Do you think they get it?
Do you think my parents get that I failed my composition class, the class I was so excited to take as a writer, because I took an F on the final paper because I couldn't bring myself to sit in front of the class and read it out loud because just the thought shook me to the bone? Do you think my friends get why I cry silently every time I hear about a presentation that will have to be done, even if it's months away because I have to dread it and think about it the whole time? Why, even though a teacher lets my group preform our skit before school with just him in the room, my voice still shakes with fear because there is that one kid in the back finishing a test? Just the thought that he's snickering at me and could tell his friends later about how stupid I looked. Or that just the thought of going to school or anywhere really makes me so sick to my stomach I want to puke because I know I'll fuck something up and everyone will see it.
I don't think any of them get it. All they say is "What was there to be afraid of?Get over it." So I say, "Nothing, forget it."Or "You're right, it was a stupid thing." Or "I was just really nervous." because that's just so much easier than trying to explain the truth to them.
Do you think they get it?
Do you think anyone gets why sometimes I over sleep so much that I have five minutes to get to school before the final bell. Sometimes I do wake up on time, but I just can't get my body to move. Or why sometimes, when I want to play video games with my best friend, I can't even find motivation to turn the console on. The power button is literally two feet away, I just have to lean forward and push it, but that small effort feels like climbing Mt. Everest. Or that it only makes me more sad when they get angry at me for being sad because I have to be the happy one for them to hang with.
They don't, so I just stay quiet about it. I say I'm tired or I'm just lost in thought. They would never understand because I'm supposed to be the happy, smiling friend. The friend everyone goes to so they can feel better.
No one gets it. So I stay quiet, I smile. I pretend everything is okay just hoping that one day it will be.
