Torn Between Two

28

       "Mommy, mommy, mommy! Look at me mommy!" Addie yells while twirling in our little garden out back. She is wearing her pink tutu Uncle Lucas bought for her and making believe she is the one and only sugar plum fairy, for now. Who knows what her imagination will concoct in the next five minutes. I watch as she goes round and round while I just eye her and watch her brightened beautiful face.
        She is all smiles, giggles, simply care free. To be young again. To be a child with such a crazy imagination again. I inwardly sigh. I pray that life will continuously remain care free for her. I never want her to hurt, be in pain, have her heart shattered and broken, but who am I kidding?
     I can't protect her from that.
     I couldn't even protect myself from that.
     Cole has been relentless to say the least. He has apologized multiple times over text, voicemail, calls on the daily. One day he had called and I stupidly answered to tell him to give me the space that I need, only to have Addie barreling towards me, shoving her face in the phone.
        "Who's that mommy?" She said smiling and waving.
         "An old friend of mommy's." I replied not wanting to delve any deeper.
        "Can he be my friend too mommy?" She asked and I couldn't deny it, even if I had wanted to do badly deep down. Ever since, he has kept on calling in order to speak to her and I allow it. He is her father so I can't keep him from her. He knows she exists so there is no need for me to hide her. I understand he doesn't want me any more and I am slowly coming to terms with that but I need to make sure he still wants to be a part of her life, no matter the distance. I need to speak with him about that one day when I have the balls to actually speak with him. I avoid conversations with him. I still can't talk without cracking so I find any excuse to not have to speak with him. This is his time with Addie.
         I can see Cole is trying every which way to have me forgive him and be part of our lives, showing how much he is dedicated to speaking to Addie on the daily. No matter what could be going on in his life at that moment, he is always calling, regardless of if he has class, practice, or a game. What my traitorous heart really wants is for him to come here, grovel on his knees for my forgiveness, and prove to me that he can love me and our daughter for the rest of our lives like he proclaimed back in his dorm room that night. However, it was my naivety that brought about a shitload of pain, so only I am to blame. I wasn't thinking in the heat of the moment. I caused myself to believe everything was perfect.
      How very wrong I was.
      Even though I would like to think the positive, this isn't a romcom. The kind of shit that I am imagining does not happen in real life because when it happens in the movies, I know every woman in the world yells at their television, demanding why the stupid girl is easily forgiving the cheating bastard.
        He broke me.
        He broke us.
        I have to keep reminding myself of that.
        We haven't seen each other since that night, only him constantly sending texts here and there, FaceTime, and calling Addie like I said. I know he is busy playing for his team and school, and honestly, I can't blame him for it.
       His life is there.
       Mine is here.
       It is as simple as that. I won't blame him for it, yet, my mind does. I honestly think for him to be a father to Addie, he needs to be here for it all. He needs to show that he can be present. Until he can at least do that much, there really isn't much that I could force him to do from where he is now.
         He needs to want this life.
         Fully.
         Addie still doesn't know who he is to her. I'll keep it that way until he can prove that he'll be there for her. I don't need him there for me because as of right now, my heart is shut off for him. Addie, however, sees him as the silly guy who uses silly filters when he FaceTimes her. She is so innocent to all of this and I won't allow him to hurt her like he hurt me. I need to protect her heart from him because for all I know, he'll disappear and ghost her and I will rain hellfire upon him if he does. He can hurt me but hurt my daughter is a big no no. Mama bear will take him down.
          My heart nearly bursts every time she talks to him over the phone. Her giggles and sparkling eyes for the silly man with filters is overwhelming. No matter how many times I think of him shattering my heart to pieces, I know that I cannot stand in his way of talking to his daughter. This isn't about my feelings. It is solely about hers. Besides, I don't need him involving the judicial system. I know it was all a front because he was hurting, but, I don't trust that he will not do it again. He has ruined my trust and love for him and it'll take a miracle to gain them back.
