i also want to touch the sky.

4-5 minutes

"i want to touch the sky too" even with the context, sounded a bit vague. so i went to my friend, english major, and she said, "well, that is a bit difficult.. for your height." (laughing) i wouldn't matter, it doesn't matter, i said. because when you stand in front of all these people, the audience in front of you, speaking about something you're passionate about. promulgating your expertise, your philosophy, your consciousness about something: that alone is enough to make your presence bigger. and really, it doesn't have to be a physical setting. i can be sitting at home, writing a book, spreading awareness like i'm trying to do now. you can be sitting at home, reading, watching.

such was me when i was 15. it was 3pm on the clock and i was still in bed. i came across this video on youtube, and this lady called 'hester' and the term- we will come back to the lady. and the term 'adhd' attention deficit hyperactivity disorder as the video showed it's signs, symptoms, and why it can be missed in women.

i don't know why i clicked on it. i wasn't unfamiliar with the term. i had come across it in my physical education book and it said it can be recognised by hyperactivity, obviously, disruptiveness, disobedience, and naughty, naughty boys in pictures surrounding the little paragraph. it also said 12.9% of the boys were diagnosed with it, and 5.6% of girls. i had thought that was a big disparity, and that was that. i had been a pretty forgetful, lazy, disconnected child anyway.

but i did click on it, and that was the best thing i have ever done. that answered all my questions i had been asking myself for the longest time as i stared at the work i had the time and capability of doing- but didn't. as 3pm turned to 4, 5 and depression down the lane.

which brings us to one of the biggest reasons why it can be missed in women. many women are told they're having depression, stress and anxeity issues rather than them being a cause of an underlying disorder.

why is that? why do even professionals fail to diagnose women properly? the '12.9 and 5.6'- the figures we studied earlier, are women really affected less or have they been misdiagnosed throughout history?

the answer lies in the fact that adhd was thought to only affect boys for a long time. so all the research, the study on the signs and symptoms were based on male experiences and projection. and since we are genetically and societally divergent than men, adhd represents in females quite differently.

so, hester. the lady i mentioned before. she's married, and her husband also has adhd. but she says, while his journey took months, her struggle took years. it took kids, the pressure of them, a whole nervous breakdown to get a diagnosis, while her husband was never questioned, or doubted, that, "hey, that just sounds like depression. here, have some tablets." when asked by bbc why did her diagnosis take decades, she replied simply, "bluntly because i'm a female."

hester was not the only woman they interviewed. they spoke to twiggy, who cried happy tears when she got her diagnosis, and sheilagh, who got her diagnosis at 63.

bbc concluded the video with, "to all the women we spoke to, said the diagnosis have positively impacted their lives. for some, medication has helped. for others, all the needed were answers."

so really, it's much relieving to know that it was not your conscious will, to try self-sabotage yourself. without diagnosis, the incapability to do work brings the feeling of worthlessness which consumes you so much that it makes you more incapable of doing work, and the cycle is very viscous. but now, instead of berating myself for it, hating myself for it, i just kind of.. laugh when it happens. like, it didn't stop agatha christie, the famous crime thriller novelist. simone biles, the olympic gold medalist. emma watson- c'mon, everybody knows emma watson. for these people, the sky is the limit. so many women, or people, are touching the sky despite their neurodiversity. so why would i let, my adhd, limit me. i can touch the sky too.