I'm Here

Chapter Nineteen: Relax

Last night was really rough for me, I woke up at least a dozen times from nightmares, James wasn't there to comfort me because we're sleeping in separate rooms. I've cried for hours while the flashbacks kept coming and slapping me hard in the face..

*Flashback*

Jess is screaming in the corner as my dad bashes her phone with a bat, "You want a piece of me!" he then turns towards her, "I need to teach you some respect." He starts to hit her with the bat, her screams are muffled by her gurgling blood, I'm stuck in place, I can't move, I can't stop this. My dad starts to unbutton his pants, he takes his hand and starts to rub his fingers against her arm, "Let me show you what real pain is baby girl." Jess looks at him with petrified eyes, this is my chance, "he starts to pull down her pants as she tries to kick him off her, I open the drawer that Jess told me was forbidden. He pins Jess to the ground and smiles sickly at her forcing his lips on hers, Jess is gagging and crying, looking around for a way out. He chuckles, "You are mine now sweetheart, my little toy." Jess gags on her own words looking at me shaking her head 'no' but I couldn't take it, she's not his toy, I am something , I'm better than him. Just when he is about to touch her again 'Bang' my ears ring, I can hear Jess screaming and when my vision clears up, I see my dad's brains splattered on the wall, His body pressed up against Jess's.

*present*
I was wrong we are his toys, I did what he wanted so that now he can haunt us in every way possible, am I something? I'm what he made me out to be, a monster, and worse of all I will never be better than him, after all I killed my own father.

I vomit in the toilet just thinking about what he used to do to Jess, she never let him touch me, she always told him to take it out on her. Now that I'm older I can't possibly understand why the hell she would do that. Just as I begin to think I've calmed down, my body begins to shake, I gasp for air, I can't breathe. I can feel my heartbeat in my ears, blood rushing to my head, I keep gasping and gasping but nothing is working. My vision is hazy, I try to scream for help but I can't even open my mouth, tears sting through my eye lids pouring down my cheeks. I can't do this, I need to end this.

*Self-harm*

I muster enough strength to reach over and grab a razor, I break off the tip and start slicing, my breathing slows down and I sob as I realize what I've just done. Two years down the drain, all that hard work for nothing, would James still want me after he sees how bad of shape I'm in? My mom's going to be so disappointed in me, and I can't put Jess through this again. I feel my breathing pick up again. "Steph!" James face is blurred by all the tears in my eyes. He hates me I already know it, "I'm sorry" I mutter over and over again sobbing into his shoulder, "Steph, It's okay let it out."

I sit there for over an hour just staying in his arms, he doesn't say anything. I turn to look up at him, " I understand if your ma-" James interrupt me, "Don't even think for a second I'm mad at you, I understand I've been there." he kisses me softly before he speaks up again, "Your exhausted just relax." I lean back into his shoulder and drift off to a peaceful sleep.