          I guess life for me can't be easy.
          After running herself rampant all day thinking she was a fairy, my little Addie has passed out in her bed, still wrapped in her tutu. I didn't have the heart to take it off her. That, and, the fact that she can go from sweet little angel to demon spawn in less than a second. If she is not in her tutu, all hell breaks loose and for once, I would not like for the both of us to lose our shit.
         Yep, you guessed it.
         The terrible twos.
           "Knock, knock." Lucas says by the back door and I wave him in while finishing up the last of the dishes.
           "Addie asleep?" He asks looking exhausted himself.
           "Yeah, she conked out after her many twirls around the backyard vanquishing the evil fairies with her magical dust. That tutu is the best and worst thing you could have ever gotten her." I say which provides us both with a laugh. He comes to stand beside me, eyes glued to my hands washing the dishes.
          "I'm glad she likes it. That's all I ever want for her. Just for her to be a happy kid. I also want her to have a happy mommy." He croaks out while grabbing a dishcloth, helping to dry the already washed dishes and putting them back where they belong. There is a silence between us and you could hear a pin drop.
          Our eyes connect briefly and there is something that is happening between us, and has been for a while, but I was always scared to proceed. I always had this notion that fate would bring me back to Cole but look what happened when it had?
        Am I even ready to take it a step further with Lucas?
        Lucas is the good guy.
        He's a decent guy.
        The kind of guy that deserves a woman to love him.
        Not fall for the broken one.
        Not fall for the woman who is so torn apart that she doesn't know if she could love anyone else the way she loved Cole.
        I snap my focus away from him, leaving him with a small smile, and continue on with the dishes I have left. Once done, I invite him to stay and we both grab a beer, needing to unwind for just a little while, and have a seat on the couch. We rummage through all the subscriptions on my television that I pay for, yet there is nothing ever on.
        Like, never.
        We settle for a new romcom with Emma Roberts, something along the lines of fate bringing love together, and just relax in each others company. It should be awkward between us, especially the fact that we are watching a love story unfold, yet, it is quite the opposite.
        We finish our third round of beers and I offer to grab another for him which he says yes to, but when I stand, he latches onto my wrist and pulls me down onto his lap. Mind you, I am still holding empty beer bottles in my hand. He realizes and smirks, grabbing them from me and placing them down on the table behind me. This is definitely a different side to him, a side that was brought about most likely by the beers, but I don't stop it. I allow it to continue.
        He looks directly into my eyes and I have no idea what he must see in them.
        Uncertainty?
        Nervousness?
        He cups my face in his large hands and I can feel myself melting into him. The only other time I felt this was when it was Cole doing it. I know I shouldn't be thinking about him, but he was once my everything. He took a part of me, actually, all of me, way back when, and I have yet to get it back fully. Maybe if I tried with another, I can get back some of myself? Ugh. I hate this.
        No matter how long I hadn't seen him, he was always there within me. Cole has always held my heart and, unfortunately, still does, even though he ruined it all over one mistake, as he calls it.
        Why am I even rehashing the past?
        What's done is done. Period.
       "Penny for your thoughts?" Lucas says just above a whisper, holding my gaze as he runs his fingers through my hair, the feeling so sensual. His touch is so soft.
       "I'm afraid." I say, soft and low, biting my lower lip.
       "You deserve happiness Hannah. You deserve somebody to worship you and Addie. I can't help the feelings I have and had for you this entire time. Cole saw right through me. You walking into the ice cream shop, the very first day, was when I was a goner. You captivated me. I know I shouldn't ask anything from you but, even it is for just one night, please, let me devote myself to you. I can't refrain myself any longer." He says, his forehead leaning against mine, his breath fanning me. My heart begins to beat faster as he brushes his lips against mine ever so softly.
        I gulp down my hesitance and bring my lips to cover his. The movement has Lucas jolt and his breath hitch. He ever so carefully kisses me back, pulling me closer to him that my breasts are practically against his chest and I wrap my arms around his neck. Before I know it, we are both latching onto each either, a primal need enveloping within the both of us.
