2/3/23
We don't know each other. We just met. Yet we shared something so intimate. In the moment the nakedness of our bodies. we thought it was right within those heated or warm moments. but afterward, maybe even throughout, the feeling of despair, shame, and guilt filled our bodies. Not knowing why but clearly, we did. The night before when we shared our lips, it was filled with laughter, curiosity, and a taste of intimacy. Yet the next day when our bodies were intertwined with each other. Deep down we knew that feeling of shame began to sprout within us. I may not know how you feel but the cathartic feeling you may feel, I too, have felt that way. Those words that utter from your lips I so enjoyed kissing the night before filled my head, yet have never left. the words or phrase "let's just be friends". I cannot hide the truth. Those words cut deeper into the wound that began to heal, but don't worry it wasn't you who hurt me but others before you. Those words reminded me of those who harmed me. Those who didn't know nor care for how I felt within the moments after we were intertwined. Those eyes of yours, the ones I so deeply enjoyed looking into the night before. Filled my mind with curiosity to see from your perspective, to see from your world. Yet when you said those words, I was afraid to look into them for the shame and guilt would fill my eyes and tears would roll down as if they knew what to do. As if they prepared for this moment to come. I didn't expect it to be so soon. but My vulnerability was something I wanted to hide from you. For you did not deserve to see such vulnerability. Yet when you kept asking if I was okay, this fire or anger filled within in me, for I was not used to such respect or worry from the boys before you. The word "regret" is something that shocked the world I let you in. Sadly, that word, the word "regret" now fills and lives in my brain, and the sorrow I see from you as you looked at me not wanting to leave until I said it was okay. I didn't want you near me or within the walls, I created for myself. The walls made me feel at peace, I had allowed myself to show you who I was or who I am. But I cannot simply blame you for how you feel or how you made me feel. For we thought we were ready. Ready to intertwine two worlds within one yet no intimacy was truly there. It was us or maybe I longed for such intimacy. for I wanted it from you, yet you did not want it from me. I felt as if I took something from you because I did. Not necessarily taken but the shame makes me feel as if I took something but given at the moment you thought was right. A gift as I was told, but why does this gift feel as if it's a burden? for the gift you gave me, I did not expect my world to look at this unknown object as I feared something so great was broken. For I worried and continue to worry for you. to hear your voice, to see your text, to touch your hands. to know if you are okay. From the beginning of dawn and the beginning of Twight-light, your presence lies within the walls of my world. Your presence is so powerful, for I cannot ignore it.
