𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐔𝐍𝐀 (18+)

one: hiraeth

The last time I was in the United States of America, my experience wasn't a pleasant one.

Neither was today's morning when my horoscope read out to me, "You're entering an emotionally, physically and mentally turbulent phase of your life. Planetary activity is extremely heavy this month as the Sun and the Mercury pass through the most sensitive area of your chart."

I knew it was talking about how going to the States is a horrible decision. Unfortunately, my parents didn't see this as a good excuse to miss my flight. 

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have just been cleared to land at the John F. Kennedy International airport. Please make sure one last time your seat belt is securely fastened. The flight attendants are currently passing around the cabin to make a final compliance check. Thank you."

So, right now as I hear this announcement, my heart is racing and sinking deeper, and I feel like a cat on hot bricks.

I had promised myself at the age of ten that I would never step another foot in the country but Universe has a really great plan of making me hate myself and my decisions.

The plane hasn't even landed right now, and almost everyone on this flight looks like they are sitting in a chariot which is straight up taking them to heaven to have a dinner with Jesus himself. To make matters worse, this girl next to me singing some weird song and I am fully trying to resist the urge to tell her it pains my ears.

And of course, everyone else is clapping.

I, on the other hand, am feeling claustrophobic in this setting and almost dwelling on the thought of booking a ticket back to Vienna. And while as much as I am eager to feel the Austrian air again, I don't feel particularly excited at the thought of hearing everyone's comments on how stupid I was for leaving something this significant over something that happened ages ago.

After what feels centuries, the plane finally lands, and I force myself to chant that this was matter of only three years. The only thing that might change my mind to leave after three years will be getting a job that pays me two million dollars per week.

Which was not going to happen, for obvious reasons.

As I nervously walk out of the plane, it takes me a minute to even process that I'm living. Maybe suicide is not as bad as the society makes it look.

The air is polluted, I can just feel it. I need to go back. What if I get sick breathing this? Someone has to write a theory on how America is heavily romanticised on social media, and how disgusting it actually is.

Am I getting overdramatic? Absolutely

Do I have the right to? Absolutely

I am completely fluent in English,  but as I ask the taxi driver to take me to Julliard, my home for the next three years, I totally forget how this language works. Ich hasse mein Leben. (I hate my life)

WikiHow never mentioned this in their article about how to control anxiety while speaking when visiting a different country.

I sigh as the tall buildings of the prestigious university comes into view. I vividly remember the scene nine years ago. My family had visited New York and my father had told me how amazing it would be for me if I managed to get here. He was the only one who manifested a career in dance for me.

I have been dancing since I was four.

My mother is a great mother, the type to cook a huge dinner on Saturday nights and pick bagels from local bakeries while she is walking back from work. But, she is a really busy one. And it has been that way since I was born. She only put me in those little dance schools on the end of the streets to ensure I was caught up with something, and she could focus on her work.

Her idea to make me pass my time soon turned out to be the one I got deeply passionate about.

A lot of people had complained about the profession being too risky, and instead of that, pursuing something like STEM or Economics. But nothing gave me the high dancing did. 

My mind couldn't help but drift towards the horoscope. I had really tried to shut it down, but the text kept repeating in my mind, "Planetary alignments indicate that the upcoming phase may test your resilience and fortitude. The challenges you will encounter might be unexpected and catch you off guard, potentially disrupting your plans and goals."

I'll take this is a sign to not read horoscopes further for my mental peace.

Climbing out of the taxi and paying my fare, I heaved another sigh staring at Julliard. While I did not appreciate this country, this opportunity was a privilege not everyone was granted. 

What I had learnt though, was that accepting something clearly doesn't mean being joyful about it, because I felt just as happy as a starved man watching someone else eat.

One deep breathe, or maybe it was two, and then I walked into the building. Dealing with the manager and getting my ID took an exhausting amount of time, but I was finally able to navigate to my room, the wheels of my suitcase making a weird sound as it trailed behind. I told mum I needed a new one, but in pure Austrian mother fashion she blamed it on my inability to carry a suitcase smoothly.

As I opened the door, my eyes immediately fell on the other girl present there. She had brunette hair which reached her shoulders, so smooth and silky it totally stole the show from how small freckles littered her cheeks and her big dark brown eyes.

"Hey, I suppose we're roommates? I am Linnet, freshman in dancing school, nice to meet you," she quickly said, extending her hand towards me and breaking the silence by flashing a big smile at me.

I shook her hand back, "Nice to meet you too, I am Adalia, Adalia Wagner."

"Oh, my Lord, are you European as well, no way," she said so loudly, I was taken aback, but as the words sit in, I think I felt happy for the first time that day.

"I am Austrian, are you from Europe too?" I asked, and now that I look at her face again, it feels like an obvious question to ask.

And suddenly she starts laughing. So loud, with her eyes crinkling, and while I wanted to ask desperately what it was, it felt like a moment not to ruin with words.

"Jesus Christ, speak of the coincidence," she mutters before speaking, "I am Hungarian."

If we were still within the boundaries of Europe right now, I would have eye rolled at her as a joke, and my grandmother would have called me to change my room arrangement as soon as possible after finding out. But right now, as we stand so far away from our homeland, I can't help but feel warm about the idea of sharing with someone who was brought up in a similar place.

Maybe having to move to the States was the worst possible thing the Universe could have done to me, but a small part of it still cared.

I am delusional, sue me. 

Fuck what the astrological horoscope said about the disaster approaching my life, that shit was false, and maybe, just maybe, I end up thriving here.