ALMOST IS NEVER ENOUGH

December Rush

The most awaited season of all time- Christmas! 

Is it just me?

That I wanted to experience something new. 

That I wanted something to happen. 

That I'm craving  for full of happenings. 

But it's funny how some things has changed quickly. That out of nowhere you've found yourself in a state in where you wished that maybe it stays the same. Na you suddenly regret all the changes and began to overthink and overanalyzing certain situations. 

December 17. 2022. I had my first kiss. I don't know why but  I just can't forget about it. I mean, why would I? If it'll add to my book of life. I don't know what's on his mind that dawn, I don't know why it has to be us? Doing it? Cringe as it seems but what's done is done. Silly me for gaslighting myself, that it's normal at my age kissing anyone without some sort of deep emotions? But why do I have to overthink that scenario? All over again and again and again. Why the hell, I became so distant and have this moments that I wanna know why it happened. The thoughts of experiencing something new got me feeling like woah lol. Many nights I dreamt about it. Well, pasok naman sya sa standards ko kaya I would've kiss him. Eventhough we're both tipsy. I wouldn't includes him to all my almost kasi it's never clear that we both have something. Maybe lust? Hayy nakadisappoint lang knowing na I wanna try it so bad yet I know what I deserve. Kaya here I am again, backing off. Kahit wala naman talaga in the first place. 

We remain friends, I guess. But I can feel the awkwardness between us whenever we're together. I stopped telling my friends about that scenario. I don't wanna misunderstood. I'm not an easy girl. However, I liked him. I attracted to him since day one. He's nice, a good dancer and somehow responsible. I saw how much he loves his son. And I admired him for that. But after we kissed, I overact and I wanted to know the reasons why it happened knowing that he keeps on telling me na "alam ko pangseryosohan hanap mo, pero hindi ko yun maibibigay" and then we kissed. Weirdo hahaha 

It's been 2 years? Almost 2 years, and sometimes I felt nothing, disappointed, I feel wronged. In a way na, hindi dapat nangyare yun. Yes, some people might think na it's really not a bigdeal but for me, it was and it is. I never waited my whole life for my first kiss to be wasted. Knowing na hindi naman marereciprocate kung anong infatuation ang nafeel ko towards him. Hindi worth it!  

Regardless, I've decided na never kong kakalimutan yung experience na yun. Somehow, it's nice to know that I have the guts doing it. Thankfully, hanggang dun lang. Hindi naman talaga nasayang kasi part sya ng pwede kong ikwento sa future kids or apo ko. It's just that, I was shocked kasi I never really thought na ganun yung mangyayare.

Truly, life is unpredictable. You don't have the right to control everything around you but you do have control with yourself. That's power! Just always reminding myself that you deserve what you tolerate. So, be careful!