I stand there lurking in the shadows as I watch my brother cup Hannah's cheek, saying something to her making her lean more into his touch. He looks down at her like she is a goddess walking this Earth as she looks up at him like he has hung the moon. I used to get that look. I used to be the only one for her, even if it was for a couple of months, yet was I the only one to feel it? Those months that I had come to know her and then the few months we were actually together, it was real to me. Why would she look at Cole the way she looked at me?
We might have been young but I knew exactly how I felt. Was I moron to think that she could have loved me the same way? Did I allow her beauty and addicting personality to shadow the fact that she was toying with the both of us, me especially? Was it all just a game to her? Was she in love with my brother as well?
No.
She couldn't have been.
Right?
The countless number of times that he was there with her comes flashing in my mind. He was there no matter what. Always to her damn rescue. It reminds me of the time that he slept over her house. That should have been an indication of what was to come. Something nagged me that night. How could he sleep over her house? Did they do anything but chill? The all out rage consumed me when she texted me that night. That same rage is coming back once again.
Now knowing he was actually in love with her as well cuts deep. All the times I asked him, all the times he said "no no no", makes me want to pulverize him. I knew it was too good to be true. I should have never had him convince me to dance with her that night at the Senior Dance. As soon as I seen that she was in his arms I blanked. I couldn't understand what was happening and it must have shown because before I knew it I was being pushed out onto the dance floor by him and caught her in my arms. It was the biggest mistake I could have ever made. I should have stayed with Mandy. Least I knew she had eyes for me and only me.
Rehashing the past in my mind makes the anger within me even more overwhelming. How am I supposed to look back on how much I loved her when she could of been loving him as well? I was totally blinded by my love for her to see the truth. I definitely won't make that mistake again.
With her, or any other girl.
Call me a prick but look what I have been through.
Girls are good for one thing and one thing only. No, not just sexually. They are good at breaking a man down and stomping his emotions to nothing.
Feeling nothing.
Feeling empty.
Yep. That's what they are good for.
I watch as they enter her building and the need to rush inside to confront the both of them is getting the better of me until my legs decide for me and push me forward but it is too late. They are past the second door. I kick the garbage can that is by her building and watch as all the garbage falls to the floor. I curse myself internally, definitely not liking how fucked up in the head I have become as soon as she came back into our lives. I ball my hands into fists and want to unleash fury upon anything and everything. I walk back home definitely in a mental mess.
I want, no, I need, to remain hating her. I want to keep irking her. I want to keep belittling her and having Jackie torment her. It is like a disgusting addiction for me to watch her sink further into an abyss. She doesn't get to come back unscathed. She doesn't get to lead a happy existence while she torn mine apart. I never used to think this way. I was once calm, rational, worthy of a conscience. After she left, my world went dark. I haven't been the same. You can see there is a void within me.
I want to get her so mad and riled up that she has no choice but to confront me face to face and unleash havoc upon me because it is what I crave. It might sound crazy as hell but having her yell at me and glare daggers at me is better than watching her all goo goo eyed for my brother.
My brother.
Her torment is an addicting drug for me. I am a sick fuck I know but the need for her to tear me a new one is at an all time high because once that is done, and we are standing mere inches apart wanting to kill one another, is when I'll pounce and claim what has been mine for all these years.
Those lips of hers on my lips.
I spew a load of crap but internally, deep deep down I want her back. I want what we once had, no matter the cost, no matter who gets hurt in the process. I don't give two shits.
She'll never be his.
I'll make damn sure of that.
For now though, I need to release some pent up anger. I pull out my phone and press dial on Jackie's number. She answers on the second ring which I knew she would. Another girl who I know only has eyes for me.
"Meet me at my house. Ten minutes." Is all I say before I end the call.
Cole
The week flies fast before Thanksgiving is upon us. I have spent more time with Hannah over the past week which brings back memories of how we used to be together. Seeking out one another is what we used to do and I revel in the fact that I can do it once again.
