A NOT SO SUMMER SITUATIONSHIP

01

Alani Hiraya

I’m an absolute virgin. But for some reason, that socially constructed word subdues my unexperience human body. Each new morning…Life fucks me so hard, I can’t even dare to moan—I weep. At hindi ang buhay ang gusto kong makalasap kung anong langit ang kayang ibigay ng yaman ko. My life doesn’t deserve pitiful mourning. Yet, in every step, the pain does not only linger between my thighs… it crawls up into my heart, piercing through the hope I have.

Paalis na kaming Olongapo sa lagay na ‘to pero damang-dama ko pa rin ang bigat. Tila bang hindi sapat ang sponty trip namin para yakapin ang pagka-badtrip ko. I want a dopamine-like thing to take me away from these harsh existence of clouds inside my head. And I’m begging the pits of hell to let me find it somewhere in La Union.

“Sana po mabinyagan na si Ali mamaya! Lagi na lang siyang dry season. Kailan ka ba mababasa ‘te?!” Those were the words that flamed from Jeo’s mouth as soon as he was able to place my belongings inside our vehicle. There was a hint of a teasing tone as he cuts through my thoughts.

“Gago!” Mahina kong tinampal ang braso niya. I felt like my hand was stamped by thousands of needles when my skin brushed into his. “Not gonna happen.”

“Shush! We both know that you’re looking forward to it!”

I rolled my eyes at him as I hopped in the passenger seat. “Takot ako sa burat!” I whined, making them burst into chaotic laughter.

“Ulol! Matatakot lang pero kapag binigyan ng assurance, biglang tatapang!” Gatong ni Mayah. “Condom lang katapat niyan eh!”

I giggled. “Alam na alam ah?” A sly grin escaped from my lips. “I will only allow myself to experience sex with someone I dearly treasure,” I added.

That felt safer than the truth—that I wasn’t waiting or searching for anyone…I was running away from the past.

“Naghahangad ng true love si tanga, palpak nga dating life mo!” Jeo shook his head, giving me a disgusted look.

I heaved a heavy sigh. I allow myself to drown on the backrest. “I’m sorry? Kasalanan na yatang maging pure sa henerasyon na ‘to? Kantot muna bago magmahalan, gano’n ba?”

Mas lalo lang lumakas ang hiyawan nila sa likod. Maski si Ram na kakaupo pa lang sa driver’s seat ay ‘di na mapigilan ang pumuputok niyang tawa. Pasiring ko siyang pinadalahan ng tingin, bagay na ikinatikom ng bibig niya.

“Tanginang bunganga ‘yan. Ganda ng mukha! Very demure and classy ang galawan, balagbag naman magsalita,” Jeo blabbered.

“Iniinis niyo naman kasi. Nawawala tuloy pagka-nonchalant niya,” Ram replied.

Mayah tapped Jeo’s back, giving him a hint to sit beside her. “Sulitin niyo na. Mamaya ‘pag lasing na ‘yan, iyak niya na maririnig natin.”

“Ngayon na lang ‘yan pinayagan ni Tito, sapilitan pa. Kaya let’s make this Elyu trip memorable. Let’s go?” Untag ni Ram. Sumang-ayon sa kaniya ang lahat kasabay nito ang mabilis na pagkawala ng mga bahay at sasakyan sa mga mata namin. It wasn’t a bothersome for us. Ram has always been a reckless driver but we still entrust our lives to his hands.

“Sobra lang kitang mahal, ‘nak. Kaya ko nagawa ‘yon.”

That suddenly echoes, ranging inside my mind. Naliliyo akong tumanaw sa labas ng bintana. Kung hindi ba niya ginawa ‘yon, hindi ba ako matatakot mag-explore pa?

Why am I even reserving myself? Why do I have to be scared all the time? Hindi na bago sa ‘kin ang kumilala ng mga bagong mukha. The magic within knowing different perspectives and attempting to find a stable connection doesn’t shake me. But the more I get close to men, the more I fear being taken advantage of. Still, I wanted to prove that even without intimate interactions, I’m loved.