ALMOST IS NEVER ENOUGH

My first suitor

It's Saturday! Day off hihi. Kaya magsusulat tayo ng mga almost LOL 

Grade 8 - Grade 10 is a memory of Ryan.  During Grade 11, wherein, we're the first batch of Kto12 curriculum, I tried to study STEM. I transfered from our hometown school to other. Sadly, nag 3 weeks lang ako dun, kasi my so-called-BFFs and I had an argument, na pati pagaaral namin naapektuhan. You know what the reason is? Foam! Lol, so yun! After that incident, I have no choice but to go back sa dati kong school. I took General Academic Strands for I have no choice again kasi I had to fill the slots in that section. Edi gora ako, HAHAHA It went well. Kasi I love reading and writing kaya naging okay naman. Kasu yung isa sa nakaaway ko na so-called -BFF ko ee sumama sakin, tas classmate pa kami. Ako kasi yung girl na once nasira yung trust ko sayo mahirap ng ibalik. Tho papansinin parin kita pero hindi na gaya ng dati yung closeness. Grade 11 is a chaos. I don't know how I survived that year but I did it anyway. 

2016, I met this guy. His name was Josh. I don't remember kung pano ko sya naging crush pero at some point siguro kasi may personality sya na same kay Ryan - ang pagiging tahimik nun. Again, di pa rin ako makamove sa pagkawala ni Ryan kaya siguro I tried to find a crush para lang madivert attention ko at medyo makalimutan ko nang unti si Ryan. Silly me for thinking that way pero I needed to do it para makapagmove forward. My life is not all about finding a guy ahh, it just happened na this story is all about the guys who are my almost. My life is a mess to the point na having crush made it bearable. He was nice but he liked me kasi I liked him. Feeling ko nun napilitan lang sya na icrushback ako kasi alam nya na crush ko sya. Halos lahat ng first ko sakanya ko na experience. Yung pamassage sa kamay everytime na magkakasama kami, I'm not really a clingy person but whenever he holds my hand during that ligaw stage, it made me feel secured and it gave me comfort that at last I have some someone's hand to hold on to. Sa pagtulog nya sa lap ko during our retreat kasi our teacher that time allowed us to sleepover mix gender lol kasi he told us na he trust us kasi alam nya raw na hindi kami gagawa ng katarantaduhan kasi kami yung batch na talagang mga trustworthy and may active participations sa lahat ng activities. Sa pagbitbit ng mga dala ko nung time na di pa sya umaamin and inintay pa nya ako nun matapos sa gawain ko kasi ako yung naging punong abala sa role play entitled '' Strange Magic.'' Sa pagbigay ng pamunas nung nagpapractice kami ng role playing kasi ang init sobra and pawisan na kasi talaga ako nun, at sa paghatid hatid niya sa bahay and I remember na we walked from school to my house and went back again to school twice kasi gusto pa namin magkasama nun and magkwentuhan ng random things. He even went to my house on my birthday and had the chance to meet my Inay. Since I turned 18 naman na, I'm allowed to drink  an alcohol and naginuman kami nun with our friends then pinainom sya nang pinainom ng lola ko hanggang sa magpahatid na sya samin ni papa. Weird and funny things na never kong makalimutan. Everything is okay not until I messed up again.

At first, we're good. He made efforts and I appreciated it. He made me feel special and I found comfort in him. He even went to church with me and chose me over his friends' night out. I'm willing to take risk for him kasi I wouldn't say yes if I'm not diba?

During our role playing era, November 2018, after our practice, hinahatid hatid nya na ako sa bahay. walking distance lang naman from school hanggang sa bahay. It's somehow romantic, and then he confessed. I was so shocked and didn't believed him kasi nga it was my first time, entertaining a suitor, hanggang sa nakauwi ako,chinat ko sya asking if he's serious about it and he said he was. Halong kaba, excitement and overthink malala talaga kasi baka trippings lang. It went well. Really. Not until, he started lying, telling me excuses and ghosted me. I waited for weeks, months and parang ako na naghabol knowing na sya naman tong nanliligaw. Hanggang sa nakita ko nalang na nasa Laguna na sya and to my surprise, he posted on his fb na in a relationship na. I felt pathetic, and so I started fading away as well. Bounce na kasi may label sila, while us? complicated na nga, di pa clear ang intentions and hanging pa mga decisions. I tried not to think na it's my fault kasi I told him naman nun na naging crush ko sya kasi nga may personality sya na same kay Ryan. Maybe it hurts his ego. Pero may fault din sya. 

After months, and first year college na ako. Someone called me, unknown number. It was him. I know it's him. At first di ko sinagot. Kasu my so called bff told me to give it a try. Kaya ginawa ko naman. He said na babalik nya yung logbook ko na may mga letter ko for him nung crush ko palang sya. Kaya nakipagmeet sya sakin. Sinundo nya ako, at first, I feel the awkwardness. Kaya kinuha ko nalang yung logbook ko and iniwan ko sya pero sumunod sya at pinasakay nya ako sa motor kasi hahatid na raw nya ako. We talked about us being friends nalang. I insisted. Kasi ayokong magmukhang pathetic, lalong hinding hindi ako waiting shed kasi nabalitaan ko na di pala nagwork yung relationship nya sa Laguna. I was the one who ended it.

We agreed naman na friends nalang, pero I will never beg for his attention nor his feelings for me to come back kasi once na tinapos ko na, tapos na. Don't get me wrong, I gave him so many chances kasu hanggang dun lang talaga. I wish him well sa life naman nya after all he made me feel special and valued nung may something pa kami.

They said that first time will never be forgotten talaga. My first suitor, the first guy who tried to pursue me but then again mukhang SA UNA LANG TALAGA MAGALING LAHAT.  I started to think right now na the reason why it doesn't work out is because of our immaturity, our decision making that time was not firm enough to build what we wanted to build. All the good memories that we made is something we can look back on and we will laugh all our foolishness, hope so.