The Truth of That Young Man

Chapter one: Her

I dont know what it is about these types of nights. Is it being alone in the dark? Is it the look and feel of the pouring rain on the windshield? Is it the how the light from the light poles looks in this ambience? What ever it is, it sure feels nice. It feels peaceful even. The sound of those raindrops just hits different. Yes. Truly peaceful. Its just me on this road. Just me, with no destination, just the road. But I must admit, how simple and easy it would be, to just close my eyes, and drive off the edge of this bridge.

Now Im not saying that I would kill myself. I could never do that to my mom. Im just saying that I wouldnt be upset if I got to go to my forever home early. Whatever it is would be better than here right? Its not like I have anything going for me. Not yet anyways. All I really have, is just these thoughts that are stuck in my head. The never-ending thoughts. Sometimes yes, thoughts of nothing. but most of the time its other, certain thoughts. These thoughts of her. Young love. The kind that dies hard. Love. But is it really love if it is only one sided?

Of course, she would say that she cares about me and loves me. But e both know that it is on drastically different levels. She only loves the attention that I give her. Other than that, I dont even think I can call it family love or any love really. I could never talk to her like this or tell her the thoughts In my head. She would just make herself the victim or even worse, just change the subject entirely to some stupid thing that happened to her at work. She doesnt even try. I dont think she would even want to try.

If I were to disappear, a first, yeah, she would be upset. But not because of whatever it is we miss someone for. It would be because no one would give her the same amount of attention and effort that she gets without giving the bare minimum. I dont know if she even realizes that. Whenever she has even a minor of minor inconvenience, Im there, no questions asked. But I know that even if I have something huge dragging me down, Im better off going to a random stranger who doesnt speak the same language. And I know what people would think, I think it too. Hey Jason, stop being a simp and just leave her if she treats you so badly That would be right and I sometime wish it was that easy. I just, cant.

Now, I cant really say for sure if it was ever truly love, but there was a time that it felt like it. We were both young but, I dont know maybe, maybe it was or. Yeah, probably not. Probably that dumb teenage version of love. What I can say for sure, is that she definitely changed me for the better at first. I barely ever talked to anyone until her. Now, Im still no social butterfly but Im far more social now then I was before her. We enjoyed each others company. We were those two that every teacher would ship and have us sat together. We definitely werent perfect but we were something. Even on those foo parts of our off and on relationship we were still always close and together.

Even now years later we still enjoy each others company. But now, I can see that it isnt enough. We arent technically together anymore, havent been since she broke up with me 2am the day after my birthday junior year. Nevertheless, we are still best friends. Thats what we should be at least. I definitely do not blame anyone if the thought we were together just by looking at us. She still snuggles up to me whenever we go to the movies. Were snuggled up in the car. We go everywhere together. We were planning a trip too. We even have a little bulb play, if you will. Thats definitely one of the reasons its weird now. Granted se did start it ack in high school by doing her little feet thing. But I digress. Event though we might have, susceptive, play, we have never gone to that. And if Im being completely honest, I dont think that I want to. Now I know she probably thinks I do. And Im not saying she isnt attractive, on the contrary, but I want more.

Im kind of embarrassed I guess to say this. Being that no guy really admits this, however I know most feel like this. I want something more than sex. I would honestly rather be cuddling then anything physical. But obviously we must make it look like the opposite. Sometimes we even fall for our façade. I just want to be with her. Just doing literally anything with her. Even if it is just sitting on dock looking at the water, or even a wall. Now by her I no longer mean Anne. No, by her I mean the dream her, the one. I really do not care who the her is. I just her to be my home.

Now, yeah. I may have, not demands, but minor preferences. And no, Its not that she has a nice ass and big tits. Absolutely not. No. my preferences of my dream girl is as follows. I would like her to be a geek. I want to complete nerd out at a movie or show. I want to go on long geeky talks about what takes us to our own little worlds. I would even want to sit together on the couch with a blanket and watch kids shows. I want us to literally talk abut anything. Even those nothing thoughts. I want someone that I can make look forward to coming home after a long day. Someone I can go to that would make me feel better even though she doesnt know it. Someone I can grow a family with. Wow, not really selling myself with thinking those thoughts am I now.

I have a guess now. Maybe, just maybe Its that we feel free with our thoughts in this moment. Yeah just like that Ive been parked listening to the rain for fifteen minutes. You really ought to love these night huh. Peaceful, perfect and sad. A sad perfect type of night. The most dangerous nights for people like me.