Notebook of Yatari

Perfectionism Swallows Me Whole

I've always been acutely aware of the notion that no one is perfect but my melancholy lies in the fact that I oftentimes feel abhorrently imperfect. During my childhood and teenage years, I was frequently praised for my writing skills. I was not a child prodigy. The simple fact was that, out of everyone in my class, I was the only one who had a passionate interest in creative writing and literature analysis so, naturally, I excelled in comparison. English was the only subject I was really good at and so I would frequently earn compliments for my essays and attempts at storytelling. The adults around me told me that I should become an author when I grow up and that my writing was on the same level as actual adult writers. As a result of this constant glory, I gravitated toward pursuing a career of writing. 

However, the truth is that I'm not an amazing writer. Sure, compared to the other students ay my school, I was good at it. They weren't interested in the subject and didn't put any effort into it so my work was always appeared higher quality. But once I switched to university and started a degree in creative writing and English literature, I became average - perhaps, even lower than that. While my assignments generally score decently well, the reactions I get for my work and ideas are not as positive than they used to be. My professors are usually very supportive and complimentary but I don't get praise from my parents anymore and my I feel like my work always falls flat compared to my peers. 

When I was younger I used to read stories and poetry to my parents and they'd applaud me and tell me how great it was whereas now, when my parents proofread my creative writing assignments, there is nothing but a wall of criticism. Criticism is valid for improvement. I understand that. But they don't encourage me with positivity anymore. I've gradually become aware that I've lost the spark I once had. My stories disappoint them. They're bland, predictable, and make no sense. I guess when your 8-year-old child shows you their mediocre, poorly-written work, as a parent it is your job to uplift them and motivate them to keep improving by giving them the false belief that they are unnaturally amazing at the subject. But now I am being hit with the reality that I was never special at it and that no matter how hard I try, my stories will never impress those around me. 

At university, we have workshops where we have to bring our creative writing and have the other students critique it. I've only done it once and I nearly cried from embarrassment. I was panicking and didn't really know what to write so I wrote a descriptive short horror story. Just a 500-750 word piece. It was awkward. No one knew what to say and it was abundantly clear that no one was impressed or interested in it. I was understanding of the fact that not everyone will like your work. I have felt the same way about other people's stories. We all have different interests. But being in the centre of attention, having work you're not even proud of up on display for everyone to judge it, was a terrifying experience for me. Even when the feedback was nice, I felt like I was going to throw up. Nowadays I skip those classes because the anxiety is too much. Like I said before, criticism is valid but I am so overwhelmingly insecure about my writing that I don't even feel confident enough to show it to anyone. 

The thing that was once my favourite hobby has now become my biggest insecurity. I can't even write for fun anymore. Every time I try to write a story for myself, I imagine my parents, my peers, my teachers stood behind me, looking over my shoulders and reading what I've written. Every sentence I type, I imagine every criticism, every correction, every disappointment. No matter how hard I try, my work never feels good enough and I get too distressed and frustrated to continue. 

I've had one story idea planned for a while now. It's always been my lifelong goal to complete at least one novel-idea for myself. But I've been rewriting the first paragraph of chapter 1 for nearly a year now. Every time I read it, it's not good enough. It's too simple. It's too complex. It's too messy. It's not descriptive enough. It makes no sense. It's not grammatically correct. It's not interesting. It's not powerful. It's simply bad. 

I am diseased with an OCD-level desire for perfection. Every time I get the bravery to publish something, I immediately unpublish it a 24 hours later because I feel ashamed and self-conscious about my poor writing even though I know no one is reading it. I am desperately sad that I can no longer enjoy writing the way I used. In my early Wattpad days, I used to write things seamlessly. 

My stories were not good. They had grammar mistakes, plot holes, poorly-written characters and mediocre descriptions. But I was happy. Even when people commented corrections and constructive criticism, I was content seeing these messages. I wouldn't spiral into self-doubt and have a meltdown about it. Whenever I started a new book, I would flourish in writing the first chapter. It came to me so naturally. I didn't need to spend 6 months rewriting the same opening paragraph over and over again. I just wrote what I thought sounded good and moved on to the next part of the book. I miss being able to do that. 

I wish I hadn't taken a creative writing degree for university. I felt pressured to do it because throughout my life, all the adults pushed me to become a writer. It seemed like my destiny at the time and that if I didn't take it, I would be destroying my fate. Yet doing so has cost me my love for writing. Deep down, I still enjoy it very much but writing has become an anxiety-inducing process for me. I no longer take pride in it. I am overwhelmed by my imperfections. 

All that said, I am trying to teach myself to love writing again. My previous Wattpad notoriety is in the past and I accept that. I don't expect an abundance of votes and comments for any generic story I put out there. The only thing I want is to regain pleasure in my former favourite hobby. Even if no one ever reads my works, I just want to be able to write for myself and not get carried away by anxiety, and self-hatred; to get swallowed up by negativity. It can't be helped if others don't like your writing, but if you are your biggest hater, that's something that needs to be changed. 

One of my life goals is to complete a book. I feel like if I do this, it will be a testament to how I've overcome my needlessly unachievable desire for perfectionism. It doesn't need to be a good book. I just need to show myself that I can break through the self-doubt and negativity holding me back. But, for now, step one is to stop obsessively rewriting the same paragraph over and over again.