young royals oneshots :))

memories i want to forget, yet yearn to relive

The soft patter of the rain would echo throughout the school, vibrating through the roof to the windows, to the floors, the walls. It was a calming effect, Wille thought, the repetitive tapping made him feel at ease.

"I hope you have a nice Christmas."

Those 7 words replayed in his mind constantly, teasing him and ripping him apart from the inside out. He never knew one person could do so much damage by the way they'd respond, the way they'd refused to speak to him ever since he'd stepped foot back into the school. Every time he'd look into his eyes the wound scratched into his heart would only grow deeper, deeper and more painful. He'd rub at his chest to try to ease the pain, but it would never satisfy him to his hopes.

To be completely honest, everything had been painful for Wilhelm since Christmas.

With Erik no longer here to listen to his worries and problems, he'd been left with Boris. Not that Wille didn't like Boris, but he wasn't the same as his older brother.

Boris and Wille talked about everything, from the video to Erik's death, crown prince duties and Simon. A name that he so yearned to be able to say without feeling hurt, a name that he'd missed so very much. A name that he hated, but loved so dearly.

He was bleeding, both metaphorically and physically now. He'd look at his thumb and frown, frown at the scarlet liquid slowly oozing out of the wound he'd created himself. He looks around for a bandaid. He finds one in his desk drawer, sitting there untouched in his nearly empty box of bandaids.

He gently wraps the bandaid around his nail where it would still bleed. The red liquid clouds up the soft cushion of the bandaid, infecting the once white cotton.

He plops down in his chair, rustling the floor a bit. He stares into the mirror on his desk, watching as his vision clouds with unshed tears and a wave of guilt. He couldn't even recognize his reflection anymore, the broken boy that would stare back at him wasn't the same boy that would hang out with Simon every day, that would text him into the early hours of the morning and would embrace him in the middle of the night in that cold, rainy football field.

Now he had changed, matured—is the nice way of saying it. To him, he hadn't matured. He'd pushed his feelings down and stepped on them until he grew taller. Ignoring the aching at his chest at the dinner table, the overwhelming itch to sob whenever somebody would so little as mention Simon.

He'd push it down until the sun set, until he was all alone in his room. All alone, but a gnawing feeling at the back of his mind—"Somebody's there." "Somebody's at the window." "Somebody's listening."

People taking pictures of him and posting them online for the world to see, even in his lowest and most vulnerable moment, somebody had taken a picture of him hugging Simon on that last day. That's probably why he didn't want to talk to him. The fear that somebody was watching them at all times.

The rings on the curtain rods close together, close and scrunched up. He'd get a horrible feeling in his gut whenever the curtains were so much as letting a ray of light in. "They can see me," He'd think to himself.

When the middle of the night stretches into the early hours of the morning, he'd sob into his pillow. Let all of his built up emotions leave his body. Although he'd let them out, a ghost of them would forever sit in his mind. Just barely there, but barely is enough. Barely is enough to make him want to rip his hair out and scream at the top of his lungs. To lock himself in his room and not let himself see the light of day.

"Sir? May I remind you that dinner starts in 15 minutes?" Malin knocks on the door. "Tack, Malin." He's grown good at hiding the quiver in his voice. He's yet to improve on preventing the way his hands tremble when he'd so little as try to pick up a fork.

His hands even shake when he touches the doorknob. It's cold and feels nice on his clammy hands.

He exits his room and begins to the dining room. Malin trails behind him, still keeping a respectable amount of distance.

Wille didn't think it was respectable. Wille doesn't like Malin. It's not entirely her fault to why he doesn't like her, but his point still stands. She's always there, he's given no privacy whatsoever—even though she stays outside of his room. She can still hear him cry every night, hear him yell into his pillow, hear him waking up from awful nightmares after just falling asleep. That's usually when she works the night shift, though. When it's not her, somebody that he barely knows is standing at the other end of his door. What else are they supposed to do other than listen to him?

But he knows that she keeps him safe. It's not like anybody is going to hurt him anyways. He's already hurt beyond repair. She couldn't save him from that. Only watch him suffer.

Every eye in the room bores into his brain when the fork he's holding drops to the floor with a loud clatter. He takes a shaky breath as he bends down to grab it. His hands tremble like they always do, like they always will forevermore.

He can't help but notice the concerned look that Henry shoots him when he looks at his hands. But he doesn't say anything. Nobody says anything. He just needs somebody, anybody, to reach out and help him that isn't Boris. Boris can't help in the way that Walter could, Felice—or even Simon. Especially Simon.

He makes his typical 0 impact, only speaking when he's spoken to. The room grows louder when the lunch supervisor leaves the room, making Wille dig small crescents into his palm. He'd always hated loud noises, but, I mean, who doesn't? Right? ...Right?

Wille flinches hard when there's a firm grasp on his shoulder. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you." August's voice rings in his ear. His heart is hammering in his chest now, he really really doesn't want to talk to August.

He just nods shakily, taking a deep breath and shutting his eyes while doing so. "Are you okay?" August whispers, closer to Wilhelm now. Wille tenses up, sucking in a quick breath. "I don't want to talk to you right now, August." He whispers back. "Jeez, I'm just trying to help." He says as he walks away, which makes Wilhelm's blood boil with anger. Who is he to try to help after what he did to him? What he did to Simon?

Everything has become 100% louder and the ringing in his ears increases when he moves the food around on his plate. He hides his hands in his lap so that nobody can see the way that he's still shaking.

He takes another deep breath, but that doesn't help at all to his liking. He bites the inside of his cheek and rubs his chest lightly, trying to hide everything going on in his mind. His thoughts were so loud he was afraid everybody could hear him.

August makes eye contact with him again, a pitying look on his face. Wille immediately looks away, soon pushing his chair back with a loud scrape against the floor and practically running out of the room.

He looks around near frantically, trying to find somewhere where he can calm down. His eyes lock with a window.

The very same window where he and Simon had their first kiss. He can feel tears prickling at his eyes at merely the thought, but his body spoke before his mind—dragging his feet towards the sill.

He slowly climbs up on the small ledge and opens the window a crack, rubbing his chest aggressively.

"Ar du.. ar du okej?"

Wille lets more than a few tears warm his cheeks.

"Ja. Det var så jävla varmt därinne, så jag tänkte ta lite luft."

He now hugs his knees to his chest, sobbing quietly.

"Stopp, vänta, vänta!"

What he would do to forget what happened that night. What he would do to look into his brain and turn off whatever part of him remembers Simon, the feelings that had awoken inside himself when the moonlight perfectly cascaded itself on Simon's face. A glimmering waterfall inside of his chocolate brown eyes, the sound of the waves blocking out everything around him.

Memories he wants to forget, yet yearns to relive.

~

i'm actually rlly proud of this one.. sorry for the lack of updates, been doing other things :D hopes u like itt!!!!!