She has begun to lean on me again, even after the fact that I bombarded her with the truth. I am here to prove to her that I want her and only her. She is my past, my present, and my future. If she harbors any feelings for my brother than so be it. I know she can never easily forget him but the same goes for me.
I was selfless back then.
Now I am ready to be selfish.
I am ready to claim Hannah for myself. Justin made it clear he wants nothing to do with her. It is my time to shine and be the knight in shining armor she deserves.
Even her friend Alexis seems cool to hang around with. I can tell that they will be friends for years and I am happy for Hannah to have a girlfriend to confide in. I know she can't just have me in her life. I might want all her attention day in and day out but when it comes down to it, she deserves happiness in any shape or form.
The gnawing feeling I have in my stomach knowing Hannah is celebrating Thanksgiving by herself makes me nauseous.
I want to be with her.
I wish she would have come here for dinner but she didn't want to impose. There was more to it than just that. The fact that she would have to eat Thanksgiving dinner with my brother was a major factor. The guy has been even more relentless with her even though I have threatened him countless numbers of times about it.
He doesn't get to cause her pain for something that was out of her control. He doesn't get to throw Jackie and his relationship in her face. The guy needs to grow up. I should tell him the truth and break him from the inside out but that is her story to tell, not mine. If and when she is ready will she confide in him. That is, if he will ever let her. Not sure his barriers will break down any time soon.
Pathetic if you ask me.
Like I said, Hannah and I have been inseparable since I barged back into her life. I am following her around like a lovesick puppy dog, whether it be at school or afterwards. The baseball season doesn't start until Spring so I have time to kill. I don't care how it looks to everyone that has something to say about me chasing after her. Honestly the fact I need to break away from this dinner now to get to her is making me more anxious since my leg keeps bouncing up and down. This girl is it for me and that is all I need to know to keep going forward.
Justin can give me hell for keeping my feelings a secret from him but we were young back then. I somewhat understood my feelings for her and knew how mad I was at the fact that he took her away from me, even though I allowed him to, but now that I have had a chance to be around other girls, date them, mess with them, none have even come close to being Hannah.
I have kept the playboy act up for the past couple of years but truth is, I've never given myself entirely to a girl. Sure we have fooled around but nothing sexually explicit. Make out sessions mixed in with a little fondling is the most I have ever gotten. I have lied through my teeth to my brother, who is the biggest man whore alive. It is so strange how we basically swapped characteristics through the years. I've turned into the emotional sap whereas my brother has become the ultimate douche canoe.
"Earth to dumbass. Pass the potatoes bro." Justin quips while simultaneously kicking me under the table during our Thanksgiving dinner. It is only just mom, dad, myself and Justin this year. The reason being because cost of everything now has skyrocketed, so we just FaceTime our family nowadays during the holidays instead of having them come and spend a fortune for a mere weekend visit, which I do not mind in the slightest.
I love my family to death, but a long weekend with them could be torturous, and a hazard to our health, especially when my cousins come. I have three girl cousins from my dad's brother, Uncle Mitch, and three boy cousins from mom's sister Aunt Eva. We are all around the same age so our combined attitudes towards each other make me want to fly off of a building in order to escape. I even think my mom and dad are secretly elated that it is just us this year. Less dishes for mom and less headaches for dad. He can finally lay off the scotch for once this year.
"Here's your precious potatoes, brother." I say passing the potatoes to Justin and issuing a kick to his leg in return. He takes them from me and slabs a shitload onto his plate before putting it back down on the table.
"Hey mom, uh, would it be alright to pack away some leftovers, maybe some of the dessert too?" I belt out quickly before having an inner conflict with myself. This gives me a reason to go see her. Justin glares at me knowing full well what I am doing since we have done it before, when we were all friends. The expression on his face sums up just what he thinks about my question.
Don't care what you think brother.
"Sure hon. The last time you had me do that was for that pretty young girl. What was her name again? Anna?" She asks while pouring gravy onto her turkey.
"It was Hannah mom. Han-nah." Justin spits with no emotion and I raise an eyebrow at him. Any mention of her makes him angry. I still don't get it.
Calm the fuck down already.
