve of him. I had unknowingly sought to destroy what others loved about him as self-preservation. If he couldn’t see himself the way everyone else saw him, then surely having me by his side would seem enough. He would be so lucky. My insecurities had stolen his innocence. Now, he was hollowed and empty like a vessel held together by doubt and mistrust. I had convinced myself that stepping outside our relationship and searching for life in other men was his fault because he was a shell of the man I once loved. But in truth, I was the sunken darkness that had seeped through the light he held on to for far too long.

“I need Time, I don’t need you,” Tem said casually as if reciting his ABCs.

“I’m sorry,” Tae said. “I have nothing to offer you. I was only with you to get back at Time.”

Blinking back the tears pooling in his eyes, Tem swallowed hard. “You don’t mean that.”

He did not. Tae was not the kind to intentionally harm others for his sake no matter how much they had hurt him. It was why he stayed with me for too long. He was always true to himself. And as angry as I wanted to be at him for being in this situation, I couldn’t. He was retreating into his shell, protecting himself from the damage Tem and I had caused him. What right did I have to stop him from that? Had I not done the same since I realized the magnitude of my love for him?

“Take that up with Time,” he said. “His hollow and empty ‘I love you's’ have poisoned me, burned my empathy and hope to the ground… nothing you ever say to me will mean anything.”

I gulped my drink and poured another.

“If you’ll excuse me.” Tae moved away. “I have to pack my things. I need to be somewhere else.”

Notes:
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