One chapter journey

Peony

Request- Bhavika 

Trigger warning- self harm, slight graphic details

When I saw her for the first time, she was a no one, really. I didn't pay attention to anyone, mostly because I wanted to be by myself. I had no friends, no one to talk to. Just a hopeless romantic lost in her hopeless dreams.

But she. She changed me. The first time we started talking, I knew we would get along. We lost track of time as we spoke and laughed together. I started enjoying her company. Each night, I slept hoping to meet her the next day.

It wasn't really a surprise when I started to catch feelings. She was just too perfect. Everytime I saw her flaws, the more perfect she seemed each time. Everytime she showed one slight imperfection, the more beautiful she looked. 

Soon, we got to know more about each other. We builded our trust, our friendship. 

The first time I sat next to her, she held my hand. My heart raced and millions of butterflies flew in my stomach. It still does, when I think about it. The way her hand felt, would be something I'll never ever forget.

Her eyes had that shine. They looked so beautiful and charming. Like priceless stones. One could get lost in them, never hoping to return. Lord, I could stare at them forever. Her eyes spoke. It had their own language. And god, was it beautiful.

The way her hair flowed through my fingers. The way she brushed them aside. The way she tied them up. It was like heaven. Even the slightest movement of them amazed me. 

Her smile. No words could ever compare how much I adored it. The way that little dimple made it's way to her soft cheeks, it was simply astonishing. It seemed like there couldn't be anything more beautiful than it.

She was passionate about the things she loved. She loved talking about it. She chattered all day and I never got tired listening.

I met goddess herself.

Everytime I went home, I regretted not talking to her enough. I feared I didn't make enough memories.

Every moment I spent with her, I felt like a blossoming peony.

Then it came. The time when her life took a bad turn. She changed. She spoke words which hurt. Which tore me apart. Words hold a lot of power. They can rip a person apart. They can make you feel as if you worth nothing, useless, trash.

The peony was being stepped upon multiple times. Some of it's petals fell, but it continued to live on.

I stayed beside her, knowing she was having it hard. Knowing the words would pass. It was probably my immense love for her, but I wished to stay.

I didn't even realise when my 'feelings' turned into 'love.'

We sometimes don't realise things often. When we should have. We interpretate things wrong. But that's okay. It's life, afterall.

Soon, everything became normal again. She started being her usual self. We talked each day, and I again felt like a blossoming peony.

The first time 'I love you' came from her, it seemed impossible. That's what she was. My impossible, hopeless dream. How could someone as perfect as her even look in the way of someone like me? Me, an average girl with nothing spectacular. How could she fall for someone like me?

But I accepted it. Soon, she became my reason to breathe. The reason my heart beat. The reason blood flowed in my body. She became my night, she became my day. She became my sorrow, she became my joy.

Little notes were exchanged, little looks were stolen. Oh, my love, I couldn't get enough of you. For me, there was only you. You became my favourite poem.

But all good things must come to an end. With that, even our little love story ended. It hurt, but I understood. I wanted you forever, even if it was just as friends.

It hurt when I realised we weren't the same anymore. It hurt when I realised we didn't laugh like before anymore. To anyone else, it might seem normal, but we both knew it wasn't the same.

It hurt so much. But do you know what hurt more? When I saw her fall for someone else. Someone who isn't me. Someone charming, smart, beautiful. I saw how her eyes lit up when the other girl walked by. I saw her smile widening when she talked about her. The same eyes, the same eyes which I fell for.

It felt someone was taking out my guts. Like my brain melted and came out of my ears. Like a hot knife slashed through my body again and again. The blood still flowed in my body, but it didn't seem real anymore.

To numb everything, thin blade met my flesh. I don't know why, but I adored the way blood oozed out of my skin. I loved the way those fresh marks looked on my skin.

I lost interest in everything. Things which I loved, they seemed nothing anymore. After all, my whole world, which was her, left all so suddenly.

But still, I have no regrets except one. Why didn't I tell you everything I felt about you? Why didn't I do it when I had the chance?

Oh my love, I couldn't say it earlier. So I say it now, even if the words can't reach you anymore.

I wanna spend the rest of my sunsets with you.

I admire you.

My heart "!" when it sees you.

You smell like love.

I hope you crave my hugs as much as I do yours.

Your smile is enough to make a garden blossom.

I think of you when I see the moon.

You are art, my darling.

I loved your letters.

Our little talks mean the world to me.

You are my favourite.

I'm so glad you exist.

Your eyes are like pearls in moonlight.

You are all I ever wanted love to be.

Reader, you might think I'm stupid. But that's how it really is. I'm still the hopeless romantic lost in her hopeless dreams. But something has changed. I don't know what, but something has changed.

The peony continues to exist, even though it withered.