We get it.
You've made your point about how you feel about her now.
"Ah yes. Hannah Montgomery. Wow. It has been so long since I've heard that name. Is this leftover pile for a new girl?" Mom asks making me almost spit my food out. I take a sip of water before I speak.
"Actually it is for Hannah. She transferred to our school this year and I've befriended her once again." I say with a smile which pisses Justin off immensely.
"Yeah. That girl seems to have just popped out of nowhere. Guess living high and mighty didn't suit her. She'd rather spend her time with us commoners. I wish she never came back." Justin says as he shoves a fork load of stuffing into his mouth. Mom just gives him a look of confusion. She knows how much he was head over heels for her at one point.
"Oh so does that mean she went to go live with her father? I could have sworn her parents had a nasty divorce and the way she spoke of him, she held some deep animosity towards him." Mom says as dad nods in agreement while just sitting listening to our conversation. Dad liked Hannah because she had a way of reigning my temper in. He always thought she was good for me. I was less of a hassle for him, not getting into fights or winding up in detention, so he rooted for her to be in our lives for the long run.
"See!" Justin says slamming the table with his palm, making all of us jump.
"That's the part I don't get. Why go back to that scum? If she had it good here then why go there? The bigger question is why the hell would she even come back here, am I right? Maybe everything out of her mouth was a crock of shit from the start." Justin says through gritted teeth making mom gasp in horror and dad clear his throat seemingly uncomfortable now.
See this is what gets me.
If it were me right now acting out, I'd get a three hour lecture.
Since it is prodigal child acting like an asshole, he says nothing.
"Language Justin Perry! I've never heard you speak like that about Hannah before. What has gotten into you?" Mom says fully concerned now.
"What has gotten into me? Let's see. I enter my junior year ready to dominate the baseball field only to be distracted by that girl coming back into my life. You knew how I felt about her mom. You knew how I acted as soon as she vanished from my life." He says looking straight at me. My jaw ticks because he knows how I felt then too. It wasn't just him feeling abandoned.
"Now that she's back, my head is in a tail spin and I don't know what the hell to do anymore because your other son fucking lied to me all those years ago claiming he never liked her but here we are now as I watch him all over her! This is utter bullshit!" Justin booms and smashes his fork onto his plate.
"I can't deal with any of this! My own brother is making a mockery out of me for the likes of her! You think he'd he leave her alone but he would rather get his dick wet from her than listen to his own brother! His own flesh and blood!" He says pushing back his chair making it squeak and storming out of the dining room. Dad does the same, following after him, now, yelling behind him, while mom just remains seated in shocked silence. She wipes her mouth with her napkin and looks at me with fear in her eyes.
Way to go Justin.
You butchered Thanksgiving dinner.
"What is going on between you two? I have never seen him act so unhinged before. Is it true? Do you have feelings or had feelings for Hannah? If so then you better make a careful decision as to whether or not you pursue these feelings. Your brother is spiraling and if this is going to come between you both then I think you should take a moment to reconsider. You don't want to lose your brother for Hannah, no matter how nice and sweet she may be. I know she was a good girl back then but to put you two at odds with one another is not very lady like." She says and my eyes bug out of my head.
"You can't mean that mom. Yes, I lied to him back then but I did it so he could have a chance with her, because I knew he cared for her. I brushed aside my own feelings for him and look what that has gotten the both of us. Look at how he is talking about her and treating her. For a guy who said she was the only girl for him and how he loved her so much, no matter how young he was, he has been nothing but cruel to her. He has made her cry by bullying her since the day she set foot into our school and you expect me to just walk away and not be there for her? Not a chance in hell mom. She made me a better person and I have missed her. You know that. He acts as if it was only him that was left behind." I say and she just stares at me.
"Cole, sweetheart, she has morphed your brother into a person I do not know. He never used to be this way. He is filled with such anger. Her leaving made him snap so why are you so willing to give her a second chance?" She asks, fully demanding to know my answer.
