All the dark jokes I know
1. My grief counselor died. He was so good, I didn't even care.
2. Today, I asked my phone "Siri, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.
3. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
4. Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
5. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.
6. My mom died when we couldn't remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to "be positive," but it's hard without her.
7. What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can't be found.
8. I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
9. Do you know the phrase "One man's trash is another man's treasure"? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
10. My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
11. It's important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive.
12. Want to know how to make a Caesar salad? Stab it 23 times!
13. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.
14. Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
15. My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
16. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
17. A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"
18. I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
19. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
20. Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.
21. What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
22. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
23. What did the Titanic say as it sank? I'm nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!
24. Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
25. How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
26. My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
27. I have many jokes about unemployed people—sadly none of them work.
28. The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They're always so twisted.