       The kiss deepens with our tongues dueling one another. I torturously begin to grind against him, every movement igniting his erection to become more and more, poking my backside. He lifts my shirt over my head, leaving me in my pink laced bra, only to have me feeling a tad bit vulnerable and shy. He eyes my chest like a predator out for his prey, unlatching my bra meticulously, cupping one while he devours the other. My head falls back and I stifle my moan, remembering that we are on the couch. My phone is busy going off, ringing and ringing, text chimes coming through but I ignore it.
         How can I stop Lucas now?
         I don't want to.
         I need this.
         I haven't been intimate with anyone besides Cole and the fact that he took it upon himself to give himself away to so many others, I feel nothing along the lines of regret. The only thoughts I have right now are salacious and dirty.
        Lucas soon remembers that we are on the couch and picks me up and carries me to my bedroom where he kicks the door closed, locking it. He places me on my bed and all I can see is hunger orbs for eyes. I'm wearing nothing but my jeans whereas he is still fully clothed. My confidence has spiked and the need within me at an all time high.
        "Strip." I hear myself commanding him. A smirk rises on his handsome face and he does as he is told, everything being taken off except for his boxers, which are sporting a massive tent. I eye it hungrily. I lick my lips and he goes ahead and removes my pants and panties, leaving me bare. He drops down to his knees and pulls me down so that my legs are hanging on his shoulders and begins to feast on me.
         My core is aching but his assault makes me curl my fingers into the blanket, needing to grip something. I want to scream out but I hold myself back. His tongue does wonders where I am seeing stars and just as I am about to fall he stops. He rises, stripping out of his boxers, allowing his massive erection to be free. There is precum leaking from it and I sit up and lick it right off, him shivering from the sensation it must give. I take him into my mouth, suctioning, licking and moving my head up and down until his legs tense and he pushes me off only to stretch me to the hilt. I am literally a goner right now because the feeling is beyond incredible. The way he is moving in and out of me, the way he is making me feel desirable and ravishing me, feels so damn amazing.
          He stares at me as he slows down his pace, not wanting this moment to end between us. I notice the flicker of more than just a one time affection between us in his eyes. I notice the raw emotion he is trying so hard to hide. He himself said that even if it were for one night only, but I know he was lying.
     He wants more.
     He wants me.
     He wants Addie.
     The more I try to fight the inevitable, my heart slowly begins to thaw, allowing me to feel once again.
      "You're so beautiful Hannah. I don't want this to stop. I don't want to unlink myself from you. I want all of you. I want you now, I'll want you tomorrow. I'll even continue to want you when you are still contemplating what it is that you want for yourself." He says before leaning down to the crook of my neck kissing and sucking before bringing his lips back to mine. My legs wrap around his waist and my arms wrap around his neck. I pull him in and when I do, the deeper he gets which makes me see stars. His pace remains slow and steady until it begins to quicken but I just stare into his eyes to which he slows down again.
          "Keep going slow. Make love to me Lucas. Bring me to the edge and never let go." I say not ready for this to end, even if it is for the night. We continue almost well into the morning and I haven't been given so many climaxes within one night in my life. We are both extremely sated and relaxed when I hear little pitter patters coming down the hall. I immediately jump up and grab Cole's shirt and throw on a pair of sleep shorts and open my door quickly to sneak out. I watch as my little girl comes barreling towards me with such bed head making me giggle holding onto her teddy bear.
         "Mommy, I'm hungry." She says and I pick her up and kiss her cheek.
         "Well then let's go feed the princess." I say with a smile as she kisses me back on the cheek. We head to the kitchen where I sit her at the table and she begins to talk to her teddy bear while I gather stuff to make breakfast. I feel eyes on me and so does Addie.
        "Unkie Lucas!" She says and runs to him.
