Fresh Start

Trapped

I don't really like school. I mean, I've been pushed around and I've started to give up on my grades. I suck at making friends with new kids because I feel insecure. But not as insecure as at home.

My mom doesn't take me anywhere. If I need laundry done, I usually wash it. If she's nice she'll give me money and I have to lug it to the laundromat down the hill by myself and then bring it back up. She doesn't really do anything for me that she doesn't have to. I make my own breakfast, I skip lunch half of the time at school, and I don't get seconds for dinner. I'm happy that I'm allowed to watch tv and that I actually have a tv in my room. The best thing is the radio my dad gave me.

I haven't seen my dad in months. I'm not even sure if he lives in the same state as me anymore. I have a phone too, which my half brother gave me for Christmas but I don't have my dad's phone number and I don't think he really gives a crap about his almost-fourteen-year-old daughter, otherwise he would want custody of me. I don't even think he's given my mom any money for me. Now that I think about it, I wouldn't know because my mom would just spend it on herself. Oh well.

I guess my mom wanted me to get good grades so she didn't have a bad reputation and nobody suspected anything. She got what she wanted for a while but my grades are dropping. It's not directly because of how I'm being treated. I think it's from the fact that I'm just having breakdowns every once in a while. I've wanted to cut. I've wanted to kill myself. I mean my conditions could be worse but I hate my appearance sometimes. Even when my friend told me that my thighs are nothing compared to hers, I still feel insecure sometimes. I have a lot of leg muscle but sometimes I wonder if it's really fat. My face is pretty ugly and I'm too skinny but sometimes I actually think I'm chubby. My mom actually says, "You're getting a belly." How? I don't eat much. I probably would've cut but I couldn't get my hands on a blade. I could break the one on my sharpener but I didn't want her to hear anything. And besides, she's constantly invading my space and not respecting the fact that I'm a teenage girl and I need privacy.