valentine (Complete)

II

"So... um..." Louis mumbles, walking into his flat after Harry. This isn't his specialty, where does he go from here? Maybe Harry didn't hear him. He's not that lucky. 

"Hmm?" Harry encourages. Louis takes a deep breath, looking away from Harry cause maybe he's a bit pathetic. 

"Uh, Valentine's Day... I'm not... not doing anything," he almost whispers. He almost can't hear himself, and he mentally cringes at it. He's not a shy person, he could do so much better than this, "I mean," he clears his throat, "if you wanna do something, I'm free." 

As much as he hates how awkward he's being, as much as he hates everything he's feeling - Harry lights up. Harry smiles that smile that brings Louis to life, the gold glint in his eyes shines a little brighter, and Louis really can't keep feeling bad for himself - not when Harry glows like that. 

"We don't really have to do anything..." Harry's cheeks heat up, Louis thinks he's beautiful. "I just want to, you know... be in your space." 

Maybe Louis can't keep pretending to have control over himself. Not when Harry says things that make him feel... like this. He'd never admit how much he loves the feeling. 

"Well... you're my princess so I have to spoil you," he takes pride in his ability to hide behind sarcasm, but at this moment... he only feels his face getting warmer with every word, "I'd quite like to be in your space too though." 

One thing Louis knows - and adores - about Harry, is that he has the most goofy smile Louis has ever seen. He also knows Harry tries to hide that goofy smile more than any of his other smiles. It's the one that shows up when he just can't contain himself, and he always tries to hide it. 

Like now. As he bites his lip, almost harshly, in an attempt to push the smile down. Louis won't accept this, won't accept Harry hiding the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. 

So he reaches forward, ever so gently pulling Harry's bottom lip from between his teeth before leaning towards him and placing a soft kiss, more of a simple brush, a quick second of sharing breath. 

Louis has never felt more... connected. They hardly touched, but it was enough. It felt like enough. Louis felt Harry - felt like they were traveling on a wavelength together, one that no one else could even see. In that moment, it was them. The rest of the world fell away. 

"There's a mini-golf course opening right after Valentine's day...?" Harry offers in a whisper. The moment - the connection - didn't fade. Louis would throw the L word at this man if he was crazy.

Perhaps he is crazy.

"That's after," he whispers back. What else does he have to say? How is he supposed to form a proper response when he can only focus on their close proximity?

"We can start our own traditions."

Louis can't handle hearing these things. Traditions? Transitions are things people make when they're together for a long time. Does Harry want that? Have they talked about what they want?

Does Louis want a long time? Does he want to drag Harry into... whatever disaster his life is.

"Louis?"

The way Harry says his name makes Louis feel things he likes but... can he do that to Harry? Would he be able to treat Harry right?

"Louis, are you okay?"

What's the saying, you can't truly love someone until you love yourself? Could Louis give Harry everything he deserves?

"Louis."

"Yeah... yeah, I'm okay," Louis takes a step back, putting a distance between Harry and himself. Maybe he shouldn't get into this?

"Penny for your thoughts?" Harry steps towards him, covering the space Louis had just created.

"I... You're... you're good. You're a really good person," Louis says as he leans on the door, and it may be the only thing keeping him up. He avoids Harry's eyes and looks to the floor instead, but can still see his eyebrows furrow.

"Um... thank you?" Harry replies, tilting his head slightly.

"I..." Louis pauses. How can he push Harry away without hurting himself?

He's being selfish - he knows he is. He can't treat Harry how he deserves but he's too damn selfish to let him go.

"I'm not." He decides on. He can still see Harry's face without looking at him, and he closes his eyes, telling himself the atmosphere around them wasn't awkward and tight.

"You're not good? Lou, yes you are," Harry tells him as he grabs his hand. Louis feels so safe. But is Harry safe with him the same way?

"Harry, please. I can't handle myself, it's selfish to pretend I could treat you right," he almost pleads as he pulls his hand from Harry's, and he silently curses himself as his eyes manage to water while still closed, and he opens them to try to blink his feelings away.

"What? I... where did this even come from? Louis, I get what you mean, I do... I just don't agree. Yeah, it might be too early to be so confident but... Louis, give this a chance, please. Not just for me, give yourself a chance to prove yourself wrong." Harry stumbles over his words, and Louis still refuses to meet his eyes. 

"I'm really tired... and I'd like to get some rest," Louis can feel his throat burning with the words, he feels himself crumbling, and he doesn't know what to do. He just wants to fall back into the hole he was in before Harry, and he doesn't want to drag Harry into it with him. 

"Louis. I really enjoy spending time with you. I'm tired too, we got up really early this morning. Get some rest. I'll be over in the morning, and we can talk over a game of cribbage." 

Harry's voice is soothing - annoyingly so, Louis doesn't want to be soothed right now. 

He doesn't remember moving away from the door, he doesn't remember going to the couch. 

But he remembers the sound of the door closing, and he remembers feeling a single tear free itself from where he'd held it captive.