Six Feet Under

2.

When school finally came to an end I could not wait to just go back to my house and sleep away the tiredness. The math class sucked the life out of me. My teacher asked me a question out of the blue and it felt like the earth stopped spinning on its axis. I looked at the question on the board but it did not made sense to me at all. So, I looked down at my notes in my notebook and said whatever made sense to me in that moment. My answer was wrong. But at least it was over. I could hear a few giggles but I ignored them. I am getting good at ignoring. That does not mean that it does not affect me.

When I reached home, I stopped at the threshold of doorstep of my house. I could sense that something was not right. I turned the doorknob with shaky hands and entered inside. I was hit by silence. Only the sound of the clock was audible. This is strange.

I saw the newspaper that my father was reading on the table. No one was in the kitchen. I made my way upstairs and saw that the door to my parent's room was locked. Are they in the same room? Because if they are then that is surprising. They haven't been in the same room since the past one month. I silently made my way towards their door and tried to hear what was going on inside. I could hear some shuffling. And then I hear a sob. Same old thing. But why this time?

I tried to hear what they were saying. But I could only hear the sound of my mom sobbing and then as if they remembered they have to scream, I heard my father yell.

"I wish I could just go away from you. From all of this." He meant every word of it.

"Then leave. I can manage just fine without you." If someone who does not know my mom would have heard her shout like this would have refused to believe that she was sobbing just a second ago. "And take your daughter with you."

"Oh! So now she is my daughter. Huh? Is she only my responsibility now?" My father continued the screaming saga.

"Who wanted to start a family? Was it me? No, Brad. It was your idea." Wow! If they do get divorced, I wonder if they will even try to keep me with one of them.

"She is not a problem of mine alone. You are her mother, Carol. So, why don't you keep her with you while I go away from all of this." I could imagine my dad waving his hands around in frustration.

"Go to hell. I wish I had never married you." My mom was crying again.

"I wish. I would have been so much happier." That was the last thing my father said before there was a dead silence.

I knew that the fight has come to an end and one of them, most probably my father, will leave the room now. So, I quickly turned back on my heels and quickly made my way downstairs and out of the house. I silently closed it behind me and stood outside like that for 5-7 minutes. Then, like I am just returning from school, I opened the door and made my way inside. My father is sitting on the couch and my mom is back in the kitchen.

I pretended like I knew nothing.

"I am home." I said like I normally do and made my way to my room.

It's not like they have never fought in front of me. It's just that I don't want them to know that I caught them fighting or heard what they feel like about me and about their marriage. I guess because it will make them feel bad. And they feel shitty enough so I try to avoid being a part of it as much as I can. Although, it seems like I am a part of their problem. Because they can't decide who I actually belong to.

I closed the door to my room and laid down on my bed. The curtains are still drawn so that feels good. I let this weird feeling sink in. This feeling that I don't belong here. The realization that I am unhappy and so are my parents. This empty feeling in my heart will someday swallow me whole leaving no traces of my existence behind.

How many times can I go through the same thing over and over again until I say enough? How many times can a person be hurt over and over again until it finally kills them? How many times can two people say they don't love each other until they finally go their separate ways? How many times can a person pity on itself until he realizes that he is one of the unlucky ones?

I guess that is something I'll have to find out.