"She deserves a second chance because she didn't just leave mom. Her father took her in because her mom died in a car crash, the very last day we saw her and the reason why he is the way he is, is because he said the infamous "I love you" to her that day, to only wind up never hearing from her again." I say with my voice cracking a bit. The look of pure anguish fills my moms eyes.
"No." She gasps covering her mouth.
"That horrific car crash plastered all over the news and the newspaper headlines? Reports said the collision was so catastrophic that both drivers died instantly upon impact. Their cars were left in shambles. Oh my god sweetheart. That girl has been through so much pain. I am so sorry." She whimpers, reaching out to cover my hand with hers, turning her head to not show me that she is shedding tears, or maybe because she feels guilty for everything she just said about her.
"Where is she now? Please tell me she isn't by herself." Mom asks seemingly broken. The look I give is my answer and she rushes out of her seat heading straight to the kitchen to pack leftovers for me to bring to her. Her initial take on Hannah coming back is long gone now. Her need to provide her with comfort food and a shoulder to cry on is what is motivating my mom to empty everything into so many containers and have me bring them to her.
"What should I do about Justin mom?" I ask and she stops filling the last container to look at me.
"Your brother doesn't know the truth does he?" I shake my head and she nods.
"I think it is in the best interest to tell him but I can see why you don't. His barriers are up and there is no reasoning with him when he is like this. There is absolutely no excuse for his behavior towards her. Instead of releasing all this anger on her, he should have just spoken to her. I don't understand your brother sometimes." She sighs.
"Do what you can to ease him into realizing the truth. How he will take it will cause him more pain because this is something that he should have known instead of just assuming the worst. If he had then maybe he wouldn't be acting out. He'll spiral once again and I need you to make sure he doesn't do anything reckless." I nod and give her a hug.
"Please let Hannah know that she is welcome here any time, okay?" I nod and make my way upstairs to grab my jacket and keys. I decide that it is now or never to let bygones be bygones. We both messed up and now that Hannah is back, we can do things right. I approach Justin's room and knock. He opens the door, assessing the fact that I have my jacket on.
"Off to her place I suppose?" He says with disgust but I let it slip.
"Why don't we put the past in the past and try to move forward. We need to start fresh. We can enter this fairly. I know you still have feelings for her and she most likely still has feelings for you too." I begin to say and he starts to full on laugh at me.
"You have got to be fucking joking me right now brother. I am done being made a fool. Sure I might still have feelings for her but my anger trumps them. She hurt me and I can't look past that. I'm with Jackie now anyway and I am positive you have seen how I have publicly shown that in front of her face. You want Hannah? Have her. Don't come bitching to me when she stomps on your heart like she did mine." He says with venom and goes to slam the door in my face, but I stop it with my foot and thankfully I am wearing boots so the impact isn't too bad.
"You think you know it all don't you? Have you ever even considered talking to her? How about find out the truth of where she has been first and then decide whether you are in or out. This is no random girl Justin and you know it. This is Hannah we are talking about. If you honestly loved her at one point, then you owe it to her to push your hate filled feelings aside and hear her out. You'll be surprised by the answer and trust me, the shit you are doing to her will eat you alive if you find out what she has really been through." I say and he blinks in confusion.
"You know the truth, so just tell me." He says and I shake my head.
"It isn't my truth to reveal." I say taking my foot away.
"Then it isn't my problem." He says and slams the door.
I tried.
I walk downstairs and grab the leftovers mom left for me to take. As I do, Justin calls out to me.
"Wait!" I watch as he storms down the stairs.
"This is the only opportunity she has to tell me the answers I need to hear. If she doesn't then to hell with everything, and everyone, including you and her. I'll step aside and allow you to be ever so fucking happy with her as you think you might be." He says as he opens the door and walks out, leaving me to follow behind him.
This is going to be such a shit show.
Fuck.
YOU ARE READING
Torn Between Two
RomanceI met the double trouble brothers back when I transferred schools in 8th grade after being yet another child of divorce. Cole, the ever obnoxious stubborn one with the tendency to wreak havoc and Justin, the gentle soul who harbors struggle with con...
