Ghost of You

3. Being fine is overrated

Apathy. The worst feeling possible. It poisons your mind and body and makes everything turn grey. Like a dementor from Harry Potter, apathy is a monster, that takes away everything good in your life, leaving you with emptiness, which can't be filled.

Connor has never believed in apathy. He thought people made it up to excuse the lack of motivation. "You can't just stop feeling. Something good, something bad, heartbreaking. There's always something that you feel and it makes you human, it leads you to further decisions." he used this argument every time, when the concept of apathy was discussed.

To be fair, it happened only once. Rosemary made him watch that old depressing movie, in which apathy appeared. Connor finally could use his unbeatable argument, getting ready for the applauses and appreciation of his brilliant mind, but Rose wasn't that easy, she always knew what to reply.

"It is a medical term, you can't just ignore it," she was ranting, trying to convince her significant other to "stop being so ignorant". Thinking one of them would succeed in that conversation was more than needless. Both were stubborn as hell and even though Connor started seeing "a seed of truth" in Rosemary's words, he would never hurt his ego like that and said that to her. And she perfectly knew that. Everything was in his eyes and the way he tried to change the topic.

Their relationship had never been perfect. They were fighting, then made out, then fighting again, and swore to love each other forever at the end. It was a never-ending circle but at the end of the day, it was always about their love for each other. They knew they weren't perfect but those imperfections made them even more attached. It was like missing part of a puzzle, that made the world clearer. When Rosemary was gone, Connor felt that someone messed everything up again and now not only one piece but half of the puzzle was lost. Honestly, he wasn't sure if he would ever find at least some of those lost pieces again. But what Connor was sure about is that he finally believed in the existence of apathy. Moreover, he fully experienced it, cause that stupid feeling of being empty covered him and made Connor drown in the ocean of nothing.

It's been a year since she passed away now. Most people say, that you can be ready to move on now, continue living, start being excited about new opportunities, and let the past go. "Bullshit!" thought Connor, "All that bullshit is written and said by people who never experienced real grief."

Did he move on? Not even half a step forward. He was still leaving in the same apartment, going to the same job, the only exception was that he wasn't writing music anymore. He just couldn't, so he fully dived into the technical side of the process of producing music. For others, his dream about being a musician died with Rose. It was their dream, without her there was no motivation, no inspiration, and no fucking point.

At some point, a few months ago, he tried to end everything and make it easier for those, who still cared about him for some reason. That's how he found out he was "too weak" to do it, even though many people would strongly disagree with such a conclusion.

"You should at least go for a one-night stand at some point. I'm worried your dick will dry out with another year without sex," Shawn, Connor's best friend, wasn't known for using the most beautiful language. He was as direct as he could and was sure that's exactly what made their friendship long and strong.

"You're so obsessed with my dick. I'm getting slightly concerned." Connor tried to laugh it up and got a pillow flying directly at his face. At moments like this, it could seem like everything is fine and life's going on. It was easier to pretend anything when people were around. Being a people pleaser has its benefits.

"Jerk! I'm trying to help you, like, come on, I need to know you are fine." Shawn's getting more serious. Oh no, not this conversation again.

"Being fine is overrated. All the greatest masterpieces were created by those who were broken," notices Connor.