When will I deserve to be yours?

Phony

A/N: Mentions at a possible forced suicide in a nightmare but is not very detailed nor covered for long. Best if ready alongside Will Stetson's cover of Phony :)

Rain, it was pouring outside, dulling the world. The soft pitter patter drowned out everything else, it was all I could focus on. The flowers were wilting, stuck in their cycle of regularity. It would be easy to replace them with lifeless fakes, nobody would be able to tell the difference. Life is full of lies, isn't it? That must be why I feel this way, a twisted path my mind took to torture me.

The bell rang, the school day was over, I looked over and all I could see was him. The simple bastard scribbling away in his notebook. I scoffed as I got up, the huddle of shallow admirers following. He was still none the wiser. My obsession with him felt stupid. I put us here, I was the one that caused this.

I walked toward the shoe lockers, changing into my outdoor shoes and grabbing my umbrella. My so-called friends were talking amongst each other and I saw it as an opportunity to escape. I deployed my umbrella, it was fairly useless against rain but it was better than nothing.

He was there too, without an umbrella, slowly dampening due to the steady rainfall. I scoffed, what an idiot, did he not know what the weather was going to be? I closed my umbrella, shoving it into his backpack. I stopped, watching him as he walked away, hoping he didn't notice me.

The rain was quick to dampen my clothes, if I wasn't so prideful maybe I could've given it to him normally. I don't know why I insisted on widening the distance between our already ruined friendship. It didn't stop the way my heart skipped a beat when I saw him, constricting my chest. My body now dampened with nothing but pain, unescapable pain, my bangs clinging to my head like my heart clenched into the moment. He didn't even notice me, and yet, all this trouble I face is because of him.

⌧

Before I knew it there I was, standing at the gates of UA. He was there too, I wasn't sure how. He acted like his being there was his divine right. Maybe it was, it's not like he didn't earn this. Fuck, here I was, admiring the bastard. My heart was pounding again, in the idiotic way it pretends to be alive, and yet I'm stuck. I'm awestruck by the determined asshole I was convinced to have ruined my life. Just walk by him, shove these feelings away, shove that word away.

Somehow he was there, in my class. I tried to ignore his obvious presence, I tried to ignore teh way everyone gathered around him in awe. I tried to ignore how I was in awe. Glancing at my dim phone screen I realized how pathetic I really looked. Letting out a gruff sigh, all I've lost in my life is suddenly painfully highlighted. I was supposed to be the best, how was I supposed to do that with him here? How am I supposed to escape being the shadow of the man I'm supposed to be?

So we fought. My flames, his self destructive nature. It all clashed because of my need to prove something, but I wasn't quite sure who I was trying to prove it to. I neared him in an attempt to corner him, letting the sweat in my palms ignite, papapparapappararappappa, I knew if I really wanted to, I could burn him. I knew there were scars littering his body, all put there by yours truly. With our relationship, it's always been like a game, riddles swarming about as we carefully form our next moves. He knew me too well, he's always known me the best. Those notebooks just made it easier.

Why did I choose this for us? I chose to listen to them, to regard the boy I've always cared for the most as useless. I forced him to carefully dance around me so he wouldn't get hurt. However, I didn't have much time to ponder on my internal crisis, he was always at least 12 steps ahead of me anyway. His mind began to unravel the situation, to unravel me, you could see him thinking, his nose always twitched when he got an idea. He gathered his strength, powering up his quirk, tatattaratattararattatta. In hindsight it was obvious his quirk was new to him, but there's only so much you can do with hindsight.

Laying awake in my bed, I though of how we were nearing the end, and he just keeps fucking improving. That asshole continues to steal my tactics and make them his own. What am I supposed to be if he's better than me? Begrudgingly I closed my eyes at the thought, it wasn't fair how he was allowed to live in my mind 24/7.

I called out his name into the darkness, I wasn't sure where I was.

"Kacchan, don't...please," a small hand shielded his face from mine, far too small to be him, and yet he looked just like him.

I took a moment, examining his clothes, why was the bastard in his middle school uniform? Why was he hiding from me? Oh. I knew why. He was hiding himself in the corner of the rooftop. I looked on either side of me, seeing the extras I falsely named my friends.

"You know, you should really do us a favour, and jump off," I snarled, but it wasn't me, I couldn't control what I was saying. "We'll even watch~," I said, wishing I could just cover my idiotic mouth, but my arms wouldn't move. I wasn't in control.

The idiots that once swarmed me were now picking him up, he was so thin and frail, how had I allowed this to happen? They took him to the edge.

I woke up, shaken by the hands of the cold night's breeze, blowing through my cracked window. The love for me he once had when we were kids was stirring like that dream that invaded my head. It's leaving the memory of it. My chest was tight, I think I was crying, the idea of weeping without so much as a goodbye was selfish. Even if it were fake, I didn't deserve the right to mourn him.

I went on a run, but it didn't help to clear my mind. I passed the old playground, it was as though I could still see the ghosts of our younger selves playing together. Phony. Then the forest we used to explore together, usually just us, we'd pretend were the strongest heroes working together. Phony. I stopped, I saw a figure by the water. Carefully I slowed my run to a tip-toe, examining the figure. It was him, and yet I didn't deserve the right to see him. Phony. So I simply walked away. I had tangled myself in all the falsehoods I spoke without a second thought, I'm just a fake, a phony.

⌧

Before I knew it we were here, the sky was so very blue, a beautiful day, it compared to his beauty, and yet he was more beautiful than the sky could ever hope to be. I wouldn't let the insecurities get to me, I thought we've improved, why is my head still screaming at me. The one truly missing inside is me. Hiding behind a front that's all I've ever done, he was never the pathetic one, it was I all along. An empty shell of where a person should be. I was simply a fake, everything within me screamed at me. I didn't deserve him or his love. There's a fake hiding the truth they can't find.

Why do people crave for this love that's only ever caused me pain. I train to distract myself but he's always in my thoughts, they're made up entirely of him. I've been left alone completely, he's moved on.

Yet that doesn't stop us. Fighting once again why wouldn't he just tell me the truth. It was tearing me up inside. It was fucking obvious he got his stupid fucking quirk from All Might. Why didn't he tell anyone? Why didn't he tell me? I can't help it as my quirk reacts to him firing up in my palm, papparapappararappappa. His quirk reacts to me too, in some way it's endearing. He looks so much more experienced now since we first fought. His quirk light's his body up in a pale green lightning, tatattaratattararattatta. Why then does it hurt so much that we're here again?

I can't change this, I can't change the way he strikes pain into my heart with a simple glance. I can't escape the darkness of this infinite rain. Tears run down my face as I scream, it's not directed toward him, I hope he knows, I think deep down he does. I'm just a phony, pretending to be someone I'm not. Yet, he's always been himself. I'm still tangled in my web of my own lies as he walks away.

I can't see him as he walks away in the cloud of debris. What am I supposed to be? Can you tell me? What can I become to be the man you love? I'd do anything. I sigh, mumbling out a delicate "I love you, Deku"

Just like flowers that deceive, they keep this secret, fake, phony.