Confession of a Broken Heart

Doubts

I'm sorry. You said "I need time" I told you I would wait, I could wait. But the truth is, I cannot. I cannot wait. I cannot put my life into parentheses for you. I mean I could, and I would for him. For the one, I fell in love with. But not for you. Not for the one you've become. You keep pushing me away and it hurts. You're hot and cold. And I just cannot stand it anymore. I'm caught between loving you and loving me. You say you see four possibilities I see two. Either we listen to our instinct. To the universe who pushed us together, made us have those great moments. Made us think we were finally there. Finally loved. Or we say goodbye. It will hurt, but I'm already hurt. I will give you your shirts back. Go back to my dark place. Missing who you used to be. Who we were. 

But I won't miss that new version of you who didn't love me enough.

I can help you. I would have done it in a blink of an eye if it was for the one version of you I first met. Even the second one, hurt but who cared about me. I would have given you everything.

But if you keep pushing me away, then that is it. I cannot put myself through this. Not again. It is too painful. And you said it yourself, you aren't sure of the outcome. We might end up in this exact same situation in several weeks. 

You said four outcomes:

1) We decide to live this thing together and enjoy what might be the greatest adventure of our life.

2) We go for it, only for you to start doubting again in a few days, weeks or months. Hurting the both of us.

3) We broke up now, and you will heavily regret this for the rest of your life. Yet again, hurting both of us.

4) We break up for good. End of the story. Again, painful for both of us.

Seeing those four options, I realized that there was only one in which I would obtain what I want. And three where both of us would suffer. As foolish as it sounds. I am ready to accept the pain that the second one would imply. I am ready to feel hurt and sorrow in a few months if that means I get to live a happy life in the meantime. I guess that's what people call self-destructive behavior. 

I guess the question is simple. Stay or leave. I don't see four options. I see only those two. Stay and we will make this work. If it does then I will be the happiest girl on earth. If it doesn't, I will be in atrocious pain, but at least we would have tried.  Or leave, and that is it. No callback, no returning. That will be it. 

So Stay or Leave.

But before you choose, think about the previous girl. 'Cause that is her that you're going to leave. Not the one I've become. The one you made me become by depriving me of your love. Think about that one girl who made you smile every time you saw her name appear on your screen. That girl you started falling in love with. The one that made you laugh. The one that hugged you and kissed you. The one that hold you and treated you like a king. The one that you felt drawn to, helplessly attracted to. The one you were obsessed with. The one that haunted your dreams and your mornings.

If you still feel that kind of feeling for her, then hold on to that. Tell her to stay. She will help you. But if you don't, let her go. Know you will probably regret it. As you regret the others girls you left before her. Only this will probably be worse, 'cause that one will have done everything for you and you know it. 

And she won't come back to you. It will be final. She already suffered too much for you. She cannot continue like this. Carrying your wounded self on her already wounded back. If you keep pushing her away she will give up. Kiss you and hold you tight one last time before letting you go and run away to tend to her own wounds, those exact wounds you started healing before plunging a knife into them. She can't go on without your help. If you don't help her every once in a while. She needs to see you by her side as well. She needs to see you fight to salvage this beautiful thing the both of you created.

That girl you start loving and got scared of is still here and is willing to remain by your side. But she needs to see some proof that you still like her. That you still want her. 

Do you?