A BLACK WOMAN'S DIARY

Chapter one: I didn't sign up for this life.

"I often wonder If I'm seen, or hell if someone notices me at all. How do I feel so alone In a world full of almost eight-BILLION people? No matter if in a crowd, in a classroom, even in my own home... no matter where, I just feel so invisible. But, this isn't anything new. I've felt this way my whole life. My whole entire twenty-almostfucking-two years here on this planet. A planet where I feel like I don't even belong. Is it wrong to actually hate being here? It's not that I want to hate it; truly, I try so hard to look at anything that's positive about this world... no matter how many super hero movies they make, here on planet Earth, the bad seems to be taking over any good that's left here..."

"KALEESIE FALLEN!", the familiar voice of my mother blares from downstairs, "I'M HOME!" She continues which I knew she wanted me to stop whatever I was doing to greet her with a hug. That's kind of our thing; It always has been.

My mom and I are super close due to my dad being overseas in the military. And, you know how that story goes. It's just me, my mom and my older sister Naomi. And, let's just say, it's always been that way. No shade to my dad, I just wish we're able to see him more.

I close out of my online diary before heading down to my mom. She smiles at me, as she sees me reaching the bottom of the stairs. She extends her arms out as I walk towards her, she squeezes me, and I do her. I take a small swift of her scent, she always smells so good. She smells like sweet candied berries, like the one's in the shop that my family owns. It's the same sweet fragrance, but it never get's old.

"So honey," She says as we're letting go of each other's embrace. "Have you thought about going back to school this semester?" Just like that, my smile drops. I sigh, about to head back up stairs to my room. She always brings up school, why can't she understand that I don't want to go back? She knows my answer, but she still dares to ask.

"Kaleesie, sweetie, I know what happened last year was a lot on you. But, you can't let this ruin your future. There's other colleges out there..." Here we go.

I roll my eyes as she continues on with her motivational speech. I feel my body instantly moving towards the stairs. I'm just so tired of hearing this played out shit over, and over and over again.

"You don't have to go back to Clayton. Atlanta has so many options! Emory, Clark, Spelman. You can even go out of state to Cali with Naomi, we have you covered. Baby, you have so much potential in becoming such a successful young woman. A black one at that."

I pace myself backwards down the stairs. Taking a quick glance at my mom, I study her. I can tell how determined she is for me to get back into school. She's right, last year was a lot on me, but stepping into school gives me anxiety. Going anywhere gives me anxiety, actually. I have to learn how to face my fears, even when stepping into the unknown. Even when I don't want to face them at all. I really don't want to— At least that's what I've been told.

"Alright, fine, fine. I'll look into some, okay?" Her mouth widens with a huge smile, her big pearly white teeth almost blinds me. I can see the glee in her eyes as she hugs me again. "Thank goodness, God is so good!"

She lets go of me, taking a step back to look at me, "Trust your process, God didn't give you another chance to not chase your dreams. I know you're still in pain, and that's okay. I've been there, I've walked in your shoes time and time again..."

I'm trying to care. I'm really trying to fucking care. But, no! I'm so fucking numb, why doesn't she understand that?! Why doesn't anyone fucking understand that.

She knows I went through something traumatic, she knows how not okay I am. But still, she chooses to consistently push my healing. Does she not understand that it takes forever to heal, and not everyone deals with it the same? I hardly think she ever will.