The Way I Hate To Love You

It's when he says 'goodnight', but you know you aren't sleeping any time soon.

It's when he says 'I think I really like her,' that you have to put on the sad smile.

It's when he says, 'I can't believe she broke my heart,' that the sadness actually hits.

It's an odd thing, really. Because he's the one who just got his heart broken, but you're sad. His heart just ripped out of his chest, but you feel empty. It's when he asks you why he can't be loved that you find it to be the least bearable. It's the least bearable because you see his pain and you feel it.

Because he asks why no one cares, but you care so much. And he asks you why he's never good enough for anyone, but he's everything you want. And he asks you why no one ever stays for him, but you would wait an eternity. And it's when he asks you why he cannot be loved, that your own heart is ripped out because you realize that you love him.

You realize that you love him in a way that extends friendship. You realize that you would do anything for him and that you would put him before yourself. You realize that what he wants is more important than what you want. It's all so scary at that moment, because as soon as you realize that you're in love, the world changes.

It doesn't change the way you'd think. It's supposed to enlighten you; it's supposed to make the world seem so much more bearable because you've found love and love cures all, but it doesn't. It makes the world worse. The world is worse and darker and sadder because though you've found love, he hasn't. He's still looking for a girl who can fulfill his dreams, and he's looking for a girl who can be everything your heart aches for, because you aren't that girl.

You aren't the girl he's looking for to hold his hand, or to kiss his cheek, or to call at 3 AM in the morning because tonight is a bad night that he can't take on alone. You aren't the girl he's looking for. And you know that, so it feels like your chest caves in. I swear it, that's the worst part.

Your chest feels empty, and you can't breathe because what's there to hold the air if your chest is empty? You don't bother trying to move the rest of your body, it's no use. Your limbs are numb from the lack of air and just the thought of moving an inch is exhausting. Your hands are shaking because the person who is supposed to complete you is looking for someone else to complete them, and it isn't you. You don't want to eat, there's no appetite.

And the night you realize this, it just gets worse. Your sleep is restless because it fills your dreams. The next day is even more awful because you've slept on it and its set into your mind. And the nights get progressively worse, because he finds a new girl one day, and it's not you again and you're reminded and it's as if it all comes back sevenfold. The absence in your chest begins to eat past your chest and soon you just feel hollow, like you've put all that you have into him, but it was never good enough, so it never replenished.

Then you're just empty.