Beyond Alteration

N

17 September 2018

"We need to talk," Bannie blurted out as soon as he entered the elevator with his son. 

Junha didn't look up from his shoes. He wasn't too proud of his current behaviour with his father, but he couldn't help the anger inside him. He did try hard to let go of the anger, but he somehow just couldn't. 

"Junha," Banshin called out sternly, making Junha grimace and look up at him. He hated making Hansung or Banshin disappointed, especially Banshin who he was starting to look up to, and here he was, making both of them sad and mad and disappointed in him. 

He looked back down before Banshin could make proper eye contact with him. He suddenly felt too ashamed to look into his eyes. 

A hand came into his view and before he could do anything about it, it was touching his chin and tilting his head up. He tried to resist, and thankfully, the elevator stopped right then and the doors opened, making him sigh in relief, though not for long. As soon as they reached Banshin's motorbike, Banshin rounded on him and trapped him between himself and the bike.  

"Tell me what you are feeling, kid. You of all people should know how bad it is to bottle up your feelings," Banshin said. 

Junha's lip trembled. "I just..." he threw his head down, sniffling just as Banshin engulfed him in a warm hug. "Let it all out. I'll try to understand your pain," he said, making Junha cry harder.

"Why doesn't papa care about me? Even this time and the last time, he didn't even think about me before trying to leave me. I get it, he has bigger problems than me and I can't even relate one per cent to what he went through, but he has me now, right? I tried so hard to be there for him since he returned but he still tried to leave like he doesn't have anyone for him. Doesn't he love me? Doesn't he love you? I feel like I have no one either. I feel like a fucking orphan, moving from house to house because the people who are actually supposed to take care of me weren't responsible enough. I-"

"Okay, I told you to let it out, but I have to stop you right there," Banshin said and let go of Junha before levelling him with the most adult-ish stare he could ever muster. 

"First of all, Junha, language. You know how Hannie feels about curses. Try not to make a habit of cursing. Second, no problem is bigger or smaller, kid. Everyone feels hurt just the same. For your age, you've been through a lot too, so don't invalidate it. But don't invalidate Hannie's pain too. I'm hurt that he tried to leave again too, but you should look at it from his point of view too. 

He loves us, he cares for us, but more than he loves us, he is scared of that man. And we can't say he is that scared of him for no reason. We both don't even know half of what that man did to him. So it is very reasonable of him to want to escape from the world the moment he came to know that that rag is still alive. In fact, we should give him credit for being able to function normally today morning after receiving such a shock that day. 

It is our responsibility to stay by his side and keep reminding him that the monster is not worth it, that we are there for him, that he should not leave because of him, and that he should stay because of us instead. 

Am I not right? We should try to make his love for us bigger than his fear of that man. He is already feeling guilty for trying to leave us. It shows he wasn't in his right mind this time when he tried it. So let's try not to make things even harder for him, yeah?"

Banshin watched as Junha grew less ashamed and more determined the more he talked. As if he was realizing that he wasn't wrong for getting mad, but was wrong for showing it instead. Hansung really didn't need anything more on his plate at the moment.