I feel so alone. I had a baby 12/12/2022 and she is such a blessing I'm so thankful for her. I've fought my own body for years for her. My fiancé right at my side. Though it turns out he never wanted her in the first place. He says he changed his mind and loves her. I have no doubt he loves his daughter but I don't believe he loves her as much as the other 2 kids or as much as I do. You see besides the first week of her life I've been the only one to get up with her at night. He only has a couple feedings to himself during the day. She's almost 2 months old. I'm so tired. But it seems like everytime I ask for help he either sleeps through it or gets mad at me. I feel so alone in raising OUR child. He desperately wanted to move to my mom's together away from our situation, which was horrible so i understand. But I don't think he stopped to think the stress living with my mother would out me under. Its day 4 and I already want to leave. I don't feel like he's stopping to think about me with anything. My feelings, my needs, etc. Tired? That sucks he hasn't had proper sleep so I don't get help there. Overwhelmed? So is he. In pain? So is he. It just keeps on going. I can't talk to him because it's either "so am i" or " ugh I need a break" or his vibes just feel hostile when I ask for help. So I don't. Which in turn overwhelms me and makes me irritable. Which in turn makes him more snappy with me. So we fight all the time. I feel helpless and alone and I don't know what to do. I feel like everyone's forgotten I have feelings and needs to. Everyone else is tired? OK so I stay up and take on everything to try to help. But what about me? I'm tired to. When do I get the help. When do I get the break? My heart and chest hurt so bad. I domt know how to keep pushing much longer if I can't rest. The aggressive intrusive thoughts have started. I can't do anything without being snappybor overwhelmed anymore and it just makes me hate myself that much more. All my very little free time is spent arguing with my fiancee and my kids. And other then that I'm a slave. Cleaning. Cooking. Changing buts. Doing everything for everyone. I feel so fucking alone it physically hurts. My soul fucking hurts. How does one fix it when you feel alone and feel like yo can't express yourself because your inconvenience someone else because thwy get upset because they need their needs met as well. What do you do but sit and grasp for threads of the good moments like a fish gasps for water on dry land. Pure desperation. That's me. Desperate for every crumb of help I get. Every feeling of love I can find. But I'm been starving for so long the crumbs I find are barley containing me anymore. I grow more and more Desperate by the day. I no longer know how to function. You start to loose yourself the longer your hungry. I'm withering away. A shell of my former self.
