Comfortable Silence |Virgato|

Chapter 15

At night, the gazebo in the courtyard is lit up with string lights - the kind that look like little miniature light bulbs - and the soft, warm light is a cozy contrast to the harsh LED floodlights that illuminate most of the exterior of the building.

It's a perfect match for Joel's slightly fuzzy mind. They've had a few beers, just enough to keep them warm so they can stay out in the gazebo a little longer, breathing in the crisp air.

Chris likes to put his hands inside Joel's jacket pockets. It's because Joel often has his own hands inside his jacket pockets, so Chris will slip one of his in on top, rubbing a thumb over Joel's wrist before letting his hand settle, warm and soft on top of Joel's.

That's what he's doing now, his other hand gripping a beer bottle and holding it in place on top of his thigh. His face is stuck in a lazy half-grin, happy and content. Joel's tired in that lovely way that feels like it's for the right reasons. Satisfied tired, because at the end of the day, he's happy here with Chris and he's tired because he's living. It's so different from the tired he'd become accustomed to - tired because he wasn't living at all. Tired because just the thought of existing seemed like too much.

In his pocket, Chris's hand squeezes his, and Joel can feel the insistence behind it. "Do you ever feel like you're playing a part? And like everything happening to you is a little too right, so it must be fake?" He sounds a little breathless and unsure, not clear on how he actually feels about what he's saying.

And it's only because it's Chris that Joel admits, "Mm, yeah, all the time, except it's not just when things are too right."

Voice soft and low, warm and weightless, Chris asks, "What do you mean?" It's curiosity mixed with this urgency that feels like Chris is desperate to hear anything Joel has to say about himself.

It shouldn't be as reassuring as it is.

"I feel like every time I'm around other people, I'm performing, in a way? And so are they. It's a scene. It's what they think should be happening in that specific situation. And I spend so much of my life doing what I need to do to get through it without ruining the scene, because if I don't, what's left?"

"Do you feel like we're performing right now?"

Joel pauses, exhaling through his nose thoughtfully, eyes tracing along the string of lights stretching across the ceiling of the gazebo. "Not right now. I don't usually feel like that with you." He flicks his eyes down to Chris's. "Is it a bad feeling for you, when nice moments seem fake?"

"Not bad, exactly," Chris says, running his thumb over the side of his beer bottle, looking at his newly light pink thumbnail with satisfaction. "Just kind of disconcerting. And I guess maybe it's like what you said - subconsciously, it makes me wonder if any of it is really real, or if I'm just being tricked into a manufactured moment of happiness."

"Jesus," Joel mumbles, shaking his head. "Why are we like this?"

Chris snickers and pats Joel's hand, just twice, reminding Joel that he is real and human, and it's really just them right now. "I think we're just too damn thoughtful and perceptive for our own good." He grins at Joel, taking a drink of his beer before he continues, "But that's the thing." His voice ticks up excitedly, words spilling out faster. "You said it doesn't usually feel like that with me. And the reason I asked you about it is because it just occurred to me that I was in the middle of a really nice moment, and it didn't feel fake, and then I realized how many times I've had that with you."

Joel smiles softly, actually completely overwhelmed by everything Chris just said, but unable to even begin to process it. "Like somehow we cancel each other's neurosis out?"