wasted determination

Chapter 8 - The Sun Found Me

I found myself rising from slumber. My head buzzed. I felt oddly dizzy, like I hadn't slept properly. I sat up and the dizzy feeling simply got worse though I still felt warm after getting up from my bed and undoing the covers; truly a feeling I can't complain about. Yet it didn't feel right. I had killed someone. Two people, actually. Both were innocent. Both didn't know their fates that day. Both had a shinier future than me. A more clear, structured, organized future. They had something going for the both of them. It didn't feel right. I turned around, now sitting on the edge of my bed. I rubbed my eyes, noticing a silhouette. That's when it hit me. I saw him. Him. The man I craved to see for so long. He was right there, untouched by any harm. He looked just like how I wished for him to look. Oh, how I longed for him. But.. It didn't feel like it was him. He smiled, leaning down. 

"Seth? What's the shocked face for?" That was not my brother. It couldn't be. 

"Get out of my room, please." I scramble around my bed, helpless by the trance I've been put in. The only thing that felt real in this moment was the dead gaze upon me.

"Seth, you've done funnier bits. I'm your brother. What's the distrust for?" That's not what he talked like. That's not how he spoke. He'd never say something like that. 

"You're not him. You.." He sighed, crouching down onto my bed. I instinctively crawled back, creasing the seemingly perfectly rested sheets. Soon he was on top of me. I only closed my eyes, hoping to fall back asleep so I wouldn't have to face him if he even was real in the first place. I felt cold hands grip onto my neck. I did deserve this. I killed.. no, I didn't only end them. I also ended a family bond or two. I ended friendships, I ended careers. I ended possibilities. So now he could end me. I mean, I should've foreseen this. He was gonna be mad at me for killing, y'know, Clair. It would be a shame to be brothers with a murderer, dead or alive. 

The grip around my throat tightened. I opened my eyes just to stare into his narrow, squinted eyes. The only emotion I could decipher was deep hatred. No longer was I worthy to be his brother. No longer was I worthy to be alive. I was no longer a person, rather a stray dog. As I felt my breath slip away, a weird, wet and warm sensation could be felt around my head soon to be followed by a stingy headache. I shot up from my bed, realizing the extent of the pool of sweat I've made. It was all just a dream. And I'm really glad it was.

Putting the nightmare aside, Candenza told me that he's gonna be here soon. 

It's not like I'm not looking forward to it.

It's more like I'm scared of what he'll think of me. 

He'll see a depressing-to-look-at man crumbling in front of him.

But maybe it will help seeing him again? 

Whatever.

I slipped up from my bed, shoving myself to the bathroom to take a shower and headache medicine. It tasted horrid but it did ease the pain a lot. Horribly, I don't know if I really did wanna go through with this deal. I did do my part but the stress of having Matthew back and potentially discovering what I had done was just.. too much. I couldn't possibly have another person hate me. I'd feel easier about this pact if there was some type of guaranteeing fact that Candenza had erased all of the evidence that might speak for the murder of Miles 'n Clair. 

I can't sit around all day. I went on with my daily routine which included making breakfast in my pyjamas, eating while watching TV and ..a walk. It felt shameful to be outside again. It felt like everyone knew what I, Seth Smiles, had done to his beloved sister and acquainted neighbor. The sun on my skin felt just like the stares I'd get from passersby as I hurried down to the graveyard. Trembling, I scanned the area for Matthew's grave. Nothing. FUCKING NOTHING. No gravestone, no flowers, no candles. Nothing. I asked myself if they might've bulldozed it down or something? No, there would've been marks on the ground. The area of fresh green lawn just seemed untouched like there has never been a grave at all. 

This has to be Candenzas doing. I'm convinced. Irritated, I could only stare at the piece of lawn. As I slipped out of the trance, I noticed two teenage girls giggling and giving me quick looks. Before I could've moved, they noticed that I saw them and darted away into the high grass of the untended-to cemetery. I sighed, parting my way through the grass as well. I for sure was just going insane. Candenza probably made it disappear as some sort of foreshadowing of his return. 

The bright light of the star blinded me as I went through the cemetery gates. It felt like I was still being judged. It felt like I was being judged by him.

How do I apologize for such, my dear brother? I never wanted it to turn out this way.

I'd yell at myself for that sentence too.

I should've just said no.

But she gave me what I needed. She gave me what I longed for.

Your stray dog is coming back and will be scratching at your door if you'll turn to hate me.

I'll beg till you forgive me, I'll make it alright again, I promise.

Just one more chance, I beg.