Officer Baker is investigated the murder of a football coach. Just your average investigation, right? That is what Officer Baker thought until two bumbling idiots calling themselves detectives enter the scene
Officer Edwin Baker was first on the scene. The crime scene wasn't much, just a severed head inside a football, nothing much. They had yet to identify the victim, but that was to be expected considering they'd only been here for ten minutes. "But we know who the victim is." Baker jumped out of his skin and spun around to find two females peering at him. One of them was a blonde, a bit too bleached for it to be natural, wearing a full black coat like an old fashioned detective and a stylish wide-brimmed hat. She nodded to her partner, a red haired woman wearing a long red coat, buttoned up against the cold. She towered over the blonde one quite significantly. They both had their hands in their pockets to warm up. "I beg your pardon?" Baker asked.
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"The victim, we know who he is." The blonde stated. Baker was slightly stunned. "Who?" "The football coach, Jacob Magley. Very popular with the kids. They all love him. Everyone does. Especially his wife." "He has a wife?" "Yes, keep up." Blondey rolled her eyes, actually rolled her eyes at him, then sighed. "Red, get out of the football bag!" She shouted. Baker's attention turned to her partner, who had somehow moved from where she was beside the blonde and had made her way to the football bag, where she was picking out each ball to shake it, then toss it over her shoulder. She paused at blonde's demand to reply. "No." She said, in a very French sounding way. And then she proceeded to shake more footballs. The blonde sighed. "This is what I have to deal with daily." Baker suddenly remembered his old colleague mention something about bizarre private detectives who always followed him on cases. Apparently they were the reason he quit a week ago. Bloody good at their jobs, but also bloody annoying. Baker let out a sigh of his own. "Red! Get your head out of that football!" Baker looked back towards the red head, who indeed had her head stuck in a football. Somehow. The football on her turned to face them. "No." And then it started looking deeper into the bag for more footballs. "Why has she got a football on her head?" Blondey shrugged. "Who can guess why the French do anything. I'm assuming she's trying to figure out how someone put a head in a football." She turned to look at him directly. "Have you figured that out yet?" "What? No. I've only just got here." "As did we, and yet, we've got far more leads than you have. How did you even get promoted if you can't produce results?" She tutted. "And I suppose you've managed to gather a suspect while you've been stuffing your face in a football and talking to me?" "Technically, she's putting her face into a football, not me." She turned to her partner. "Red! Stop showing off!" Baker turned yet again to find Red kicking a football expertly, still with that football on her head, and juggling three other balls. She turned to the blonde. "No." She said, yet again, before continuing with her tricks. Baker was slightly stunned. "And of course I have a suspect." The blonde stated, drawing his attention away from the bizzare scene. "Really? Who?" "Why, it's the wife, of course." "Oh, of course." Baker nodded, then caught himself. "Wait, how did you get to that conclusion?" Blondey shrugged. "It's almost always the wife. Even if she's dead." "How does that work?" "Women can be very vengeful. I should know, I got drunk once in Vegas. Wow, that woman I married was not happy when I told her it was a mistake." She shuddered. "I lost my toaster." Baker frowned, trying to make sense of this, but quickly gave up as it had nothing to do with the actual crime scene. "Look, I don't know who you are-" "Oh how dreadfully rude, I'm Hannay. Sounds weird, I know, my parents hated me ever since I kicked my mother from inside the womb." She looked at Red again. "Red! Stop playing football with the children! They're already traumatised enough!" Baker frowned at the game that was now playing before him with Red - still with that football on her head - playing in goal as the kids used a red football to try and score. Baker squinted at the ball before realising that was the evidence they were playing with. "No!" She exclaimed. Baker rushed forward and picked it up from the ground. A kid didn't see him in time and kicked his hand. "Ow!" Blondey tutted at him. "Getting kicked in the hand, not very professional, is it Officer?" Baker didn't have a response to that, so decided to ignore it. Instead, he cradled his injured hand and used it non injured hand to hand over the head to a real professional to examine it. Billy was the closest. "Here, take this back to the labs and try to find some evidence from it." Billy nodded at him and waddled off. Baker turned around and realised the two idiots weren't there anymore. He started to relax but then his relief was quickly interrupted when he began to question where they had gone. He shrugged it off, severely hoping that was the last of them he'd see.
