Walking Home

The Parting

I was acutely aware that the distance between us has narrowed. It was as though the rain had dissolved the distance between us, and washed away the awkwardness.

When she stepped into the umbrella on my right, her right hand held onto my right arm which was carrying the fish soup. She wrapped her left arm around my waist and leaned into me. I was taken aback by her closeness, but more so by the coolness of her skin and her short statute as she was easily half a head shorter than me. Being cold and lost, she must have been afraid. Yet, she has now entrusted herself to me almost completely. It takes strength to show your weakness and vulnerability to others.

As we begin walking in the rain, her frailty was more pronounced. I had thought that her stops in our walk were due to her hesitation in following a stranger's direction. I quickly realised it was because she was weak and tired.

As she started to lean more into me for support, I almost fell off balance. I felt her clinging onto me like a child looking for comfort. We ended up shuffling along slowly as I tried to keep my balance while not scalding her thighs with my fish soup.

I asked her softly, "Are you staying by yourself? Is there anyone at home?" To which, she replied, "I am staying alone. My two sons have their own families and houses." We fell silent. I could sense the struggle within her. On one hand, she was worried if this could happen again to her, and she could not find her way home. On the other hand, she did not want to disrupt their lives and wanted to protect her dignity.

Our final stretch home was mostly uneventful, interjected with her repeatedly saying, "Child/Doll, your papa must be waiting for you. You are such a good kid. I am sorry for making you walk with me." (It did not hit me until we parted ways later that her terms grew more affectionate as though she has taken me under her wings. From calling me an "aunty" to a "miss" and to a child.)

When we reached Block 121, the block adjacent to her block, she was adamant that she can continue her way home by herself. When she walked off into the distance, her stance has changed. Her back has straightened. With her hands behind her back, she walked with confidence towards her destination. She has regained her dignity and her will. I could not deprive her of her regained confidence in finding her way home by herself. For every few steps she took, she turned around and hurried me home.

I hid behind a pillar to watch her as she marched off into the distance. I dare not think I will truly know her thoughts and emotions during this walk. It was as though she was forced to come to terms with her aging journey filled with a fading memory and a frail body.

It was an emotional walk for me since I have just met my grandmother a few days ago. It has been three years since we have celebrated lunar new year together due to the Covid restrictions which have eased off. The cruelty of time spared no mercy on her as her body grew frail and her forgetfulness became more common.

Perhaps, at some point in our lives, we will walk this same path as this ah-ma who I met. We could be walking this path with our grandparents, parents, our partners and even with ourselves. Is it with kindness, gentleness and acceptance that we treat ourselves and them when the time comes?