(jaylor) don't blame me.

.10.

"Taylor, I knew the entire time."

It's one of those moments that I know will be impossible to forget. One of those moments that will be in my mind every second of every day. That feels like it's too good to be true, that it shouldn't be happening to me. Looking up with salty eyes, tear stained cheeks and seeing his smirk. Him cupping my cheeks. Worrying that he'll be mad or disappointed in me. Say that I'm just like how they make out I am in the media.
But he just smirks. He just leans in and kisses me.

"I knew the entire time and I let you reel me in, because there was nothing keeping me away. I knew it the whole time and I wanted nothing more than to let you win me over." His voice is soft. It is warm and it is bright. "I noticed from the moment I couldn't forget your face after the Met. From the moment you made fun of my accent - even though your voice always turns a little bit more British when you are under the influence of alcohol... I couldn't forget it. No matter how hard I tried. But Taylor, I was the mastermind behind some of it too." He kisses the tip of my nose, and I smile. "Giving you my number, giving you my sunglasses and never asking for them back. Giving you the plant and showing up every Monday. Sending texts and cat memes and playing scrabble. Waking up at five in the morning to make sure I'd beat you to the first move every day. Making you think of me whenever it's a Monday. It was all my design. You weren't wrong for wanting it to work out - because believe me, I did everything in my power to make it work out too." Joe wraps his arms around my shoulders and pulls me into him - closer. "I thanked every star in the universe that Gigi introduced you to me, and I still feel likes it's a dream that will fade into dust when I wake."
"But..." I pull away from his chest so that I can look up at his face. "Why didn't you tell me you knew?"
"Because," he grins, and I realise that I never want to go another day without seeing his smile. "I knew that you'd tell me eventually."
"But how? I didn't think I'd ever feel like I had to admit it. So how did you know?"
"I can't explain it. It's just..." he shrugs, and I can see him searching for the words he needs to describe it to me. "I just knew. I knew how hard you were working and I could just tell that you were going to mention it. I didn't know if it would be now or in six months or thirteen years, but I just knew that eventually, you would tell me. And that I would tell you how much of it was my doing too, but that fundamentally it wasn't either of us."
My forehead scrunches up. "It wasn't either of us? Joe, that's ridiculous. It was us."

Joe shakes his head with a smile. "That's the thing, babe, it wasn't us at all."
"Joe Alwyn. Between your love of Monday and your belief that we didn't play the biggest part in this... I'm beginning to think you might be mad." The words are a joke, they're the sort of words that are said laced with love, laced with golden glitter and warmth.
But I know he will love it because I know he loves Alice in Wonderland, know that he'll notice the subtle reference.
"I think that quite possible, Taylor, we're all a little mad here." He kisses my cheek. "So, can I tell my Mum that I've got a girlfriend now?"

I laugh so hard that I remember we are standing on the roof - that the street is so close by and that we are not alone. We're not the only ones around for miles, and my loud laugh sends me right back to reality.
Giving Joe an affectionate smile and taking his hands in mine, I nod.
"I..." My words abandon me, and I sigh in frustration. "I am in love with you, Joe." I mean it more than just about anything I have ever meant in my entire life. "I... I just want you to know that I will do everything I can to... to not let this run public."
Joe nods. "I can't imagine we're going to be able to play cat and mouse forever, Taylor." His words are true, and the make my body turn cold. "But I just want you to know that... no story, no web of lies, no headline, no... nothing, could ever keep me away."

The stars are bright, the night is cloudless, and I'm up on the roof with Joe Alwyn. Lying on the roof with a bed of cushions and a blanket, his sweater draped around my shoulders.
"What did you think," I ask him quietly, "when you heard all the drama. Like, what were your first thoughts?" I'm referring to all the Kanye drama that unfolded just after our meeting.
He turns to face me, propping his head up with an arm.
"Do you really want to know what I was thinking?" He raises an eyebrow, and I nod.
"I was thinking 'wow, he's a fucking prick and karma's going to get him.'"
His words hang in silence for a few moments while I process them.
"You believe in Karma?"
He nods. "He'll get what's coming for him, Taylor. The universe has its eye on you."
I give a soft laugh. "I think I've always believed in Karma. I've been thinking about naming an album Karma - and I was working on a few things here and there but now? I don't want to release music ever again." It's true. I'd talked to Jack about it, he'd sent me a couple of demo tracks a few weeks ago... but the drama kept getting thicker and thicker and now it's at the point where I can't see a way out of it. "The songs were rubbish, anyway."