        "Hey little miss princess." He says hugging her while his eyes hold my attention. They are deep, dark, yet a twinkle resides in them. He looks at what I am wearing and winks. I feel myself become hot under his gaze and look elsewhere to get myself in check.
         "Can we go to the park today mommy?" Addie asks so sweetly that I can't resist.
          "Sure sweetheart. Let mommy check in with everyone down at the B&B and then we can go from there." She squeaks with giddiness and my heart soars. She runs into the other room with her teddy bear and Lucas slides up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist while inhaling the crook of my neck. His hands hold onto my waist, his body nearly superglued to mine. His hands roam until one of them is resting underneath his shirt moving my shorts to the side, entering me with his finger. I cling to the counter as he pumps into me further, putting another digit inside of me. I hold in the moans that want to escape and he knows exactly what he is doing to me while sucking on my neck. I can feel him behind me. So definitely hard as steel.
          "Come for me." He says and that is exactly what I do. His fingers leave me and move right to his mouth which he sucks.
          "Morning beautiful." He says with a wink and I know I am full on blushing. A shiver runs up my spine and I hold back the moan that wants to escape my lips needing more of him already. The moment quickly vanishes when the doorbell rings. We both look at each other questionably. I wasn't expecting anyone this morning.
          "Keep an eye on the stove for me since you very well distracted me while I go see who that is?" I raise an eyebrow at him which makes him laugh. He nods but before I can shimmy away from him, he pulls me in for a kiss that makes my knees buckle. He asked for one night yet this one kiss right now is basically a plead for a forever. I'm at a loss with what my head and heart want to do but unlike last night, I am fully prepared to explore it.
         We pull away as the doorbell rings once again. He minds the stove while I shuffle to the door. I don't even look through the peephole, with my mind running around in circles, that I don't even notice Cole standing right outside when I do open it. I stand there shocked, wordless, mouth agape.
         "Morning sweet cheeks." He says with such a broad smile. Him using my old nickname stirs anger within me. He acts as if everything is right as rain between us that I cross my arms against my chest forgetting I am lacking a bra. Thank god Lucas's shirt is black, yet long, highly noticeable to Cole who just eyes it with fury.
           He doesn't miss a thing.
           "What are you doing here Cole?" I say in an irritated way. I walk out and close the door behind me so that I can shield Addie from view. More like shielding Lucas from view. Cole already knows I am wearing someone else's shirt. If he finds Lucas inside, I am betting WW3 will ensue.
           "I told you I was coming. I have an away game tomorrow. Didn't you get my phone calls, voicemail, or texts? I tried calling you several times last night." He says in a tense way. He eyes me then at the door then at me again.
          "Who's inside Hannah?" He says as he slowly comes to approach me. I hold my hand out to stop him, to give me space. The look on his face is pained but let's not forget how we came into this situation. I don't owe him an explanation. I don't owe him anything.
          "You can't just show up here unexpected Cole. You should have at least tried calling me before arriving at my doorstep this morning." I say, one hand going through my hair, feeling exasperated, cornered, and overwhelmed.
          "I thought this is what you wanted. I'm here outside your house wanting to make things right. Needing to actually. My life without you in it, by my side, is not a life at all. You must surely feel the same way. I know you do. Years of love can't cease to exist after one stupid mistake." He says pointedly and I scoff.
         "One stupid mistake Cole?! A stupid mistake is cheating on a test. What you did was a colossal fuck up. Don't even mask it as a mistake. Don't you even dare blame the alcohol either because you and I both know there was more to it than just being wasted. You were hurting so the only thing you thought to do was make me hurt ten to a thousand times more." I spit right back at him. He stands there, his chest rising up and down and turns around needing a moment. He spins back to look at me and I really don't need this now.
