Midnight Dreams

War in my Head

    When Ezra and I where apart for a while, I kept going back and fourth between scenarios in my head. If he was here and I was still in love with him, what would things look like now? But this is when we where broken up.
   He was halfway across the world fighting another front than I was. When mother started the meeting of the senators, I dozed off. In my head, a scenario played out. Ezra came back, and I was angered by it. Father and I where walking the hallway. I had no idea he was even there when this scenario takes place. I kept hearing mothers voice in the background to tell me it's just a scenario.  But this felt too real. I had to stop it. I didn't want to know what I would feel. Theirs no reason for me to hate him. He ended things to fight that war. He had to.
    Mother got my attention again. "Rainy.... Rainy!" "What?!" I said. I didn't remember what she asked. "You're going with father on a sensitive mission. No communication. Just you, Rex and Father. Alright?" "Any more details than that?" "Not now. Meeting adjourned." Mother hit the gabble on the podium. Mother walked with me. My blue hair swayed with me as I walked. "What's up with you? Are you okay?" "It's just.... I can't stop thinking about Ezra. I know I should be over him. I just can't stop thinking about him. What if he doesn't come back from that mission?" "Honey, we can't obsess over things that we don't have control over. Alright?" Mother asked me. "Fine." We walked to her office. Father was waiting for me. "You ready?" "I still need more information." "Leave you're comm links here. We won't be needing those." "Alright. Why?" "This mission is very sensitive Rainy. We can't risk the enemy getting ahold of our cargo we will be transporting." "Ugh. A transport mission! I would rather take down  battle droids!" I said rolling my eyes. "Rainy, you know I can't go with. Theirs too much at steak here." "I don't even know what it is." "We're going behind enemy lines and getting information on where the leader is that Ezra is fighting on." I was angered by this. "What in the hell makes you think I would even want to do this mission when you know him and I dated?" I asked in an angry tone. "I know I know. It's just I need you're help. You know that part of the world better than any of us. Rainy, put you're feelings aside. You are going on this mission and that's it. No more disscision." Father said making me walk with him. I left my comm link there. And we were off.
    On the battlefield, their was so much death already. We were loosing this battle. "This is why I had you leave you're comm links there." We got to the communication deck. I swore I saw Ezra there. And I was right. "The hell are you three doing here?" "Where looking for something. You got anything?" "Not yet. We're still trying to locate the leader." "We can handle that." I just glaired at him. Not in a nice glare. In a disgusted glare. I wanted nothing to do with him. But we had to work together to get this job done.
  Now, on the offensive, we located the leader. I was on the opposite side. We had the swat team come in. They helped us take them down. And the leader was found. But like my father always is, his dark side took over him. "Tell us what it is you're trying to do here?! These people don't deserve to suffer the way you're making them." "Father!" I nodded at him. "This is our way. The Jedi weren't even supposed to be here." "You either end this war now, or I end you." I glared at father again. With the look of rethink that statement on my face. He didn't. Instead he did what he always does. "We were supposed to bring them back to America and hold them at the temple! That's what mother told me." "I know. But you're mother also told me if they don't speak then we kill them. They don't give us why they started this war, we end them. That's what you're mother told me." "Then why would she say something completely different to me?" "I don't know. Let's go." "Well...?" Ezra asked. "It's done. Now we just have to get the US to end things over here." "Good luck with that." I just walked right past him. My hair blocking my view of how much the dark side controlled both of those two. They both felt like ghosts to me. Not there at all. The ones I knew weren't even in the former bodies I knew. They where just gone.
  On the flight home, I had father pilot the ship. He's usually good at flying but landing, not so much. I felt the pain of Ezra being on the same conteinent as me. The same world. His dark side was coming out in him. It just felt like a ghost. I was his light. And now that's gone in him. I didn't feel the same Ezra as when I fell in love with him. He was gone. No longer there. I was in my quarters trying to sleep. I saw an image of Ezra in full dark side abilities. Next to him was me. In all black. But was it right to think we would go to the dark side? I don't want that power to take over me. Ezra wasn't my problem anymore. I woke up and snapped out of it. I meditated for a bit. I made myself forget about him. About the pleasures he gave me. My past life with him. The anger he gave me. I was done with him. After purifying myself, I felt clean. No more evil thoughts of him swirled through my mind. My train if thought was normal again. Just a track going to nowhere. I never wanted to see the image of myself in darkness again. I could purify my own self. That's how powerful I am. I used that ability to get rid of him. And I did. The hardest part will be my room. All the memories I have of him there.
   I got back up to the cockpit. Father was there. "You okay? You seemed a little tense when you got on the ship." "I didn't know I could purify my own magic." "How did you do that?" "Meditated. I focused on the light. I saw Ezra and I on the dark throne. I won't let that happen. I'm done with him." "Good. Now you have to prove it." "I will." I said. Looking out into hyperspace, I felt pure. As pure as the blue light of the stars passing by. No evil could touch me ever again.
When we were back on American soil, I took time off for me. I had this whole house of my own to myself. I didn't even know how to heal from this pain. It's a type of pain you can't see. It's an emotional one.
   When I entered my room after that mission, I removed anything left of Ezra still left from him. I got rid of his things since we were truly done. I knew it. I had to. I repainted my room to match the color of my hair. Calming tranquility blue. I sat in the middle while the paint was drying. Smelling it dry, in my meditating stance. Legs crossed. Breathing in and out. My magic in full swing. Erasing every memory I had of him in that room. The power of his darkness faded with every breath in and every breath out. I finally purified my space. I needed to do that to heal. Now, we could move on. Even though sometimes it may still be a war in my head of who to go to. I have no clue how to feel still. When I get this way, I meditated.