wasted determination

Chapter 7 - Have some remorse, be true

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[CHARACTER DEATH! PLEASE BEWARE! CLICK OFF IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE DEATH OF CLAIR J SMILES!]

I got a letter from Clair.

I knew she preferred writing over texting.

It stated that she was coming over soon.

Soon, in 7 hours. 

For context, it's a Friday. By the time she'll come, it'll be about 3 in the afternoon. And hell, I don't feel very confident in being around her. If we get into another argument, I'm afraid I might get rid of her entirely. I'm very aware of the deal going on still, yet I still just can't bring myself to, well..

"View her objectively. View her with no emotional involvement. View her with no bond."

That's the sort of advice I got from Candenza. Is easier said than done but I can try. She is basically telling me to just abandon my status as a member of this family. If I do that, then wouldn't this whole deal be worthless? Well. Maybe if I just let rage take over then it won't be as painful as I think it would be. I'll just have to learn to hate on command. 

5 hours till Clair arrives. I can't deal with this pressure.

I feel empty. Like, just nothing. But I can feel something bad is coming, for sure. But fuck, I wish I knew what was coming, really. Don't ask me 'cause I won't know the answer. I can find myself making plans on how to get rid of her body already. The sooner I finish the deal, the better. 

I hear a knock. It's her. It's got to be her. I quickly throw over my jacket before coming to greet her. Rushing over to the door, I reluctantly tilted the knob to open it. Behind the door stood Clair. Who else could I have expected? My vision blurred for a second. Clair snapped me out of it.

"Hey, Seth? Are you gonna say something?" 

I apologised in the most humble way I could. "Right, yeah. Hey Clair. I'm sorry about what happened at the hospital." 

"Yeah, yeah. Sure are." She stepped closer. "Have you been drinking again? Like usual?" 

"Whatt? Noo.. I haven't." I didn't lie.

She soon seemed to be very.. close to me. Too close. It didn't feel like it was me acting any of this. I eyed the crowbar in the corner of my hallway. As I found Clair continuing to walk towards the living room, I couldn't help but follow. Once and for all, I think this is the time where I'll do my part of the deal. Seating herself in the living room, Clair began to talk.

"So, how was your time in recovery? Made any progress?" The question sounded stingy. Mocking even. I didn't feel like she said so with good intentions.

"Whatever you may call it. I haven't touched a drop of alcohol for about 6 days now." She smiled at my response. I felt an overpowering sense of rage build up within. She wasn't being genuine at all. She means to deceive me, doesn't she?  At seeing my zoned-out face, she sighed. 

"I know it's been hard for you ever since Matthew has passed on. No, ever since Dad's passed on. But you'll learn to toughen up, y'know? I'm doing perfectly fine! I don't get how you're.. like.. still dwelling on it this much."  Fucking hell. She doesn't learn.

"I don't get how you're still so happy through ALL of this! It's like it never really affected you! NEVER!" I shouted at her, my voice breaking at certain words. 

"Seth-"

"Don't call me by my name. Please. You just.. moved on. You don't feel anything, do you!?"

She sighed sharply. "I at least tried to move on. I've tried helping you with this so much. You never seem to listen, that's the thing! YOU DON'T TAKE ADVICE, SETH! YOU ASK AND THEN YOU REJECT IT! AND THAT'S WHAT YOU DENY! YOU'RE DENYING IT! YOU'RE DENYING EVERYTHING! YOU JUST.. CAN'T SEEM TO FACE REALITY! MATTHEW'S DEAD! ROBERT'S DEAD! DAN'S DEAD! AND SOON YOU'RE GONNA DIE TOO IF YOU KEEP LIVING LIKE THIS! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HARD IT-" Thump.

What did I just do? I just.. what did I..? I found myself staring down at my hands. I just whacked my sister's head with a crowbar. How'd I get the crowbar that quick..? We were in the hallway. I hadn't noticed the walking either. Well, if I've already started this, then..

I kneeled over Clair's soon-to-be corpse and continued to roughly shove the crowbar into her head over and over. It was almost like I was mashing her skull apart. I felt fucking furious at myself. Instant guilt hit but I couldn't seem to stop. Like, like, I was stuck in this motion of continuously hitting her head with that cursed piece of metal. Finally, I felt myself stopping. Smiling down at her body. As I regained control, I felt sickened. I rushed to the bathroom which was right next to me, throwing my guts up into the toilet bowl. I just.. took someone's life. Someone, who this time, was very real. And alive.

As my stomach calmed down, I felt a sense of numbness thrive. I could think without emotional involvement now. My first thought was about how to get rid of the body. I sat on the floor and thought for a while as I cleaned myself up and drank a glass of water. I'll go down tonight. We have a certain fireplace station downstairs. Maybe Candenza will help me cover the murder up too. I remembered her phone number and instantly dialed it. She answered in her usual radiant voice.

"Hello, Candenza speaking?" I could hear the smile she wore on her lips.

"Hey soo.. would it be possible for you to get rid of a body or two? In case there's.. any witnesses."

"Ah! So you finally did your part of the deal?"

"Yeah.. yeah."

"Leave it in throw-in dumpster section of your building. Go there at 1AM sharp for maximum efficiency."

I sighed, nodding. "Yeah, fine."

"See you soon. :)" She hung up.

What did I do?

The clock struck 1AM about 8 hours later. I got up from my bed and dragged her corpse downstairs in a particularly large trash bag. 

I stared at the dumpster, down into whatever it was gonna lead to. I was almost oblivious to the steps that soon came behind me. 

"Mr. Smiles? Is that you?" I didn't respond. I only froze out of shock. I knew this voice. It was my neighbor, Miles. Miles Sheffield. 

".. S-Seth?" He repeated. I didn't like hearing my first name said by strangers. I sighed, putting the bag down for now. That was before I came storming towards him, bashing him down onto the floor. I sat on-top of him, staring right through his fearful gaze. I could only make out what sounded like begging for his life before I slammed my fist into his throat. He tried to recoil, coughing and coughing till he simply.. choked. I guess now that I had killed 2 people, it's no new thing to me. I sighed, grabbing his corpse to shove it over to the dumpster. I threw Clair first, then Miles, as the clock struck around 1:20AM. I knew I was gonna be questioned soon but I doubt it was gonna be anything too bad. This building is pretty cheap. No cameras unless it's a main hallway. Nothing will happen, Seth. Nothing.