A Collection of My Fics and AUs for Outside

A Long Awaited Apology (NewGen Fic)

Note: this fic takes place when Garett is 18, and thus occurs when Kyan and Nox are in their mid 40's. Therefore, this fic is considered a part of the NewGen era, and not the era that Outside or other offshoot fics in this story folder are part of, unless they are also marked as "NewGen era" fics.

TW: brief, vague mentions of ab*se

"Hey bud, your nose is all red, you feeling ok?" Kyan asks, approaching his son, who's staring blankly out the kitchen window with an absent expression as if he was watching a rock out there, waiting for it to move.

"I'm fine."

[He's not. He looks pale, and he only gets spaced out like this when he's about to come down with something. Unless he's just tired. Maybe he's just tired...] Kyan thinks to himself, debating if he should press him further. "You know, it is cold and flu season. Do you think you might have caught–"

"What's the point of even asking me that, dad?" Garett responds without an ounce of vocal inflection.

"What's that supposed to mean? Listen, I have some work stuff I've gotta finish up, but do you want me to call Nox? I think she gets off work in a half hour. If you're feeling–"

"Of course you have work stuff. You work from home and yet you always conveniently have work stuff in times like this." He mumbles.

"What?"

"Whatever, I'm just gonna finish making my tea and go upstairs." Garett interrupts, moving to the stove. He grabs the kettle, pouring the water into his mug.

"The stove isn't on, Garett. It hasn't been all morning. You aren't sick, are you?"

"Don't act like you care."

"What's gotten into you?" Kyan asks, trying to stay calm. "I'm just trying to be a good dad here."

"A good dad? A good dad. Your little "are you ok"'s and all the other verbal bullcrap mean nothing, dad. Wanna know why? Because you've never actually cared about me, right? I'm right, aren't I?" He turns on the stovetop, fire flicking up around the kettle and snipping his hand. "Frick!"

"Garett, that's not true." Kyan carefully steps towards him. "And turn the fire down, I don't want you getting–"

"It's not true? How the hell is it not?! You've never taken care of me when I'm sick. You always just pass the chore off to mom like being my dad is the biggest mental strain ever! You're only busy when it comes to me, never Ilyana or mom and you... you barely even look at me sometimes! And when you do you... you look at me like I'm some disgusting burden you're stuck with raising! And I'm weak because of you! So good dad? You wanna be a good dad? Be a different person." Garett shouts, fists balled and shaking. "I'm so sick of you pretending you care until I need you and then treating me like the biggest mistake you ever made!"

"Son, I..." Kyan mutters, his voice trembling as his eyes water. "I don't..."

"I don't care what you have to say. Words mean nothing if you never do anything."

"I'm sorry."

"Whatever."

"No, kid, I'm... I'm so sorry." Kyan sobs. "Frick, I'm just like Helen... aren't I?" He mumbles through tears. "G-Garett, I never wanted to make you feel neglected or uncared for... I..."

"Then why the hell have you been neglecting me for my entire life?!" Garett yells.

"Because I don't know what a good dad is supposed to be like!!" Kyan shouts back, jaw trembling. "You grew up with a mom and dad who love you so much but I didn't! I grew up with just my mom! And she didn't just neglect me, kid, I was abused. Physically, mentally, emotionally, all of it!! Having it drilled into me time and time again that I'm unworthy of love and care and all that is good in this world because of an illness she gave me. And not from genetics, but because she couldn't curb her drug addiction while pregnant with me. So Garett, listen to me. I don't want to be a bad father. My greatest fear in having kids was to end up a terrible parent like the one I had. But my second biggest fear was passing on my health issues and making my own kid suffer because of me! So yeah, I struggle to take care of you when you're sick!! I admit it!!! But it's because not a time goes by where you're feeling weak that I don't feel a crushing, insurmountable amount of guilt. So much freaking guilt that it's hard for me to be the dad I need to be. That I should be."

"Dad..."

"It's not that I don't care about you, Garett. I care so much, that's the problem. I never wanted to make you feel neglected. I just... I don't know how to deal with the feeling that every problem you have is because of me and there's nothing I can do about it."

"But there is something you can do about it. Just... be my dad. Be there when I need you. You more than anyone know how to help me because... while I don't have CVS I did inherit your crappy as hell immune system and... because it's from you you'd know how to help me." Garett's own eyes start watering, watching his dad sob in front of him.  

"I told Nox..." Kyan sniffs, tears still pouring down his face, "that if CVS could be passed down paternally I would never have kids." He admits. "But it can't be, and I ended up with two amazing children. And I couldn't be more grateful that I took that risk. But... I've never been able to shake the feeling that you hate me for taking it."

"What?! Dad, no." Garett wipes his eyes. "I'm glad you took that risk. I like my life. I've found things I'm really passionate about. So what if I catch a cold here and there.  I feel fine most of time. I have friends and people who care about me. I'm not... questioning whether or not I want to be alive, or whether or not you should have had me. I don't hate you for making the decision you did either." He takes a shaky breath. "I just sometimes hate you for not accepting that I'm weak sometimes, and loving me regardless. Despite me being your second greatest fear actualized or whatever."

"You're right." Kyan says, his voice quiet. "And I'm sorry. You should never feel like I don't love you because of problems I gave you.  The fact that that's how you've felt all this time... I... I really screwed up. I'm so sorry... I'm... I don't even know what to say."

"Yeah, you screwed up, but grandma Helen screwed you up I guess. I didn't know she was that bad. You never talk about her."

"I don't talk about her because of how bad she was. It's a difficult topic to talk about with your kid, especially when you're trying to seem... I don't know... stronger than you are."

"I get that, and I guess at the end of the day, yeah it sucks to feel like crap sometimes and all that, but I know what I deal with is just like... a fraction of what you go through, so... I just... I don't want to hate you, dad." Garett tells him. "All I want is a dad I can... I don't know... rely on a little more."

"I can do that." Kyan puts his hand on his son's shoulder. "I'm going to do the best I can, ok? And that's not just empty words. I mean it. I'm going to do everything I can to be a good father to you from here on out, Garett. Ok?"

"Thanks..."

Kyan pulls him into a hug, and Garett holds onto the back of his shirt in tight fists, burying his face into his father's shoulder.

"I woke up feeling really fatigued and lightheaded and I don't know what to do." Garett mumbles into Kyan's shirt. "I have skating practice later and Maya's gonna kill me if I miss it. She... she gets so mean when I skip, no matter the reason. But if I am coming down with something and I do go then I'll just get worse. That's... the answer to your "are you ok" question.  From before I flipped out and everything."

"Okay, hey, that's ok. Lightheaded and fatigued? How about this? We check for a fever, and if you've got one, then I'll call your coach for you and tell him you'll be out—he can deal with your partner—but if you're good or not, how about I make you an electrolyte drink, and I mean the powerful stuff I get for my dysautonomia. If you're lightheaded hopefully that'll hopefully get your blood pressure up a bit. And if you want, I can finish making your green tea with actual hot water while you lay on the couch and rest. Sound ok?"

Garett holds onto him a little tighter, crying again.

"Hey, what's making you cry now?" Kyan feels his forehead with his hand. "Oh, kid, you're burning up. No wonder you felt grouchy enough to vent your feelings to me."

"No, I... I'm really happy." He tells him. "It's so stupid but this is what I've been needing all this time, dad."

"If that's the case, let's start from scratch, ok? Forget the past, from here on out, I'm going to be a good dad, ok? Guilt and anxiety won't stop me. I won't let it anymore."

"Thank you..." he sniffs.

"Now go lay down, okay? Relax, I've got ya, son."