These past few nights, I can't stop myself from thinking over some things that I know I can control but choose not to do something about it. I've kept reminiscing every single failures I've done these past few years. Idk even know how to start this long shit paragraph that I know no one would even dare to look.
Maybe it all started last 2020,when I'm pure lost. I was lost and couldn't find my way that time but I never really admitted that I was lost. I kept insisting that I'm doing fine, doing great and nothing is wrong with me. Just a normal teenager who suffered the worst part of life. I never really thought about this until this night. I realized that before that "thing" happened, I stopped being myself (is this my real self and that past years were just a phase of me that's meant to be covered by trauma) I once loved playing basketball, biking, walking around, being curious and searching over anything that would click my interest since I'm a kid who's very interested in everything I see, hear or even touch.
As time goes by, I slowly drifted away from the things I once enjoyed and once called as my hobbies. As time goes by, the Shaira that is known for being a gifted child who can easily keep up and full of life, loves to compete and eager to win is already losing her way.
Maybe it was the pandemic, or maybe it's that "thing" idk, I still don't know what happened to me. I can't process everything yet, I'm still in denial.
The biking and basketball is replaced by writing, and I think that writing journey of mine is a dark phase I wish I'll never conquer again.
Although I'm still on the dark phase, I just don't want to be so naive and talkative, I opened up my life to almost everyone as I was seeking for attention, love, care and understanding.
Looking back, I was very fond of writing stories that would always end up on tragic or painful ways, and maybe that's my trauma response, idk.
I started writing poems that mirrors my life and my pain, I looked for plenty of internet friends because I thought no one was really there for me in real life.
I even joined plenty of brotherhood, musichood and every single thing I could think of that I thought would fill the gaps inside my empty heart.
Idk what part of my life I would tackle in this paragraph since my mind is full of thoughts right now.
Maybe I'll end it up now and just write the next upcoming thoughts of mine on the next night wherein I'll be too full of energy andbpain to write again.
Good evening dear self.
