Harvest of Love

Chapter 19

I wake the next morning to Clem roughly shoving me in the shoulder.

"What?" I grumble, keeping my eyes closed.

"You have company." That gets me to sit straight up tossing the covers off thinking it must be Rebecca.

"Where?" I ask, taking a glance around.

"At the door," Clem chuckles.

I head over and open it, and to my surprise, I see MaryBeth. She's wearing baggy sweats, no make-up, and her hair is in a messy ponytail.

"Uh, hi," I stammer dumbfounded by her unexpected visit.

"How are you feeling?" she hedges.

"Oh, fine, well better than I was last night anyway. I'm sorry for rushing out on you."

"Can we talk?" she asks softly.

"Sure . . . Do you wanna come in?" I offer and step to the side.

"I thought we could just go sit in my car if that's okay. I left it running, so it's nice and warm."

"Yeah, sounds good." I go to step outside.

"Umm, Mason? You might need to put on a shirt," she instructs sheepishly. In my rush, I didn't think about how I was only in pajama pants or how I must have terrible bed head. Instinctively, my hand goes to groom my hair, brushing it down and forward.

"Just give me a sec." I quickly grab the first shirt I find and put it on along with some shoes. We then go to MaryBeth's car. I realize it is still just mid-morning. The engagement party was planned to last late into the night, so I'm surprised, and now starting to be concerned, that MaryBeth would be out and about so soon, and to see me no less. The guilt of leaving her like I did last night sits heavily on my shoulders. "About last night, I . . . "

"Don't. It's okay. I know why you had to leave . . . and now why I have to let you go." She's looking down at her hands that are restless in her lap, picking at invisible lint on her clothes. It takes a second for her statement to fully sink in.

"You're breaking up with me?"

"I guess so, in a way. But honestly, Mason, you've never been fully mine to begin with."

Her words are cutting in their truth. I look out the windshield over toward Rebecca's house. I feel angry, but it's mostly at myself. "You're right," I answer. "And you deserve better than that, than me."

"We deserve better." She reaches out and places her hand on top of mine. I turn to look at her confused. She takes a deep breath and starts to explain.

"I had a good long conversation with my mom last night. My dad's not the only one who can give good advice." She gives a small smile. "I was so angry at you. Why couldn't you just let her go? I started then to wonder what I'd done wrong. How I could be better so you would love me like you obviously still do for her."

"MaryBeth, no, I . . ." She holds up a hand to stop me.

"Let me finish," she demands as her eyes become glossy with unshed tears. "I vented all this to my mother, who helped me to see the truth of the matter. This isn't it." She jesters between us with a hand. "You're not The One. True love shouldn't be like this. My mom said I should feel like a princess when I'm with you, cherished above all others . . . and I've never felt like that. I'm second runner-up."

I feel like scum. How horrible have I been? And the worst of it is, I did it all the while trying to be the perfect boyfriend for her. A wolf in sheep's clothing. Giving her everything I thought she wanted except for the one thing she needed, my heart. My self-loathing must have been evident because she continues with,

"Don't beat yourself up. I played a part, too. I let my selfish desires over rule common sense. I jumped at the chance to be with you when deep down I knew better. I might've been a fool, but I'm not an idiot. You were obviously still vulnerable from the break up with Rebecca, needing a distraction to help bury the hurt, but I went along willingly. My mother said something else, too, that I think you should hear. She said that there's two sides in a relationship, so if I should've felt like a princess, then you should have felt like a knight in shining armor. My love should be what builds you up, making you stronger, confident, and willing to risk it all for me. But, I don't think you ever felt that way when we were together, and you should, Mason. You deserve the fairy tale, too. It's just not with me, and that's okay." She looks out the windshield and continues, "God has my knight out there somewhere. I just haven't met him yet," she concludes with a sad smile.

"Come here," I say, opening an arm towards her for a hug. We embrace in a friendly way, and I rub her back as she sniffles and swipes at an errant tear or two.

"I'm sorry. I told myself I wasn't going to cry."

"You're so incredible, MaryBeth. One day you'll make some guy really happy. I'm sorry it can't be me."

She sits up to look at me face to face. "It wasn't all that bad, was it? We had some pretty good times that I recall."

I remember how we met in the stables, dancing at the barn dance like a fool for her, how I felt when I saw her at the A&W after Rebecca's rejection, and how perfect she looked with snowflakes glistening in her hair and eyelashes after our snowball fight.

"No, definitely more good than bad," I say with conviction. She nods her head in agreement. We become quiet for a moment, and it feels as if this is where I should say goodbye. I start to reach for the door handle and stop turning back towards her. "I want you to know that I do love you in my own way." She looks at me with tear filled eyes, smiles, then says softly,

"Thank you for that."

I nod once and make my exit.

When I enter the cabin, I smell the enticing aroma of freshly brewed coffee and make my way over to the pot on the stove.

"You okay?" Clem inquires. I finish pouring into my cup before I turn to say,

"How'd you know?"

"It was kind of inevitable, son. You went to MaryBeth for comfort, and she's looking for love."

I just nod in agreement. "I guess that settles it. It's time for me to move on. I've really enjoyed getting to know ya, Clem." I say sincerely.

"Now hold on a minute. Just because you don't have some 'filly' readily available doesn't mean you have to up and leave. Stay. Focus on the job for now," Clem urges. I'm touched that he cares enough to say so. I set my mug on the counter beside me.

"I can't, Clem."

"Well, why in tarnation not?" But even as he's finishing the sentence, I see the dawn of comprehension alight in his eyes.

"I'm sorry. I can't stay here. It would be torture even when she's not here physically. I'd always be anticipating her next visit, and for what? Hell, she'll probably be married the next time she's here," I say bitterly.

"You're a better man than I was at your age, that's for sure," Clem comments.

"Well, I have you to thank for that. Your story . . . your Ellie. I can't keep myself in a position that could lead me into temptation because I know I'm not strong enough, not when it comes to Rebecca. I guess I'll never get to learn how to love her God's way like you had hoped. I really was going to try to do it right." Clem walks over and places a hand on my shoulder.

"But you have, you ARE. Even after everything she's done, you still love her and hope or want the best for her. That is exactly how God loves each of us. He loves us so much that he waits, hoping we will choose Him and make a life with Him. His heart breaks when there is rejection, but even then hope and love remain . . . just like you have for Rebecca. If you have learned anything from me, I pray it's that. Put your trust in God, Mason. Let Him lead you, and all things will work for your good and His glory. Promise me this, that wherever you go, you'll attend a church, you know, make an informed decision?" he smirks.

"I will, but I want you to promise me that you'll tell Rebecca who you really are. She deserves to know, and you deserve to be at her wedding." After a moments hesitation, he nods in agreement.

"Christmas is only a day away. Why don't ya keep an old man company until after the holiday at least?"

"Sure, I can do that for a friend."