         "I told you before you came home that I was going to try everything in my power to make you forgive me. I told you that you were it for me and you still are. I haven't been with any other girl. I haven't even had a drop to drink. I've even spoken to my counselor to help me find a school here to transfer to after the year is over. I am in this for the long haul. I want to be Addie's father. I want to be someone you can count on. Someone who is there for you, for our daughter. My colossal mist....fuckup is what made me see what was right in front of me all along. I don't want to hesitate anymore. I want to do this, with you, for Addie." He says, literally not taking a breath.
         He has said everything I wanted to hear him say for the longest time but it doesn't hit where it is supposed to. My heart is still stuck on the incident that ruined our happily ever after. I'm not sure I can forgive and forget.
          Not now anyway.
          The door opens revealing Lucas and I curse in my head but school my appearance.
           "Addie is waiting to eat breakfast with you." He says and then looks to Cole who is standing there ready to explode.
          "Do you want me to take Addie to the park and you can meet us there after checking on the B&B?" He asks and I grimace because I can feel the anger rolling off of Cole in waves.
          "Don't you fucking dare lay a finger on my daughters head. You will not be taking her anywhere. She is my daughter!" Cole roars and I need to simmer this situation up pronto knowing Addie is within earshot.
          "Zip it the both of you! Neither of you will be going ape shit on one another when my daughter is inside!" I seethe eyeing Lucas and then Cole. I turn to Lucas and will myself to speak calmly.
         "It's okay Lucas. I'll be in in a moment. Just give me a second okay? Tell Addie I'll be there shortly." He nods and closes the door leaving me to face an angry Cole alone.
          "The fuck Hannah. Seriously? What the fuck is he even doing here? Who the hell does he think he is by even suggesting taking Addie away right now?" He says and I bide my time just waiting for him to calm himself down. The minute I think he is there, it is like a light has flipped on in his mind.
          "That's his shirt isn't it? He stayed here last night didn't he? The unanswered phone calls, the unread texts, it's because you were fucking him, weren't you?!" He seethes and I can see his jaw tick. His eyes are menacing. He is all rage right now, ready to tear apart anything in his path. However mad he is, I know in my heart that he would not dare lay a finger on me. Let him be mad at me. I don't really care.
          "Was this some kind of revenge? Did you plan to show me just how much hurt you were feeling by deciding to fuck the babysitter?!" His hands fly up to skim through his hair. He paces back and forth until he calms himself. I just continue to stand there, watching him.
         I don't need to explain myself.
        It is not like I sought out a random stranger the same night and screwed them. This wasn't out of revenge or spite or anything like that. The sooner he understands that, the better.
          "What I did was in no way a way to spite you Cole. What you did, yes, hurt me, but I moved forward. I had to. For my sake, and for Addies's. You are more than welcome to do whatever you see fit to be in your daughter's life, I won't stop you. What I decide to do with my life is no longer your concern. Lucas makes me feel something other than heartache." I say as calmly as possible.
           "You don't expect me to just be okay with this, do you? Lucas can shove a bag of dicks of his ass, like hell will I allow him to take what is mine. I love you Hannah. Can't you see that? I can't just stand by and watch someone take my place." He says with such a pained expression that it guts me but to be honest, it is for the best.
            "I am not going to stand here explaining myself to you. You are more than welcome to be a father to Addie. Be here for her. As for me, I don't know what is going on, but I am not going to lie and say that I am going to put an end to it. You had your chance Cole and you threw it away." I say staring at him, wanting to cry but blink away the tears, needing him to see that there is no other way to this mess in which he created.
               "I refuse to give up on us. You'll see Hannah. You'll see that fate will bring us back together, and when it does, I assure you, I will never, ever, let you go again. If you want to be with him then by all means, go ahead, see how much he could give you when you know deep down in that heart you will always want me." He walks towards me and places a kiss on my cheek. He looks dead into my eyes as I do him and it feels as if everything around us ceases to exist.
          "Let me know when you get to the park with Addie. I won't disturb her right now. If you want, bring her to the game tomorrow. I'll see you later Hannah." He says then turns to walk away.
              I stand there motionless until he is but a blip and head back into my house more confused than ever.