Matter of Harmony || Oneus Seoho

That Time of the Year (7)

Yuri's PoV

It took me the better half of a year to start forgiving myself for Jinyoung's death after my mother confessed to starting the rumors in cold blood. I lived in Seoho's small rundown apartment and started working as a waiter at the Stag. His girlfriend at the time didn't take well to me living with him. I took many more part-time jobs to keep my mind away from what-ifs, as much as to earn enough to get out of Seoho's business and go to university. Even as I kept myself incredibly busy I couldn't stop the tears when they came. Mr. Shin would shake his head disapprovingly as I moped the floors moping.

What if I hadn't gotten so close to him, what if we had just stayed friends, what if I tried to hold onto him more strongly when he pulled himself away? What if I didn't keep our relationship a secret, would my mother be less cynical then, would she not have investigated his past if I introduced him to her? Would he be here if I could have told him one more time that I loved him no matter what?

I wouldn't be so angry at her if she'd shown the smallest bit of regret. If her voice wavered just a little when she said those horrible things. "There is nothing I'd do differently if I had another chance. A lady does what needs to be done. I won't apologize for protecting you from that murderer's son." I had slapped her then. After all those years—listening to her berate me, holding back. Holding my tears and biting my tongue as she slapped my wrists, made me write apology letters, the million other ways she punished me. I finally dared stand up to her. Her ugly cruelty was too much for me not to.

In time the bleeding wounds closed but the scars sting every so often. The ache is the strongest this time of the year. Seoho keeps in step with me as we walk through the graveyard in silence. He holds a bouquet of flowers in one hand and reaches to take one of my hands in the other. I feel grateful to have him with me. He has always been there for me in the darkest days. When we arrive at Jinyoung's resting place he gives my hand an encouraging squeeze. I take the flowers and crouch down to lay it on the white marble.

He was so precious to me. My first love... He was a lifeline when I was surrounded by sharks. All anyone cared about in the high school I went to was how important your parents were. You didn't have friendships, you had alliances. People who'd smile to your face and plot behind your back, start the most baseless rumors to take you down when you weren't looking. People that would tell you they'd die for you but that would kick you down to make the fall quicker if you ever stumbled. He was different.

He didn't know who my parents were, and when I tried to become friends with him he pushed me away. The sharks would never have done so, some would jump at any opportunity to become my 'friend' and some would be afraid to refuse anything I asked for.

Jinyoung stayed away from everyone, until I dragged him to study with me and Seoho one day. I loved the way he talked cautiously as if every word had a weight, I loved the way he didn't talk, the silence stretching between us like a warm blanket, stealing small glances and diverting his eyes quickly when he found me watching.

The first time I saw his smile made me think there was no better feeling in the world—that I should dedicate my life to making him smile. He was good at whatever he tried. Seoho would get annoyed that he could solve a math problem he had been working on for an hour in a few minutes.

A lot of times he just didn't try. He could but he didn't. Now in retrospect, I see it was because of the deep depression he carried over his shoulders. He didn't try because everything was meaningless. Because life was a suffocating ocean to him, an ocean of suffering. He was a lifeline indeed, flowing freely with the currents and the wind. I only saw that he saved me from the sharks when he saw it as dragging me into the weathering storms he had to deal with...

I knew he was adopted and didn't have a good family life, he had confessed that much as we had gotten closer. But he never talked about his life before being adopted or what had happened to his biological parents. Or why he transferred from his old school. It was ok with me, I didn't have to know. He could tell me about it when he was ready.

Seoho wipes the tears staining my cheeks. "Come on," he says smiling bitterly "What would he think, your grown-ass still crying like this? I bet it's boring to see the same thing every year. Your ugly crying face! Show him a smile, I bet he missed it."

Despite myself I do, I smile as I pick at the weed that grew over his bed "Good girl," he whispers and adds "He had a good heart. It took me a while to notice but you saw it right away. I miss him as well." I point at his red face "Hey! You're one to tell me not to cry! Besides, I bet my crying face is a hundred times better than that abomination." He bats at my hands as I poke his face trying to make him cry. Whatever would I do if I didn't have him?

...

Seoho's PoV

It's a beautiful day. It's not fair. Not fair that the weather is nice, not fair that he choose this time of the year to go, not fair what the world made him go through. Yuri sits to my right, both of our feet dangling at the edge of the clearing. Away from the city but still near as we watch from this height. We used to come here together, the three of us, this is where she asked him out. Where I found her countless times after he was gone. Where we started this weird tradition of sitting side by side eating ice cream on his anniversary. Yelling our frustrations to the wind.

I watch the wind whip Yuri's hair, her eyelashes leave a small shadow on her cheeks and the afternoon sun shines in her eyes, my heart skips a beat despite all odds. I've been through this. I've killed those feelings. She's too important. It's impossible... it should be impossible. But I find my hand reaching to tilt her face towards me.

In high school I used to bet against small things— I'll pick her up late after school, if she doesn't wait I'll let my feelings go, if she gives the smaller piece of the chocolate to me I'll stop, if she smiles at me that way another time I'll hold her hand, if she doesn't move away I'll confess.

If she doesn't move away I'll kiss her. I pull my hand away as if her skin burned me. Those feelings should be long dead. It's too dangerous. She's too important and I don't nearly deserve her friendship let alone anything else. "What happened?" she asks, unaware, "I thought you had something on your chin." I lie and shuffle to my feet. "Let's go if you're done."