Annylize <3

Crying on the bathroom floor (Annylize x Reader)

Y/ns girlfriend has recently broken up with her. Y/n feels reminded by everything and doesnt know how to deal with her constant pain. Her moms, Anny and Charlize, dont know about it.

Warnings: HUGE TW,selfharm, panic attack, lots of crying, death wish, eating disorder, near death experience kinda thing?

Mom: Charlize; Mama: Anny

PoV Y/n

Its been 2 weeks. 2 weeks since i received her last message. " weeks since she broke up with me. Maybe its better this way. For her. I want her to be happy. I dont care about my feelings. I love her and I want her to live a happy life.

Without her, i cant. Ive been in so much pain. I havent eaten properly, ive been falling into my old ED habits. My moms didnt notice and neither did my sisters. Nobody did, not even my best friend. She knows about the break up but not about how i am truly feeling. I havent left my room much, neither have i gone out or met friends. Ive buried myself in my bed or my bathroom, going from crying to internally screaming, from panic attack to panic attack. The past weeks have been the hardest for me in a very long time.

I had relapsed a week ago, i didnt want to but i couldnt get the urge away, i needed to let it out.

Thats how i was feeling right now.

Pacing up and down in my room, it was night, maybe like 2 am, pure darkness in my room, the only light was because of some candles. My heart was racing and i was shaking. I didnt know how to breathe and slowly, i felt my mind letting me go to my bathroom.

Taking the razor blade out of my cabinet, i sat down on the floor. Looking at the blade, thinking whether it was worth it. But i had zero fucks to give. Nobody would care, if they even noticed. Mama and Mom know about my past scars, but not about me relapsing now. I wish i didnt. But i cant contain all this anger and sadness towards myself anymore. It is too much for one to handle. How should one do that? Especially a 17 year old girl. How do you expect a girl like me to handle this pain?

With shaking hands, i placed the blade on my already exposed arm. It was full of cuts and scars from before, but i didnt care. Pressing down, i made the first cut. The first was always the hardest. Because you had to overcome your fear of pain. Although, once the first cut was set, you dont feel pain. that how i always feel. Im just numb.

Setting cut after cut, i lost track of time. Having switched to my other arm in the process, seeing all those white lines turn red, the liquid dripping onto my legs and floor, a certain satisfaction settled in me. I finally let myself feel.

A while later, i dont know how much time had passed, i threw the blade somewhere into the bathroom. Swallowing hard, i looked down on the red mess created on the floor, sobbing because of the inner pain. It wasnt long until i would feel the stinging ache of my arms, but i didnt care. Thats what i did it for. To feel.

Slowly, i got up from where i was sat, my legs like jelly, dried blood on my arms and legs. Taking my balance, i stumbled out to my bed room. I felt a little dizzy from sitting the whole time, and also from the blood loss. Almost reaching my bed, i could feel my legs give up under my weight, pulling me down onto the floor. My head hit my bed, making groan out in pain as my body hit the floor.

Would this be it? Would I die like this? Will this be my miserable end? If yes, would people care? Would my moms care? My siblings? My best friend? I wouldnt. If i would die right now, i wouldnt care. I wouldnt mind dying. Its a part of life. Dying. What else do we live for? In the end, everybody dies. Some sooner, some later. Maybe, with a little luck, i am one of those who die sooner. Right now, on this very floor of my bedroom, crouched against my bed with a pounding head.