Only eyes for you

Lost

I woke up the next morning. I felt empty. A piece of me was missing. I weren't in my own body. I couldn't get it out of my head. It was like seeing one of these stupid Netflix series about a friend group, where the couple breaks up. After that everything just gets ruined in the friend group. God I hated him. I should hate him. He didn't even deserve the love that I gave him. Our break up  was embarrassing. Not because it was our first time breaking up. It happened every year. My parents didn't really like him, but they still accepted him because they knew how much I loved him. This time I knew Austin and I wouldn't get back together. This time, it was forever. It's probably also the best thing for both of us. Our relationship has always been toxic. 

I guess our friends saw it as a normal thing. Back in time, they weren't surprised by the news about him and I breaking up. We used to get back together after 2 weeks.

I checked my phone, to see if there was just a little sight of him trying to get me back. I weren't surprised when there wasn't. I miss him, but I shouldn't miss him. I want to hate him, but it's hard. You can't just from one day to another start hating a person. I really just want him gone.

I took an extra look on my phone screen. I saw the picture of Austin and I on our boat trip. On the third day we got in a huge fight. He talked about how I was self-centered and problematic. I cried a lot that day. Thinking back I should have broken up with him.

I was so in love, I ignored all the other problems. I also ignored every time my friends told me, that he wasn't good for me. I looked for the third time on my lock screen. The picture made me tear up.

In the picture I had my brunette phase. That was the worst time of my life. Dad wasn't home that often because of Formula 1. Me and Austin were fighting all the time too. I didn't talk to that many people about it. Olivia only knows a bit of it. I don't want everyone to know about, every single little problem I have in my life, or had. When I was younger I was told, that if you are to open, people will see how they can break you. They will always do it at the worst times of your life. 

It was maybe a little toxic living by those words, but I didn't know any better. So I just did.

It was even Austin's first time seeing me crying. I don't cry that often. He really hit a spot that has completely destroyed me. 

But now I'm just in my bed.

Actually that whole day, I laid in my bed. Didn't do anything else. I watched some series and TikToks, but nothing more than that. I didn't even eat. I wasn't hungry at all. I didn't have the energy to even chew the food. All I had energy to, was to click on the remote to start the next episode or scroll down my ForYouPage.

When it started to get darker, my mom came into my room. I didn't want to talk about it. I felt embarrassed for breaking up with my boyfriend. I just wanted them to think by themself, so I didn't have to talk about it.

"Hi sweetie, is everything alright?" she said. She looked worried.

"Yes, I'm fine. Just tired from yesterday." I faked a yawn at the end so she would might leave me alone.

"Olivia came earlier. I told her that you felt sick. I'm sorry hunny, but Austin wasn't the best boyfriend for you..." she sat down in my bed and looked down at her thighs. She ran her hands down har pants, to smooth them out. Olivia must have told her about me and Austin. It was some kind of relive that I didn't have to say it. 

"Olivia must have told you. I mean, it's not because I'm sad. I just think it's more the thought of not having him in my life anymore. All those memories we shared, they are just gone." I felt like a grown up for saying that. It sounded smart, in a sad way. I sat up in my bed so it was easier for us to have a conversation.

"I know things like this can be hard to talk about, and I will say it to dad and Jack. So don't worry about that. I think you maybe should post on your Instagram story about you and Austin breaking up. You have many fans, and you could at least tell them the truth about how you are feeling. You shouldn't always post the positive sides of your life hunny. No one's life is always easy, so show your fans that you have bad days too." she smiled and tucked some of my hair behind my ear. I didn't answer, I just hugged her.

I love my mom, she is the best person to talk to. She will always help me, and is always ready to joke around.

"I will leave you alone for now. Olivia will maybe come over tomorrow. Do you want me to say that you are sick again, or can she stay?" she looked me deep in the eyes.

"Hmm, just let her stay. She always makes me happy. Goodnight mom." I gave her the biggest smile I could make.

She giggled "goodnight my lovely daughter." She closed the door behind her.

I opened Instagram to post on my story about the situation with me and Austin.