Through their glass eyes, we yearn

pink

!!!!WARNING!!!!!-from this point on the story becomes extremely disturbing, violent, graphic and triggering for some. Read the tags and this is your one and only warning. Don't report just leave because you read this warning, the tags and still continued to read. I am not responsible for any trigger attacks or any actions that are inspired by this. Saying that, nothing in this story is meant or should be romanticized or internalized and if you relate to anything the main character does or thinks i strongly suggest you seek professional help. This story is entirely FICTIONAL and NOT REAL. This is your one and only warning and i hope you enjoy this lovesick story that can only end badly. ~Rowanluvzz

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I woke up to the sound of my phone alarm. Time to get ready for school. I pushed my dog off from me to get up. Claudette, my pit bull slept next to me all night because she was frightened from the storm the night before. The first tornado to hit Dallas in 15 years. On my phone there were videos everywhere of the damage around the city and i felt lucky my apartment was mostly unscathed. "Wow it was worse than i thought." i said to myself.

At school I didnt have many friends, but a lot of people know me. An incident from a year ago stained my reputation for a while and people were a little scared of me. But i told myself high school would be better and i just have to finish 7th and 8th grade and i would be a better version of myself. Someone people would like.

     I remember halfway through middle school i was in a constant state of severe daydreaming and couldnt tell what was real and what was in my mind. High on life was what i told myself but really my mind was just doing everything in its power to block out my home and school life and severe mental issues. I was desperate for attention, touch starved, and believed i didnt deserve anything good and every bad thing that happened to me was some divine punishment form the universe because i deserved it and i would be rewarded a gift soon when the mold told me it was time to kill myself.

   I believed that mold and mushrooms could talk to me because they were the nervous system of the earth and the earth was telling me to do things in order to be the perfect fertilizer for once i killed myself. I didnt know what my reward for all my suffering would be but i believed it would be beautiful and perfect and just for me. See that was the thing, i would become obsessed with anything and everything that showed me a kind word or a glance.

    Attention and proof that i existed. that i wasnt mold yet and that i had a reason to stay before i gave myself to Mother earth. I never left my room and never talked to my family and only went out for school. My brother had already dropped out and converted into a raging addict and pan handler by that time. My poor father worked constantly and spent his money on rent and bills, it seemed like torture breaking his back all night at work and not having any money left.

My mother was probably the main offense to our family. She would do nothing but take and take. A cheating, stealing , cowardly, fighting, passive aggressive, bipolar paranoid raging drug addict. Always the victim and never took responsiblity for any of the burdens she constantly bared onto us.

     Any and every time i left my room she would go through it and break and steal whatever she could find. Any time i would come home from school i never knew what i would walk into, but one thing i knew for sure was that it would be extremely stressful and my room would be ajar and completely rifled and lived in. I could count on that. To me it seemed like she wanted to be me, and would live in my room while i wasnt there to live her fantasy. When she was around which would become less and less over the years, she would constantly blame me for ruining her body by being born, how much of slut and burden i was, and any mistake i ever made was used against me until i made another one worse.

 
   She would always talk about her traumatizing confusing childhood like a sermon. Everyday my arms and legs were scabbing, scarred, itchy, stinging, or actively bleeding. Any need i had was used against me. My father was always too tired or depressed to do anything about it. My parents were the kind of parents that should 100% be divorced but nothing was ever official and their toxic relationship would never ever end.

Their screaming words and toxic love would poison my mind and the way i loved. Down to the slightest facial movement to the energy i felt I would overthink and analyze every single detail about any interaction i had because i was convinced i was the scum of the earth. The most ugly, annoying, creepy, unwanted burden to ever exist and that there was no human alive worse than me. Everyone wanted to leave me, everything i did was a mistake. I fell in love with everyone. I was convinced that anyone who showed me attention was the gift the universe wanted to give me and id do a n y t h i n g to keep them from leaving me.

When the tornado hit Stanmark middle school it destroyed everything leaving the students with no choice but to migrate to other schools. Neighboring schools like mine suddenly had about 150 new students and we called them the Stanny Kids. There was a funny way of being able to tell if you were a stanny kid because your mind memorizes the general shape of everyone's face in the hallway and the unfamiliar or "new" faces were Stannies. Until we graduated we always called them Stanny kids. 

  On my way to school that day i watched from the bus window all the destruction around the city that was once so strong the day before. Trees were in store windows, on tops of cars and logs in the road. Store letters missing and flickering. Debris was everywhere and buildings had crumbled. Birds flew frantically atop us and firefighters raced everywhere. 

When we got to school we watched the news in class and didnt have much work.

About two weeks later our school got a massive shipment of desks, supplies, chairs, and such from Stanmark. If you looked closely at some of the desks you could see gashes and blows from the tornado. They announced we would be merging with Stanmark and to make the new kids feel welcomed.

Two days later was when my life would change forever because id meet You. 

 You.

My Morgan. 

My life.

My will.

The one id worship the ground on. 

The one that ended my life. 

And i would end Yours.

The day i saw You, was the gears of fate finally working in my favour. 

Finally, my gift had arrived. 

You.