Darkest days

Life sucks. Well, it sometimes sucks. At Least for Ezra. Its not like he goes parading around that he's trans, and it's not like he keeps it hidden like its his deepest darkest secret. Its just.. There.

Is really what he wished was the truth.

‘Hyd?’ The message lit up the dark screen. ‘My god. Who is messaging me at…’ He paused his thoughts, fingers pressing down on his phone, ‘2am? Really? I knew I couldn't sleep but damn.’ He tapped the message, trying to see who wrote it. It was just Jax, His… friend. He doubted Jax saw him as a best friend anyways so may as well save the trouble and say their acquaintances. ‘Nm. Y are u texting me at nearly 3 am tho?’ He texted back. He was way too tired to type properly. After what felt like a couple minutes It was probably only a couple seconds Jax replied, ‘Oh, I just finished streaming. I just wanted to ask if you wanted to stream together tmrw? My chat was suggesting little nightmares two and Seb and Adrien have already done it so since you're like the only person that hasn't done it apart from me I was wondering if you wanted to do it together?’ Ah. Right. I'm sure he's asked everyone if they've played before asking me. It's fine. I know I'm not important anyways. ‘Yeah. sure. I'm gonna go to bed now. Gn.’

He threw his phone next to him on the bed, trying to stop the tears in his eyes. Why am I like this? It's not even a big deal. It doesn't matter that he's the second choice. He always is. Ezra lifts himself up off his bed, and walks into his bathroom. Wait. What am I doing? He pauses himself, snapping back to life. He looks down at his hand, looks down at what's in his hands. No. I'm a week clean. Why should I ruin it? He clenches the cup of razors tighter in his grip. What does it matter? Nobody cares if i cut myself or not. I'm sure everyone would love to see what they've done to me. They fucking deserve to see how theyve treated me. He reaches into the cup, grabbing one of the loose razor blades at the bottom. 

He lifts his sleeves, and he doesn't realise what he's doing. 1..2.. These should be deeper. I deserve to feel pain. I deserve to die. Everyone deserves to see what they made me do.

He zones back in after a few seconds, looking down at his arm. Blood leaked out of the fresh wounds. Oh. oh no. What have I done? It's not even a big deal. I'm such a useless piece of shit. He wraps his arm in bandages, cleans the blade and his counter, and puts the blade away. He’d been in his binder for like 12 hours but that's not nearly as long as the longest he'd worn it so he wasn't worried. (Or was it 16 hours? He couldn't remember.) 

He collapsed back onto his bed, arm hurting too bad to think straight. Damn. Hurts the same every time. Suppose I can't complain. He turns over, staring at his dark phone screen.

Boop Beep!

Ezra paused in his place. That was a custom ringtone. A custom ringtone he set for the person he missed. The custom ringtone he created for the person that drifted away from him. The custom ringtone he gave to his best friend. The custom ringtone he gave to the first and only person that knows he’s trans. His first friend. His first viewer. His first love. His first everything. 

He opened the message, hands shaking from excitement and fear. He felt nauseous, from the lack of blood, and from the message.

‘Hey Ez, Ik you're probably asleep rn but I just wanted to say thank you for being my best friend and just know I'm so happy for you and just wanted to say congrats on 1 million subscribers! Ik this is kinda awkward so Im sorry this is so formal but truly congrats!’

Ezra blushed and reread it, when he realised something. I don't have a million subscribers? He jumped up and turned on his pc, planting himself in the cushion of his gaming chair. He jumped onto youtube and Oh. My. GOD. I… I have a million subscribers. I HAVE A MILLION SUBSCRIBERS! Fuck it being awkward, he was too happy to think straight. He put his headphones on and tapped the call button.